Dismantled and Disarmed

I am an asshole, a miserable one at that. This is something I definitely know about myself, even when I try my best not to be. It's something that just comes out when I've got my back against a wall or feel like I'm on the defensive. Maybe that just means I'm a defensive asshole, I don't know. What I do know is that in my irrational defensiveness, I get angry and I get spiteful and all of the traits that make me the "Hulk" of assholeness, red instead of the traditional green. I don't like it, that part of me. In fact, it is something I despise and have desperately worked so diligently to let go of. As an adult, you'd think I'd have this figured out, apparently I still have some growing up to do. Damn the little things that set me off and send me into a whirl wind of sleepless nights, debilitating emotions and endless recounting of days long past and loss. I try, oh my God do I try, to just move forward. With each new day comes another piece of me being dismantled and as much as I shouldn't continue to let it impact me physically or emotionally, it does. So I write it out, screaming through my fingers on this keyboard, to only say what is killing me inside so that I can move on with my breathing and my thinking and my life. I don't write this here because I need anyone to give a shit, I don't write this here because I need your sympathy. I write this here to help me get through yet another day in this self-made hell I dwell in, until the time I figure out how to live a life more meaningful. And even then, if that happens, I'll still write here, hopefully with less angst than I write today. Yes, I am angry. Yes, I am disappointed. Angry at myself and disappointed with my reactions and my inability to be an adult at times. I am human, one with real life emotion and a heart on his sleeve and I don't always make the best choices in words or reactions and I share it with the world because the walls don't listen or respond and I feel like I'm a million miles away from those people who I can confide in. That, and my therapist stood me up Monday, so I've had some built up shit going on. Yeah, I'm a certified asshole today, but I'm working on it.


"I haven't felt the way, I feel today, in so long it's hard for me to specify."

Ok, now that I'm done with that it's time to get to getting. My apologies if this has caught you off guard or hurt you in any way. Remember that I'm doing this thing for me, to get me through, and if my words help someone else cope or at least help someone identify that they aren't the only one going through this, than cool. If there's something you want to say, please, say it. There's no point in holding your breath or even holding back. I wish I had some funny anecdotal story to all of this today, believe it or not, I don't. I'm sure I'll swing this heartache the other way by the morning when my son makes his way back to my arms and then Sunday when I spend 12+ hours out on the boat acting like a 20 year old, assuming my real age doesn't kick in and I decide not to head out. It could happen, but it depends on what else comes around, and that is something I look forward to hearing all about.

Stay blessed-