Father Time

"It's easy to retreat than to face yourself and let things fall in place. There's no words to describe the way I feel today but I still feel ok" I think that sums up my Thursday Morning, here's to moving beyond OK!

Once again, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about things. Trust was a topic of conversation from the previous day and I realized that I trust too much, trust too often and trust too easy. But that's me, right? I'm not about to go changing that part of me. I'd rather believe everyone than face them thinking they're lying or using me for something. I have succumbed to the fact, as my dad used to tell me, "people will let you down" even when they don't want to or mean to. It's going to happen. For me, it's how you handle the let down, the disappointment. I want to forgive and forget as often as possible and if only I could do the same for myself, we'd (me, myself and I) be in business and I'd be sleeping more. I'm not sleeping anymore

So to trust is a heavy topic and one I hadn't truly considered in some time, it's something I just do. Now I know I've said it many times that I don't just go trusting anyone, which is true, I don't just trust everyone. In fact, I think a lot of people aren't too genuine at the surface and it takes some time to crack that shell, which I guess is part of the trust building process. Even I have admitted publicly here that I have plenty of masks and walls that I build up to keep that building from happening. The problem, if you can call it a problem, is once I open the door and let someone in, I think about when the ball is going to drop. When are they going to disappoint me or let me down. That's not trust, that's fear, and that fear has held me back from living the life and building the relationships that really mean something. Again, don't get me wrong, I have some amazing relationships with some of the most amazing people, friends that I call family. They get to see 100% of me, uncensored, no edits, no holds barred. They wouldn't have me any other way, well, at least most of the time. Those are the people I trust unconditionally and respect without boundaries. Getting me to put my guard down outside of that "circle of trust" (i.e. DeNiro) is not so easy, despite the fact that I don't necessarily mind getting punched in the face from time to time. But in all seriousness, it's not so easy and I am not too quick on the draw to just let anyone in.

How do I change that or better yet, should I even think about changing that part of me? Am I missing out on adding to my circle or sparing myself from the let down of disappointment? and in turn, missing out from getting closer to awesome people or reconnecting with old ones? I guess you have to weigh it out and I have never been one to not take a risk, even when you know it's gonna hurt like hell when you land. That's how I'm built, I'm just really tired of being let down and jaded by all of it and maybe my expectations are too high. Wouldn't be the first time I've had to admit that I expect a lot because I put out a lot. No, not in that context you're running through your head at the moment, go ahead, have yourself a laugh and then come back to this, I can wait... you done yet... ok seriously...

Anyway, that's probably enough from me now that I've turned the topic upside down. I want to trust me than ever this year, open up to a point that there's no question about my devotion to this life I'm living and have a shot at dealing with the blows and keep moving forward, regardless where that road leads. And I hope you will too, as one of my favorite songwriters, the late Shannon Hoon wrote, "When you feel your life ain't worth living you've got to stand up and take a look around you then a look way up to the sky. And when your deepest thoughts are broken, keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die."

"words and music, my only tools"

Stay blessed-

**Post Script**
I do realize I contradict myself all over this post, just goes to show you how my brain is functioning these days. There's pieces I want and others I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want...