Being a romantic sucks, it really does. There's this picture in my head of how I want things to be, and it's just sitting on pause, a button push away from being deleted off the DVR connected to my life. It just sucks, today is one of those days where smiling and redirecting my attention keeps leading me back to the corner of Main and A Street, where the future looked so much different from this reality. I'm sorry there's no witty story or humor today in this post, it's just not there. What is, is the simple fact that I feel destroyed inside as the tears keep welling up behind these brown eyes as I sit in my dark office trying to maintain some picture of leadership while holding on tight to my humanity. That part of me that is grieving and remembering a life less confusing and tortured. Yes, I am tormented by the past, the mistakes that in hind site may have been what truly wasn't right about all of it, and I can't help wondering about the what if's, the pieces that looked like they fit and felt just right. And yet, I'm sitting here, alone, naked and scared with my heart on a wire. Did they fit, they sure felt like it. So maybe in my romantic rose colored glasses, I'm really just delusional and instead of seeing things for what they are, I turn them into what fits for me... Damn this all, take this all away is what I'm screaming inside this body today, cause it hurts more than I've wanted to admit and it's breaking me down. I don't want to be a pessimist, don't want to become hopeless, resentful and hurtful. I want to be the greatest version of me, the man that smiles because he means it, hugs because he needs it and loves because there's no life without it. Today I am sad despite my attempts to move past it. I could really use a hug...
And like all music in my life, 'Happiness' by The Fray just hit my ears. How timely right? Guess there's a reason for the genius playlists in iTunes...I probably wouldn't have added this song on it's own
Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?
Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good
Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks
Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar
Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home
Stay blessed-
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