Keep rockin the 808

6 weeks, it's been 6 weeks since I signed a lease on this other place to dwell. 6 weeks ago I signed away the life I had, for another. Maybe that's a dramatic viewpoint, but there's only 2 ways to look at it. On one hand, I left a difficult situation that had very little, if anything, left to work with, much to my dismay. That in and of itself, is a bitter pill I'm still trying to swallow. Acceptance is something I've always had a hard time with, specifically when it's about something I've failed at no matter what lengths I went to make every day better than the one before. It's humbling and it's a process of grieving and learning how to stand alone, again. On the other hand, it's an opportunity. An opportunity to see what else is, who else, is out there that may be better than the one before or the one before that, or the one before that. I feel calous as I write this, as if every relationship I've spent a significant amount of time, heart and energy in was a "thing". None of them were "things" or just phases in my life. I loved, I lived, and I felt pain and grief. There are degrees to those emotions and actions, and as I've grown personally and emotionally, the seperation of degrees in which I dwelt are significant.

In all sincerity I can say that nothing has ever hurt like this does, but I've also never dealt with the aftermath as well as I have this time. Part of that may be due to having the best part of my life still to come because of her, in my son. Maybe it's a sign that I really did know that we needed to be at this juncture in life, seperate. That's more than hard to look into for me, because I have never loved anyone like I loved her, and at the end of the day, it didn't make it any better. It scares me that I may never allow myself to have those intense emotions with anyone else, which in essence, really means that someone else in that role in my life should actually be receiving even more than anyone previous, right? It's going to take someone so amazing to pull that out of me, and will I ever deserve someone like that? I'm not trying to have a pitty party this morning, just speaking frankly, and I don't need to hear answers on that question. Just thinking out loud for the sake of thinking.

"808's and Heartbreak" on the iPhone this morning...interesting idea

I'm not having a rough morning, I'm not sad or screaming, I'm kind of numb today. I'm hurting inside for a lot of friends going through some really tough times, some that may even eclipse my own loss, and I'm thinking about you today. I know there are those of you feeling alone and lost and hurting like you've never hurt before, afraid it will never go away. Take peace in knowing it will get better and you are never alone. There are people who spend time thinking about you, praying for you, answering your calls in the middle of the night to sing you lullabye's and walk you home safe in the dark. If this is you, reading this now, you know I love you and regardless of what is happening in my heart, I'm still there for you, anytime, anyplace.

I'll probably have some more to say about all this later...feels like a multi-post kind of day

Stay blessed-