Transient Dream

It's a slippery slope, getting beyond what's right in front of us to move on with our lives. I've been fairly irrational, and very rational, over the past few days and weeks. For whatever reason, holidays pull me down, get me down. I know it has everything to do with family, or my lack there of, here in Washington. Having thought I was so close to finalizing the boyhood dream of romance and marriage, and having it vanish as quickly as it developed, didn't make a family holiday feel any better. That was a turning point for me in the past week, where the irrational and rational decided to contend for space inside my head and heart. It drug me through some rather dark and scary places of thought, only to allow me time to pause and ask WTF was I thinking. Why would I make myself so miserable, knowing damn well I had control over how I felt? There was clarity in the heartache fog I was suffocating in. It took me completely breaking down on Sunday, letting it all out, unleashing all of what had been eating me up. It needed to happen, at least for me it did. It was such a selfish moment of weakness, unloading on Jamie, and unfortunately, witnessed by my son. I don't think he's ever seen me cry or hurt, and I've done a bang up job to make sure he never had to see any of this. In fact, I had no intention of having the conversation that occured, less have him see any of it, but it happened. I think that hurt worse, seeing his concern for his crumbling father and looking to mom to make it better. It sucks, it truly sucks that he ever had to see any of it, hear any of it. In hind site, I'd change that morning in a heartbeat, which of course cannot be undone. It's my job, as it has been since he took his first breath of life, to protect him and teach him and help him develop into a better man than me. That's all of our jobs as parents, whether we like it or not, accept it or not, it's our responsibility and I feel like I failed him in that moment. I've always told him that he should always treat his mommy like a queen, "she's the only one you get, and she's more important that anything else in the world". I've done everything to reinforce that for him, until I yelled and cried and broke down. I'm upset it happened, truly, and I know this may seem like some type of apology, it's merely me pouring out the frustrations of being a single parent dealing with life and admitting to being very very wrong. We all do it, or have done it, to someone we didn't mean to, and felt stupid or ashamed about it later. Maybe this is more of my own reminder to start pausing more, I know that it will never happen again.

So the slippery slope, the one where I feel like I'm at the pinnacle of, is approaching a point of no return. I've been thinking of getting out of the south end for some time now, needing to be closer to my friends and work and people who know and love me. I've been reluctant to make any kind of change due to the impact it would cause on Jackson and Jamie both. I'm not willing to give up any time with my son, that comes first and foremost. I don't expect to hear any parent ever willing to do that, just as I don't expect Jamie to give up any time with him. She's made that point very clear. I'm left with very little wiggle room and in the center is my son. The house we bought together can't be sold any time soon due to this current market, which means she cannot move. We've both stated that putting him in two different day cares isn't an option from a stability standpoint, and moving his daycare, somewhere closer to the east side, would mean taking time away from her, which I'd never want for either of them. Thus begins another defensive and emotional struggle. Of course I want what is best for him, we both do, and we both agree on the same principals in that. My only choice is to remain in the south end, with this ridiculous commute to work and friends and everything I know that isn't her. There's another choice, one that doesn't make sense for anyone, which is the court system, in which I know will only further muddy the water that can barely be swam in as it is. I don't want, or desire, to walk that line, battling for something that cannot be won or lost. I'm in a lose/lose situation right now and more than ever do I need that group of people nearest to me, checking in on me, looking over me. I need counsel, someone to calm me down when I'm about to lose it. It is much harder than I ever thought it would be, being in this storm, looking for calm, and being lost, without the options that make it right for everyone. I know now, and probably have known, that there is no going back to what once felt like home. There won't be any reconciliation, just a struggle to be adults and keep emotion out of the decisions.

That means I'm staying put in the south end longer than I thought I would, but for the love of my son, I'd do anything. He's the reason, the only reason, I will put away the "wants" with those thoughts of yesterday and move forward away from the slippery slope. Might have to tip toe a bit

Packing up these boxes
Memories of another day
Holding onto something
That just won't go away
Maybe it's tomorrow
That you'll come back to stay
We'll never know

Stay blessed-