A Monday, dull shade of sad

There's an inherent darkness that follows my mood on Monday's. I've never quite been able to get my hands on it, I think my shrink would say that I set myself up for it and she may be right. There's something calming about laying on my own grenade, at least I know what the results will be rather than rolling the dice and allowing some other source determine my mood. She would also tell me that we, as people, have the ultimate control over how we feel. "No one else can determine your happiness or sadness" she's been known to utter. To this, I roll my eyes, as I know that I should pick how I feel like a tie from the closet, but the thing is, the tie should match the shirt, the belt, socks, you get the picture. If your heart hurts when you open the closet door, no matter what you want to pick out, the only color available is a dull shade of sad. So really, what choice is there? That's my Monday's, choice less-sad and amazed.

So the next question I ask myself is always, "why are you sad" and Damn it all, if I only knew. There's a lot of things to be sad about that haunt me everyday but rarely do they take over, except on Monday's. I let them, to remind me of what I'm missing and not to ever take it for granted that amazing people come and go. Hold on to the amazing as if your life depends on them. There's days where I know that mine did, they saved me enough times, and I couldn't do the same. Maybe that's the point, you can't save them all, might not ever be able to save any of them. Is that guilt or remorse or simply just missing the part of them that filled a part of my life that simply cannot go on without them in it and that's the part that screams on the street every Monday morning as I walk out of the bus tunnel and into the dark and windy cold of the city. I've had years to deal with these lost ones and everyday is the same feelings. Makes one wonder, will anyone feel this same dull shade of sad when I'm gone? I'm not looking for that answer, but God I hope that no one else close to me ever goes through the consistency in which the sadness crashes and learning how to navigate the overwhelming chasm of missing loves is an unreachable goal. You just learn how to keep going on and keeping the ghosts at bay 6 days a week, which is about the best I can hope for.