Well it's been an eventful week in the schizophrenic conversations I've been having with myself. Of course, I've stolen that line from an Aaron Lewis song, but it really has captured what I've been dealing with over the past weeks and months. There are good days, great days, hard days and miserable days. There's good conversations, some funny conversations, and then there's the internal discussions I have with myself that are down right ugly and hurtful and anything far from healing or helpful. I know I'm not the only one that does this, we all do it in one way or another, we're built that way, and anyone who actually says that they aren't introspective and doesn't discuss things with themselves, is either lying or oblivious to their own thoughts. And we all know there are people like that in the world, we see how many of them driving vehicles every morning on our way into work? I know I do, it's why 405 northbound was so backed up this morning, almost making me late to my 8:00 am meeting. Fortunately for me, I actually paid attention to the over road signs on I-5 suggesting I use a different route to Bellevue due to an accident at 44th. Thankfully, I wasn't too engaged in my own conversation while passing under the suggested detour that I missed it.
The conversations have been so all over the place these past few days and although it would probably be somewhat therapeutic for me to write it out here and re-read it later, I'm not going to. For no one's safety but my own, the last thing I need at this point in time is anyone worrying about whether or not I'm ok, doing drugs, needing rehab or a clinical lock down. Yes, things in my head have gone from simple memories with smiles to downright dark anger and bitterness and back to the lessons learned in years of being a simple romantic wanting something better than being alone. I can admit that, as should nearly 100% of you if we're being honest, no one wants to be alone. No one chooses to walk through life without a partner to share in that. I know I didn't necessarily choose it although it was what needed to happen at that juncture in life. I don't know if it was the right choice or if there was something else that could have made things different, but I do know that depending on what day it is, it was the right choice. Of course, that doesn't change the fact that day in and day out, I go home and do whatever it is I need to to stay busy; hit the gym, walk the dogs, play the guitar, write some music, play some video games, chat through text, update my stupid facebook status 50 times, watch a show or twelve, ignore a book staring me in the face, cook, clean, and so on. Anything and everything to stay busy or numb and try to live a life where I don't self destruct, keep my eyes open to new relationships, new friends, new memories, different. I've been burying myself during the day with work, so much so that I haven't kept up on this blog until now, where I've grabbed some spare time where I should be eating lunch, instead to tell you that I am ok. I don't need rehab, I don't need a "House"-like institutionalization to get better. I'm getting better without that, I'm learning what it takes to get beyond, despite the times I write here that I'm not. I don't feel stupid for breaking down from time to time as I write it out, the painful times or the bottom of the barrel moments. I know all too well that I should probably keep my mouth shut, but I don't cause I'm not built that way. I was born a guy who literally wears his heart on his sleeves and tells it like it is, at that moment, and I rarely hold back words or feelings, probably to my own detriment. And yet, I'm proud of that, it's honest and it's real, and I wish more people would do that. If there's one very specific thing I respect its that, whether I agree or approve with it or not. At least it's truth, and although that truth, that reality, cuts right through me from time to time, I'm still here. I have to tell myself from time to time when looking in the mirror, that despite of everything I've ever done wrong, every mistake or withheld truth, I am still here, stronger even when I feel like the load is too heavy to continue carrying, I'm still here. It would, however, be nice to share that load with someone else, which I guess is really just figurative. I do not want or need someone in my life to simply deal with my shit and fix it, rather someone to share in life, walk through life together and grow in this life. Don't you?
If you don't agree, then maybe you are a part of the small percentage of the world that should be alone, and that's cool too. To each their own, right? No matter how much work I put into me right now and focus on being a better dad and better man, my viewpoint on partnership and relationships won't change. I'm guarded though, a giant wall with binoculars present to make sure that feelings are real, that expectations are achievable and that no one unnecessarily gets hurt, all while trying to ensure that at the end of this life, I don't die alone. I don't know if that's possible, letting someone in without giving away the keys, and maybe I won't. Maybe I do die alone some day long from today, maybe that's ok too. These are the conversations I have with myself that are at the light end of the spectrum, the ones that don't really keep me up all night, but give me food for more thought, more conversations, more something. More, I guess, than staying busy and buried in the monotony of always trying to stay busy.
Stay blessed-
Schizophrenic Conversations lyrics
Are you afraid, afraid of the truth
in the mirror staring back at you
The image is cracked, but so it the view here
and the strength of a tree begins in the roots.
That I tend to bury into to you
At least now the storm can't blow me away
So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be
To blame like me.
Should I be afraid of this face that I see
In the mirror staring back at me
So cold were the days when I listened to you.
And you say that I'm weak, so show me the proof
Cause I still exist in spite of you
But I won't compete with you everyday,
So crawl inside my head with me,
I'll show you how it feels to be
To blame like me
Schizophrenic conversations that
I'm always having with myself
I hear these voices in my head competing
Maybe I could use a little help
I still have Schizophrenic conversations when there's no one else around to hear
I long for solitude and peace within me
Void of all the anger and the fear.
So crawl inside my head with me
I'll show you how it feels to be
Fucked up like me.
I'll show you how it feels to be
To blame like me
ashamed like me
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
5 Stages of something
You know it's always bound to be an emotional kinda evening when you sit down with a guitar, a cup of coffee and a cigarette and turn on the songs that make you cry at a moments notice, just for where they take you, or had taken you, at one time or another. For me, there's only a handful of songs that can put me on my knees and take my breath away. Those are the ones that I do everything I can to avoid when sitting in solace like I am tonight, and there's an urge to simply push out this, whatever it is, inside of me. The other night, a friend sent me a text, obviously inspired by the season opener of "Grey's Anatomy", which I would discover the day after. It read, "there are 5 stages to grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining and Acceptance...Where do u think u r?" and in my haste to respond via text, cause you can't be too slow on the response or else it seems like you don't know what you're doing, I responded with "Depression and anger and bargaining...I'm all of that" and pressed send. That was Thursday last week and I've since had a lot of time to think and well, yeah, I watched 'Grey's' and cried through the first 14 minutes like a little girl and then I laughed and well finished the 2 hour episode in tears again. As I look at where I am today, I think I'm 4.5 out of 5 of those, the one I have yet to wrap my arms around is the acceptance piece, but fuck am I trying like hell to just accept where I am at 32; as a man, as a son, a father, a brother and a friend. I don't know if this is supposed to get easier, fighting against the world who tells me it will, fighting against the depression and the anger and the bargaining chips that I don't posses. Yeah, I battle depression, that shouldn't be a secret to anyone anymore and there's some days that are harder than others, and there's days where it doesn't hit me at all. I've been burying myself into work and the songwriting and trying to make something more of this life, one little breath at a time.
When my Grandmother passed away, I went to Boise for the funeral and it was suddenly a different place at my parents home. A big piece of our family was gone, and not just a big piece, the cornerstone of our family was missing. I spent a good amount of time that trip home just driving and listening to music. I bought close to 12 different albums that 3 days and listened to every song just looking for something to help me not think and feel. I picked up some angst driven punk Cd's, some shit I'd never heard of and wouldn't you know one of those contained "one of those songs" that I try and skip if it comes on my random play lists. It's from a Florida band called 'Yellowcard' and the song "View from Heaven" hit way to close for me. It was everything she possessed in my life and fit exactly what I would have said to her had I been there when her last breath came and went.
i'm just so tired
wont you sing me to sleep
and fly through my dreams
so i can hitch a ride with you tonight
and get away from this place
have a new name and face
i just aint the same without you in my life
late night drives, all alone in my car
i can't help but start
singing lines from all our favorite songs
and melodies in the air
singin life just aint fair
sometimes i still just can't believe you're gone
and im sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven,
maybe we'll make it through one more year
down here
feel your fire,
when its cold in my heart
and things sorta start
remindin' me of my last night with you
i only need one more day
just one more chance to say
i wish that i had gone up with you too
and i'm sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year
down here
you wont be comin' back
and i didn't get to say goodbye (goodbye)
i really wish i got to say goodbye
and im sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year
i hope that all is well in heaven
cause it's all shot to hell down here
i hope that i find you in heaven
cause i'm so...
lost without you down here
you wont be coming back
and i didn't get to say goodbye (goodbye)
i really wish i got to say gooooodbye
When my best friend left this earth just shy of a year later, my world came crashing down and I've never been able to let go of that loss. I've talked about him a lot in this ongoing dialogue between me as the writer and you as the reader. He was an amazing man, not without faults, but a man that I miss severely, especially when I'm in this struggle with acceptance. I've accepted his departure, there's nothing more to really argue about. He's gone, but his memory is constantly on my mind and my heart. Counting Crows has 2 songs that will forever make me think of him, "Raining in Baltimore" and "Hazy". I think Raining impacts me the most, thinking back to the drive after the phone call when I found out he was gone. I jumped in my truck about 2 hours after the news and hit the road, Boise bound yet again for a loss. It was foggy and rained almost the entire drive through the night. I cried and yelled almost that entire eight hour drive, depression and anger, and I couldn't stop thinking about this song.
This circus is falling down on its knees
The big top is crumbling down
It's raining in Baltimore fifty miles east
Where you should be, no one's around
I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
I need a big love
I need a phone call
These train conversations are passing me by
And I don't have nothing to say
You get what you pay for
But I just had no intention of living this way
I need a phone call
I need a plane ride
I need a sunburn
I need a raincoat
And I get no answers
And I don't get no change
It's raining in Baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same
There's things I remember and things I forget
I miss you I guess that I should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?
I need a phone call
Maybe I should buy a new car
I can always hear a freight train If I listen real hard
And I wish, I wish it was a small world
Because I'm lonely for the big towns
I'd like to hear a little guitar
I think it's time to put the top down
I need a phone callI need a raincoat
Tonight I am missing you, those of you that I have lost a long the way. Tonight, I sit here by candle light and remember those short times we had...and for those of you that read this and think that I only ever talk about "losing these two amazing people, move on" I'm sorry, this is what comes out of me when I'm 12 feet down in a hole and trying to figure out how to get the fuck back up. These people help me see that there's more to this earth than what I am dealing with and it's ok to keep going. No, I don't dwell on the topic and I don't bask in their memories, but not a day goes by that these 2 don't cross my mind and provide me very different ways of handling things. Deal with it or don't reaad this anymore, choice is yours.
I have a lot more to say about all of this, but for another time. I'm burned out, bummed out and wishing things were different from so many angles. But like I said to someone earlier today, "wishes are like dreams", keep them in thoughts but don't bank on them. You'll only be disapointed in the end, and this guy, can't handle any more disapointment right now. So I'm keeping my head up, my eyes open and ready for the big show. Although, acceptance can kiss my ass for now.
Stay blessed-
When my Grandmother passed away, I went to Boise for the funeral and it was suddenly a different place at my parents home. A big piece of our family was gone, and not just a big piece, the cornerstone of our family was missing. I spent a good amount of time that trip home just driving and listening to music. I bought close to 12 different albums that 3 days and listened to every song just looking for something to help me not think and feel. I picked up some angst driven punk Cd's, some shit I'd never heard of and wouldn't you know one of those contained "one of those songs" that I try and skip if it comes on my random play lists. It's from a Florida band called 'Yellowcard' and the song "View from Heaven" hit way to close for me. It was everything she possessed in my life and fit exactly what I would have said to her had I been there when her last breath came and went.
i'm just so tired
wont you sing me to sleep
and fly through my dreams
so i can hitch a ride with you tonight
and get away from this place
have a new name and face
i just aint the same without you in my life
late night drives, all alone in my car
i can't help but start
singing lines from all our favorite songs
and melodies in the air
singin life just aint fair
sometimes i still just can't believe you're gone
and im sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven,
maybe we'll make it through one more year
down here
feel your fire,
when its cold in my heart
and things sorta start
remindin' me of my last night with you
i only need one more day
just one more chance to say
i wish that i had gone up with you too
and i'm sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year
down here
you wont be comin' back
and i didn't get to say goodbye (goodbye)
i really wish i got to say goodbye
and im sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year
i hope that all is well in heaven
cause it's all shot to hell down here
i hope that i find you in heaven
cause i'm so...
lost without you down here
you wont be coming back
and i didn't get to say goodbye (goodbye)
i really wish i got to say gooooodbye
When my best friend left this earth just shy of a year later, my world came crashing down and I've never been able to let go of that loss. I've talked about him a lot in this ongoing dialogue between me as the writer and you as the reader. He was an amazing man, not without faults, but a man that I miss severely, especially when I'm in this struggle with acceptance. I've accepted his departure, there's nothing more to really argue about. He's gone, but his memory is constantly on my mind and my heart. Counting Crows has 2 songs that will forever make me think of him, "Raining in Baltimore" and "Hazy". I think Raining impacts me the most, thinking back to the drive after the phone call when I found out he was gone. I jumped in my truck about 2 hours after the news and hit the road, Boise bound yet again for a loss. It was foggy and rained almost the entire drive through the night. I cried and yelled almost that entire eight hour drive, depression and anger, and I couldn't stop thinking about this song.
This circus is falling down on its knees
The big top is crumbling down
It's raining in Baltimore fifty miles east
Where you should be, no one's around
I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
I need a big love
I need a phone call
These train conversations are passing me by
And I don't have nothing to say
You get what you pay for
But I just had no intention of living this way
I need a phone call
I need a plane ride
I need a sunburn
I need a raincoat
And I get no answers
And I don't get no change
It's raining in Baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same
There's things I remember and things I forget
I miss you I guess that I should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?
I need a phone call
Maybe I should buy a new car
I can always hear a freight train If I listen real hard
And I wish, I wish it was a small world
Because I'm lonely for the big towns
I'd like to hear a little guitar
I think it's time to put the top down
I need a phone callI need a raincoat
Tonight I am missing you, those of you that I have lost a long the way. Tonight, I sit here by candle light and remember those short times we had...and for those of you that read this and think that I only ever talk about "losing these two amazing people, move on" I'm sorry, this is what comes out of me when I'm 12 feet down in a hole and trying to figure out how to get the fuck back up. These people help me see that there's more to this earth than what I am dealing with and it's ok to keep going. No, I don't dwell on the topic and I don't bask in their memories, but not a day goes by that these 2 don't cross my mind and provide me very different ways of handling things. Deal with it or don't reaad this anymore, choice is yours.
I have a lot more to say about all of this, but for another time. I'm burned out, bummed out and wishing things were different from so many angles. But like I said to someone earlier today, "wishes are like dreams", keep them in thoughts but don't bank on them. You'll only be disapointed in the end, and this guy, can't handle any more disapointment right now. So I'm keeping my head up, my eyes open and ready for the big show. Although, acceptance can kiss my ass for now.
Stay blessed-
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Door to Door
Pity parties are not my favorite way to spend an evening, as I'm sure it's not your preferred method of getting down. Once in awhile though, it gets so bottled up that I leave myself with very few mediums of getting it out of my system. Sunday night, I blew up internally and let my words do some expunging of the frustration building up inside of me, and for that I make no consolations. I know that's not what people stop in to read, unless you enjoy knowing your life is much more pleasant than mine at times, but I guarantee it's probably not as cool. OK, maybe it is, maybe it's cooler, no pissing contests here today, but I guarantee that if you're at home tonight watching TV or sitting down to play video games online, you're not having as much fun as I will be (yes, pissing match just started).
Today marks the official start of the fall season, although based on the television lineup last night, I think they started a day early. At 11:44 Eastern, fall officially arrives, I'm still uncertain how that time came to be, but I'm going to jump over to wikipedia real quick and get an answer...one sec.
OK, Wiki has a dumb answer but you can read it here.
So yeah, it's about to be Autumn or fall and thus begins the worst time of the year for me. It's that season where I really still want to wear T-shirts and shorts and flip flops but the rainy season here in the Pacific Northwest leaves me with wet feet and goosebumps. It does, however, allow me the opportunity to turn up the fireplace, grab a nice warm blanket and chill out in my living room. Especially once I find the right sectional sofa for the giant living room that is currently eclipsing the size of the second hand love seat and lamp combo currently residing there. I never realized just how hard it is to find the right furniture, the right amount of cushion with the right amount of support. Much like most things in my life, the right couch is like a unicorn, evasive and impossible to find just the right one. The one that just feels right; there's plenty that are close and may even seem perfect in the moment, but after laying on them for a few hours, something just doesn't feel right. There's a bump here in my lower back or the arm is just too high to rest my head without hurting my neck, the cushions aren't at the same level as the ottoman so my feet fall asleep, or the color fades too much to still match the rest of the room. It's disappointing to be honest, especially when one feels like the right fit and after a few years of hanging out and making plans, you just realize that it's time for a new couch. I've grown tired of looking for the right couch, so now I'm hoping to find a door to door sales person selling couches that can bring over samples and let me try out a few. Do they still do that? I doubt it, but wouldn't that be cool?
My friends in NON-P(www.non-p.me)were announced as finalists in the 98.7 Rockstar contest in LA last night! They are in the Top 5, out of however many hundreds of LA bands, performing this Friday night at City Walk in Orange County. I got to hang out with them for two shows this past weekend and like always, they brought it. I'm super proud and stoked for them. Please, if you haven't already downloaded the first single off of iTunes, please go check out "One of those Days" and start rocking it out in your car with the windows rolled down for everyone to hear. Even if it is about to be fall, or autumn, it'll give you a chance to get your heaters warmed up for winter.
That's my rant today, I need a good couch to get cozy on as we enter Fall. One that will be there to catch me after work, lay around and listen to me discuss all things awesome and rad and sometimes catch a tear or two (I can't always be smiling). One that's supportive and comfortable and well, just feels right and likes to be close. Why is that so hard to find?
Stay blessed-
Today marks the official start of the fall season, although based on the television lineup last night, I think they started a day early. At 11:44 Eastern, fall officially arrives, I'm still uncertain how that time came to be, but I'm going to jump over to wikipedia real quick and get an answer...one sec.
OK, Wiki has a dumb answer but you can read it here.
So yeah, it's about to be Autumn or fall and thus begins the worst time of the year for me. It's that season where I really still want to wear T-shirts and shorts and flip flops but the rainy season here in the Pacific Northwest leaves me with wet feet and goosebumps. It does, however, allow me the opportunity to turn up the fireplace, grab a nice warm blanket and chill out in my living room. Especially once I find the right sectional sofa for the giant living room that is currently eclipsing the size of the second hand love seat and lamp combo currently residing there. I never realized just how hard it is to find the right furniture, the right amount of cushion with the right amount of support. Much like most things in my life, the right couch is like a unicorn, evasive and impossible to find just the right one. The one that just feels right; there's plenty that are close and may even seem perfect in the moment, but after laying on them for a few hours, something just doesn't feel right. There's a bump here in my lower back or the arm is just too high to rest my head without hurting my neck, the cushions aren't at the same level as the ottoman so my feet fall asleep, or the color fades too much to still match the rest of the room. It's disappointing to be honest, especially when one feels like the right fit and after a few years of hanging out and making plans, you just realize that it's time for a new couch. I've grown tired of looking for the right couch, so now I'm hoping to find a door to door sales person selling couches that can bring over samples and let me try out a few. Do they still do that? I doubt it, but wouldn't that be cool?
My friends in NON-P(www.non-p.me)were announced as finalists in the 98.7 Rockstar contest in LA last night! They are in the Top 5, out of however many hundreds of LA bands, performing this Friday night at City Walk in Orange County. I got to hang out with them for two shows this past weekend and like always, they brought it. I'm super proud and stoked for them. Please, if you haven't already downloaded the first single off of iTunes, please go check out "One of those Days" and start rocking it out in your car with the windows rolled down for everyone to hear. Even if it is about to be fall, or autumn, it'll give you a chance to get your heaters warmed up for winter.
That's my rant today, I need a good couch to get cozy on as we enter Fall. One that will be there to catch me after work, lay around and listen to me discuss all things awesome and rad and sometimes catch a tear or two (I can't always be smiling). One that's supportive and comfortable and well, just feels right and likes to be close. Why is that so hard to find?
Stay blessed-
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Disarmed
It's been 10 days since I've written and it's been a pretty strange 10 days. Since the last time, I've quit a job, started a job, been hurt(ing), caused some pain, caught up with old friends and new, attended a wedding, rode a ferry or two, driven about 800 miles, sent and received about 600 text messages, walked more than 8 miles, drank more than 20 gallons of coffee(total guess), 15 cans of Rockstar, bought some artwork, hung some photos, took some photos, saw my boys in Non-P play 2 shows and well, there's a ton of other details that include working and sleeping, but that's not nearly as interesting as the rest of my last 10 days. Maybe it is, guess that all depends on how much you enjoy reading this shit. Personally, I've been staying as busy as possible so as to not write here and have to actually sit back and think through, more than I already do, the things that keep me up at night and make me crazy throughout the day. I've been fighting, really really fighting not to let myself hit these walls that I've been seeming to have to scale at least once a week and sometimes once a day. Each time it seems to go almost as fast it showed up and once in awhile, it hangs out a little longer than I'm able to simply push down inside. Those times have become fewer and fewer as I continue to move forward with the life I'm living, but damnit all, when I get hit, it's like a train crash. So yeah, that's the last 10 days in a nutshell. You can guess, I'm not having much fun tonight, way too many things I want to say, and scream and yell and well, I'm not sure it's worth it anymore. I mean, is it going to matter at the end of the day or at the end of this life? Will this time really mean as much 10 years from now as it has over the last 10 days or 5 months? Knowing this, can anyone answer why I suck so bad at just moving forward? I'm trying, damn am I ever trying, and yet the thought of it eats me to the core and I get swallowed up by the emotion of memories and thoughts of just cashing it in for now. Fuck it, this is exactly why I haven't been writing lately. I don't want to talk like this or about this and show the weaknesses in my armour. There's so much more to me than all of this pain and self deprecation and the one trick pony show that paints me to be so, dare I say emo, is starting to make me feel foolish and less the man I am.
I have a book to write, and really do need to spend some time trying to focus more on it than what I'm dealing with right now. Maybe it'll be as cathartic as I need it be, but rarely are expectations even close to being met. God knows, I need a way to vent it out, just need to find the medium. Until then, there will probably be something like this shit from time to time instead of the recount I often find myself spewing out.
Stay blessed and say a prayer for this guy-
I have a book to write, and really do need to spend some time trying to focus more on it than what I'm dealing with right now. Maybe it'll be as cathartic as I need it be, but rarely are expectations even close to being met. God knows, I need a way to vent it out, just need to find the medium. Until then, there will probably be something like this shit from time to time instead of the recount I often find myself spewing out.
Stay blessed and say a prayer for this guy-
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Nothing...man
It’s getting closer to the end of my final two weeks at my current J-O-B and this is my final train ride into the city today. It’s been an interesting year to say the least, all sorts of new challenges, new schedules, and people, such different people. I don’t think I’ve ever worked with such a diverse group of people, not even in college. I’ve told this story in person a few times, and may have even written about it here a while ago. I started with this company a year ago this month, quickly getting into the daily train commute and subsequent walk through the city to the giant doors of my building. I think it must have been late October or November one morning, the air was getting colder day by day and the sun wasn’t showing it’s warming face as early as it does in the summer months. The raining season in Seattle approaching, winter was definitely on it’s way in. One morning, as I came down the steps at 1st and Seneca toward the waterfront, I noticed a homeless kid in the alley way on Pike and couldn’t help but think how miserable it has to be the not get inside to the warmth of central air and the access to a hot shower and homemade meal. For a moment, I looked on, grateful that nothing had ever put me in that place, without a home. I continued into the office and sent an email off to a friend who organizes a coat and blanket drive for the Seattle dissidents every winter, to volunteer my time and see if there was anything else I could assist with. Apparently the kid in the alley struck a nerve with me and I wanted to do what I could to possibly make sure more kids like him didn’t freeze in the sunless Pacific Northwest winter. I pressed send on my e-mail, grabbed my coffee cup and headed for the 6th floor kitchen to fill up. As I entered the hallway, the same homeless kid I had seen not 15 min earlier, passed me in the hallway of my office building, smiled and said “good morning”. I paused, momentarily speechless, and watched him walk over to a work station, sit down and log into a computer. Headset put in place over his lengthy dreadlocks, he began taking inbound calls from customers! This wasn’t some kid living on the streets of Seattle, this was a highly technical, very smart engineer who happened to look like a hopeless gypsy! Talk about a wake-up call to perception and a new view on the people I was working around. Yeah, diverse isn’t even the appropriate adjective to describe my fellow co-workers. I’m still searching for the appropriate term here.
As I enter the city for my final 2 days of “work” a few things have been on my mind and there’s a pressure to finish everything I started out to do here, along with some other tasks that do require my touch prior to wrapping up this short chapter of professional life. I always want to make sure to leave a place better than I found it, much like what the forest service asks of you when ever you camp out. I feel like I’ve done that, added some significant value and developed some processes and programs that I can only hope will carry on and continue to grow long after I’m gone. This wasn’t the most efficient shop when I arrived here and in terms of normal business operations, it was far from optimal. I’d like to think I’ve made an impact there, of which I’ll spare those of you who could care less, the details. On the people side, I know there’s been tremendous growth and a change in attitude by those folks who’s job every day consists of being beaten and chewed by angry customers, thinking no one cares about them. These guys have come a long way from the day I came here. When I first arrived on the scene, none of them wanted anything to do with me or my corporate mentality. You would have thought I was wearing trousers or a suit amongst their big city bohemian garb, and because I wasn’t one of them bleeding company colors, it took a long time to gain their trust and their friendship. I'm still probably not everyone's favorite child here, especially since announcing my departure plans, it's gotten very quiet for me. Boredom has hit an all time high but I'm finding plenty of time to do pretty much whatever I want without a looming deadline. Like this blog, I feel like just writing and writing and writing...
On the other personal side of Ryan, I've become a sounding board of advice for quite a few different people lately and honestly, I've missed being the advice man. I think I have some pretty valid insight into all things personal and relationship-y, even if I suck at following my own advice. Like a friend told me last night, who is identical in this situation, asking myself "what I would tell someone in the same situation" and not agreeing with that advice. It's true, and when someone doesn't heed my advice, I get a little sensitive (just a little), so should I be mad at myself for not taking my own two cents? I guess that's where the self deprecation starts and maybe, just maybe, for the first time in my life, I'm listening to my own advice and learning to let go. One breath and one whisper at a time, the days are getting easier but the thoughts of truly moving beyond is keeping me awake at night, less and less of course, but not to a point where a smile is constantly on the verge of my lips. That's a tough pill to swallow, as the friends and family in my life really do deserve to have that guy in the picture, not the one holding onto something that will prolong a life less meaningful. As a hopeless romantic, I know nothing else but to hold on, despite the knowledge that I have to really begin the letting go. I ended a piece the other day saying just that, and I do mean it, but I continue to teeter and sway and don't know what it's going to take to fall off the side. When that time comes, who knows, and really do I care? I want to have as much fun living as possible and enjoy new friendships and old ones that have been missing and see what the road leads to. My eyes are wide as the possibilities are limitless without reigns and I'm stoked about that. I'll just keep going and going and living and I know eventually one door will close and another will open, that's how life works.
Randomness on the playlist this morning, but have been listening to old Candlebox and Alice in Chains a lot lately. Something between the glam rock and darkness is a beauty that we haven't seen in current music outside of some lyrical gems from songwriters like Damian Rice and Pete Yorn. Even in the sunshine of Seattle end of summer season walking through the city, the black difference in my ears keeps my feet moving and reminds me to be thankful for the ability to hear and feel through music. I couldn't imagine a life without it, and I guess I'd honestly not have a life without it.
I just had a tech agent ask me, in total sincerity "what are we supposed to do without you now" and I smiled back and said "exactly what you've been doing, only better". It feels good to know that one of my biggest disbelievers when I arrived, was now a giant fan of mine and was concerned with what happens next. Guess I left my mark on some, may have to punch a couple others as mementos (I kid of course).
Enjoy your Thursday! I am
Stay blessed-
As I enter the city for my final 2 days of “work” a few things have been on my mind and there’s a pressure to finish everything I started out to do here, along with some other tasks that do require my touch prior to wrapping up this short chapter of professional life. I always want to make sure to leave a place better than I found it, much like what the forest service asks of you when ever you camp out. I feel like I’ve done that, added some significant value and developed some processes and programs that I can only hope will carry on and continue to grow long after I’m gone. This wasn’t the most efficient shop when I arrived here and in terms of normal business operations, it was far from optimal. I’d like to think I’ve made an impact there, of which I’ll spare those of you who could care less, the details. On the people side, I know there’s been tremendous growth and a change in attitude by those folks who’s job every day consists of being beaten and chewed by angry customers, thinking no one cares about them. These guys have come a long way from the day I came here. When I first arrived on the scene, none of them wanted anything to do with me or my corporate mentality. You would have thought I was wearing trousers or a suit amongst their big city bohemian garb, and because I wasn’t one of them bleeding company colors, it took a long time to gain their trust and their friendship. I'm still probably not everyone's favorite child here, especially since announcing my departure plans, it's gotten very quiet for me. Boredom has hit an all time high but I'm finding plenty of time to do pretty much whatever I want without a looming deadline. Like this blog, I feel like just writing and writing and writing...
On the other personal side of Ryan, I've become a sounding board of advice for quite a few different people lately and honestly, I've missed being the advice man. I think I have some pretty valid insight into all things personal and relationship-y, even if I suck at following my own advice. Like a friend told me last night, who is identical in this situation, asking myself "what I would tell someone in the same situation" and not agreeing with that advice. It's true, and when someone doesn't heed my advice, I get a little sensitive (just a little), so should I be mad at myself for not taking my own two cents? I guess that's where the self deprecation starts and maybe, just maybe, for the first time in my life, I'm listening to my own advice and learning to let go. One breath and one whisper at a time, the days are getting easier but the thoughts of truly moving beyond is keeping me awake at night, less and less of course, but not to a point where a smile is constantly on the verge of my lips. That's a tough pill to swallow, as the friends and family in my life really do deserve to have that guy in the picture, not the one holding onto something that will prolong a life less meaningful. As a hopeless romantic, I know nothing else but to hold on, despite the knowledge that I have to really begin the letting go. I ended a piece the other day saying just that, and I do mean it, but I continue to teeter and sway and don't know what it's going to take to fall off the side. When that time comes, who knows, and really do I care? I want to have as much fun living as possible and enjoy new friendships and old ones that have been missing and see what the road leads to. My eyes are wide as the possibilities are limitless without reigns and I'm stoked about that. I'll just keep going and going and living and I know eventually one door will close and another will open, that's how life works.
Randomness on the playlist this morning, but have been listening to old Candlebox and Alice in Chains a lot lately. Something between the glam rock and darkness is a beauty that we haven't seen in current music outside of some lyrical gems from songwriters like Damian Rice and Pete Yorn. Even in the sunshine of Seattle end of summer season walking through the city, the black difference in my ears keeps my feet moving and reminds me to be thankful for the ability to hear and feel through music. I couldn't imagine a life without it, and I guess I'd honestly not have a life without it.
I just had a tech agent ask me, in total sincerity "what are we supposed to do without you now" and I smiled back and said "exactly what you've been doing, only better". It feels good to know that one of my biggest disbelievers when I arrived, was now a giant fan of mine and was concerned with what happens next. Guess I left my mark on some, may have to punch a couple others as mementos (I kid of course).
Enjoy your Thursday! I am
Stay blessed-
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Lame Duck, not lame...Quack
Well the 12 month experiment is almost over here at this little start-up I've talked about over the last year. This is my final week riding the train into work, final week of walking the city streets of downtown Seattle, and final week of working side by side with some really cool and not so cool people. I thought I'd be more bummed out about leaving this place, but I think it's the people I'll miss the most. That and the fact that even as a manager, I can throw on skate shoes, jeans and a t shirt and no one really questions my sanity. That'll change next week as I enter the new world of working in Bellevue. I'm more than stoked about the new job and having to dress like an adult, it'll be good to put some dough back into my dry cleaners pockets again, plus I personally think I clean up pretty well. It's funny when people who know me and my normal garb, see me in a jacket and slacks, they don't believe it. On the flip side are the people who have only ever seen me in business attire and the looks on their faces when they see me in a t shirt and my tattoo's, it's almost like they don't believe it. I think I like that reaction even more, especially since it pulls them into my world and knowing more about me. I've really reserved that for the right times and the right people.
When I was younger and thought my shit didn't stink, I could have cared less what people thought about me. Didn't care if I offended anyone, or rubbed someone the wrong way. I approached everything with the confidence of a seasoned vet, even when I didn't have the first clue about something. I had a story to tell for any part of a conversation, and I never let the truth get in the way of a good story.
That was my 20's, full of me and the 200 different masks I could wear at any given time. I'm fortunate that I do have the people in my life that stood by me through all the bullshit and just shit that wasn't the real me and invested their time to know the me inside of me.
In my 30's, I've grown up(a little), finally, but am still the kid that wants to go-go-go and be a part of everything fun. My desire to create new relationships and expand or revive old ones has really cropped up to a point where I'm actually following up on doing just that. It's refreshing to have a phone call with someone that last 2 hours that isn't about work, talk about life and kids and random crazy events and make plans. Normal stuff that I haven't been participating in for a long time, to no one's fault but my own. I just forgot to live as the whole me to some extent and I know that it took me being a single man on my own to own up to it. I never wanted to admit to a dependency, a quiet succumbing to suburban sprawl leaving behind those who had stuck by me through thick and thin. Don't get me wrong, they were never gone nor forgotten, just a million miles from my side. And I was with a woman who was truly my best friend, that I shared everything with, I didn't know I needed them as much as I did and still do. So I've grown up, needing them more than ever, and they didn't forget me. I am blessed in so many ways that it should make it hard to ever feel the pain in this loss or the hurt of change. As humans, we hold on longer than we should, which is ok when it's a welcoming hug or long kiss goodnight. But when it's feelings, real rip-your-guts-out-not-sleeping-not-eating-sick-of-it-all-hate-everything-love-everything feelings, those aren't so easy to release. The scars stay pretty apparent for awhile and even in three or four months now, they are finally starting to fade to a point where smiling comes easy, and the tears stay behind their dam a little longer each day. That doesn't mean I don't think or even dwell on the past, still getting upset from time to time, but I know that the past is that and the future can only be different if I let go. I wish it was truly as simple as writing these words, it's not. That's the truth no matter how I try and spin it. So for now...
This is me, letting go
Stay blessed-
When I was younger and thought my shit didn't stink, I could have cared less what people thought about me. Didn't care if I offended anyone, or rubbed someone the wrong way. I approached everything with the confidence of a seasoned vet, even when I didn't have the first clue about something. I had a story to tell for any part of a conversation, and I never let the truth get in the way of a good story.
That was my 20's, full of me and the 200 different masks I could wear at any given time. I'm fortunate that I do have the people in my life that stood by me through all the bullshit and just shit that wasn't the real me and invested their time to know the me inside of me.
In my 30's, I've grown up(a little), finally, but am still the kid that wants to go-go-go and be a part of everything fun. My desire to create new relationships and expand or revive old ones has really cropped up to a point where I'm actually following up on doing just that. It's refreshing to have a phone call with someone that last 2 hours that isn't about work, talk about life and kids and random crazy events and make plans. Normal stuff that I haven't been participating in for a long time, to no one's fault but my own. I just forgot to live as the whole me to some extent and I know that it took me being a single man on my own to own up to it. I never wanted to admit to a dependency, a quiet succumbing to suburban sprawl leaving behind those who had stuck by me through thick and thin. Don't get me wrong, they were never gone nor forgotten, just a million miles from my side. And I was with a woman who was truly my best friend, that I shared everything with, I didn't know I needed them as much as I did and still do. So I've grown up, needing them more than ever, and they didn't forget me. I am blessed in so many ways that it should make it hard to ever feel the pain in this loss or the hurt of change. As humans, we hold on longer than we should, which is ok when it's a welcoming hug or long kiss goodnight. But when it's feelings, real rip-your-guts-out-not-sleeping-not-eating-sick-of-it-all-hate-everything-love-everything feelings, those aren't so easy to release. The scars stay pretty apparent for awhile and even in three or four months now, they are finally starting to fade to a point where smiling comes easy, and the tears stay behind their dam a little longer each day. That doesn't mean I don't think or even dwell on the past, still getting upset from time to time, but I know that the past is that and the future can only be different if I let go. I wish it was truly as simple as writing these words, it's not. That's the truth no matter how I try and spin it. So for now...
This is me, letting go
Stay blessed-
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Si l'aint de ciel aiment beaucoup les bois
I owe some updates from Friday through this week but they'll have to come at another time. At this moment, I'm ignoring anything other than the fact that it's game day, finally, college football season kicks off tonight and Boise State is going to be shooting Ducks out of the sky at Bronco Stadium. The only thing that would make this better is if I was in Boise to watch this game. Tonight however, it'll be a father and son football night, rocking our blue and orange gear cheering on our (my) favorite college football program. Some day Jackson will thank me for this, or become a Vandal (like I was at one time), hell, U of I is a fun place at 18 years of age. Fortunately, I have 16 more years before we have to get to that point! I know I can't even begin to think about handling that right now.
Last night as I was driving home, I passed an older, mid-seventies bright yellow mustang for sale. On the windows in soap writing, it read, "Yes it runs! Needs TLC" and I shot back in my memory bank to a time when I spent countless hours working out plans to convince my folks to buy me a car. I remember thinking that $2,000 bucks didn't seem like a lot of money, but $7,000 did, and I really, even at 15 years old, had no concept of money. Maybe I still don't, as two grand doesn't seem like a lot of dough for a decent running vehicle. I think what scared me even more, was that at some point, I will have to buy him a car, and my adolescent toddler will be driving on the road and making choices and have to be responsible for things that even I at this age, do not want to be responsible for. They always said that becoming a parent will really change your life, but internal conversations like these really become the proof that it does. I was thinking about the day I got my license in Idaho, and it still feels like yesterday, even though it was 17 years ago. I'll never forget it, I had a '79 Honda Prelude from my grandmother that sat in front of my folks house for nearly 8 months before I could even drive it. I washed that thing every couple of days and started it every other day. I couldn't wait to be out driving. December 23rd, 1993, my mom and little sister piled into my 'lude' and my mom drove me out to city hall in Meridian to get my photo taken and get my actual license. When the lady behind the counter handed me that piece of molded plastic with my name and picture on it, it was like handing me the freedom to go anywhere I wanted at any point in time. I was 15! We went back to the car, smiling from ear to ear, I opened the passenger door for my sis and mom, and jumped into the driver seat. 15 miles back to the house, I followed the speed limit, did the S.M.O.G. procedure (Signal, Mirror, Over the shoulder, Go) and promptly pulled into the driveway. Mom and sister out of the car and I pulled away from the house, freedom of the wheel and road, all by my 15 year old self! I've been driving ever since with minimal interference from law enforcement and other vehicles, I've been lucky though. I hope I'm as cool with Jackson just coming and going as my folks were with me, but damn, I'd be lying if I said the thought doesn't scare the shit out of me, and I have how many years to work up to this??
Two new bands on the iPhone this week, one not so new but new to me. Secret Machines and Pop Evil, two totally different types of music and two different attitudes all together, both killing it in my headphones. If you like Jesus Jones/Pink Floyd/Jane's Addiction go check out Secret Machines (10 Silver Drops or Now Here is Nowhere) and if you just wanna rock out, Pop Evil are the suggestions this week.
Had a hell of a time staying on track mentally last night. I've known this for a long time, admittedly without acknowledgment, I am not good at being alone. Even having the dogs with me, wasn't enough to keep me from spending too much time and energy thinking about the past and wanting to make adjustments to the past, changes that maybe could have changed where I dwell these days. And maybe there's nothing I could have done differently that would have changed this. God knows, there's nothing I would change about having my son, and I don't think that at this point in my life should I be so concerned about the past, but it doesn't hurt any less and it doesn't make me stoked to only have two dogs to share in the glories of victory and the pains of loss. I, like many, need the feedback, the reaction, and without it, it's just not as fulfilling or comforting. At least I'm back to normal sleeping, normal to say 5-6 hours a night is enough, but at least these past couple of weeks have been easier to close my eyes and get through the night. That's a win!
So, here's to the rest of today going by quickly. I cannot wait for kickoff at 7:15 PT and my fantasy league draft, oh, and don't forget the Seahawks/Raiders preseason match up tonight as well. Looks like both of my teams in Blue are heading for a victory tonight, should be a great night, especially with my best guy sitting along side and cheering on the Bronco's!
Stay blessed-
Last night as I was driving home, I passed an older, mid-seventies bright yellow mustang for sale. On the windows in soap writing, it read, "Yes it runs! Needs TLC" and I shot back in my memory bank to a time when I spent countless hours working out plans to convince my folks to buy me a car. I remember thinking that $2,000 bucks didn't seem like a lot of money, but $7,000 did, and I really, even at 15 years old, had no concept of money. Maybe I still don't, as two grand doesn't seem like a lot of dough for a decent running vehicle. I think what scared me even more, was that at some point, I will have to buy him a car, and my adolescent toddler will be driving on the road and making choices and have to be responsible for things that even I at this age, do not want to be responsible for. They always said that becoming a parent will really change your life, but internal conversations like these really become the proof that it does. I was thinking about the day I got my license in Idaho, and it still feels like yesterday, even though it was 17 years ago. I'll never forget it, I had a '79 Honda Prelude from my grandmother that sat in front of my folks house for nearly 8 months before I could even drive it. I washed that thing every couple of days and started it every other day. I couldn't wait to be out driving. December 23rd, 1993, my mom and little sister piled into my 'lude' and my mom drove me out to city hall in Meridian to get my photo taken and get my actual license. When the lady behind the counter handed me that piece of molded plastic with my name and picture on it, it was like handing me the freedom to go anywhere I wanted at any point in time. I was 15! We went back to the car, smiling from ear to ear, I opened the passenger door for my sis and mom, and jumped into the driver seat. 15 miles back to the house, I followed the speed limit, did the S.M.O.G. procedure (Signal, Mirror, Over the shoulder, Go) and promptly pulled into the driveway. Mom and sister out of the car and I pulled away from the house, freedom of the wheel and road, all by my 15 year old self! I've been driving ever since with minimal interference from law enforcement and other vehicles, I've been lucky though. I hope I'm as cool with Jackson just coming and going as my folks were with me, but damn, I'd be lying if I said the thought doesn't scare the shit out of me, and I have how many years to work up to this??
Two new bands on the iPhone this week, one not so new but new to me. Secret Machines and Pop Evil, two totally different types of music and two different attitudes all together, both killing it in my headphones. If you like Jesus Jones/Pink Floyd/Jane's Addiction go check out Secret Machines (10 Silver Drops or Now Here is Nowhere) and if you just wanna rock out, Pop Evil are the suggestions this week.
Had a hell of a time staying on track mentally last night. I've known this for a long time, admittedly without acknowledgment, I am not good at being alone. Even having the dogs with me, wasn't enough to keep me from spending too much time and energy thinking about the past and wanting to make adjustments to the past, changes that maybe could have changed where I dwell these days. And maybe there's nothing I could have done differently that would have changed this. God knows, there's nothing I would change about having my son, and I don't think that at this point in my life should I be so concerned about the past, but it doesn't hurt any less and it doesn't make me stoked to only have two dogs to share in the glories of victory and the pains of loss. I, like many, need the feedback, the reaction, and without it, it's just not as fulfilling or comforting. At least I'm back to normal sleeping, normal to say 5-6 hours a night is enough, but at least these past couple of weeks have been easier to close my eyes and get through the night. That's a win!
So, here's to the rest of today going by quickly. I cannot wait for kickoff at 7:15 PT and my fantasy league draft, oh, and don't forget the Seahawks/Raiders preseason match up tonight as well. Looks like both of my teams in Blue are heading for a victory tonight, should be a great night, especially with my best guy sitting along side and cheering on the Bronco's!
Stay blessed-
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Here I go again on my...
One week down in 2 postings and another weeks worth of writing to get out. I'm not sure I did justice to the trip to Boise in my postings. I kind of rushed right through a lot of it, just trying to get some words down before it became too late in the game. And there's the last week, one which contained so much random chaos and exciting opportunities, that to skip right past it would be doing myself a disservice. I like to think I have quite the memory, that I remember details and points in time better than most, but as this life has become more and more abundantly busy, I'm concerned there may be a few things I'll pass right over if I don't document them. That being said, the next few pieces will probably be more of a recount of happenings more so than any insight I may have on the life I live. I guess they are one in the same, the experiences and the feelings. They do go hand in hand, and it would be really tough to have one without the other, unless you have amnesia. Time to time, I'd really like to be diagnosed with some sort of selective amnesia, where the parts of life that make it difficult to breathe as my heart cinches down on my lungs, could be erased as to not have to struggle out of their grip. Day to day would be easier, but losing any of that would be in direct conflict with who I have become, and worse, who I am becoming. Finally out of the rut, for now, that has been holding me under the mud and fallen rain, pooling up along the 4X4 trail of life. When I get stuck again isn't for me to ponder and worry about, it'll probably happen, and I'll search for that perfect winch spot to pull my ass end out again.
After returning from our trip it was obvious to me that staying home from the office the following Monday, was going to be necessary. Not feeling too awesome, having a few loads of laundry to run and a million new toys to get put away were going to require some attention and time, two things that have been in short supply for a fair amount of time. So I worked remote, got a lot done, both in the apartment and at work. I'm one of those people that when I work remote, without all the interruptions and goings on, I can complete about 12 hours of "in-office" work in about 5 hours. It's a wonderful thing, especially after being gone for 3 days and returning to 1100 emails, 12 voicemails and one fire after another to put out. It's an accomplished day when you can bust through those returns, and this day in particular wasn't any different. It also turned into an opportunity that hadn't been there prior to leaving for Boise the Friday before. About 11:30 a friend of mine sent me an IM (Instant Message folks) asking if I could be available for a phone screen with a company that afternoon. Phone Screen? It had been a really long time since I'd spent time on the phone talking with a potential employers recruiting department to discuss my resume and hear more about a new possible position. It's no secret to anyone that I haven't been too stoked in my current role and I was curious to hear that someone had seen my resume and wanted to talk with me. We set a time for them to call me, I did some background research on the company over 10 or 15 minutes and nearly forgot about the screening until the minute before the call came in. Phone rings and I answer in the appropriate professional manner, "Whatup! You got Ryan", not really, but it always sounds like a good way to make a first impression, right? I answer the phone and am greeted by the Executive Vice President of Global Operations for this company! OK, not who I expected to be calling, in fact, 1000% different than getting a call from a contracted recruiter asking basic questions to decipher if your resume is bullshit or not. And in turn, this was no phone screening or even an interview, this was a 30 minute conversation full of laughs and business theory and more laughs. He wrapped up the conversation asking about my schedule the rest of the week and when I could come in to formalize the process they were working within. The office is in downtown Bellevue, and I had a dentist appointment the following day in the neighboring city of Redmond at 4:00 which left me available around 5:30, and so we set up a formal interview. By 5:40 pm on Tuesday I found myself wearing jeans and an untucked button up shirt, sitting in the office of the EVP of Global Operations on the 16th floor of a brand new building overlooking all of downtown Bellevue, still trying to figure out how I got here. We joked briefly that when he told me to come casual, I followed directions to a tee. I realized I wasn't in my normal interview garb, but explained that wearing trousers in my office might get you beat up. He replied, no shit, "Saying the word trousers might get you beat up too, huh?" Classic, it was all laughs and all comfortable. For the next hour and a half we discussed the project they were preparing to start, my thoughts on it, my experiences, a lot of joking and well, my future with them. Who really talks about the future when you're not even in the door yet? Apparently I get to, or got to, and we ended the meeting with two simple questions from the EVP:
1- Are you interested? To which I responded, "I'd be lying if I didn't say absolutely" which in turn he responded "Than say 'absolutely'!" and
2- What is your availability?
I walked out of there and got in my truck knowing that I was getting to resign from my current station and move on to a bigger thing, a bigger business, a bigger paycheck and finally, after 11 years of getting my teeth kicked in by the companies I worked for, I was getting the role I deserved to have and moving my professional life forward to a point where everything changes from here. In essence, I'm really playing ball with the big dogs now, and I couldn't be more excited or stoked! It's an amazing feat that is going to change so much for me and more importantly Jackson. Within the next year, this living in an apartment and the south end, will be a distant memory. That's right, I'm going going, back back to the EASTSIDE. Think I'm excited?
After a couple of days of waiting, Thursday afternoon hit and the official offer letter came through and it was all I could do to hold back my excitement while I was still in my office. Had my boss been available at the time, I would have done what I had to wait until Friday morning to do, resign.
So, I'm 9 days away from my last day here, not that I'm counting down or anything. Really just looking at it as a very small window of time to wrap things up, make sure I leave this place better than I got it, and of course spend my last hours in the building drinking keg beer on the 7th floor patio! I will miss that part of this place for sure.
So, that gets me through Friday morning's resignation and the weekend just became one glorious random event after another, which is for another post all together.
Stay blessed and enjoy your day-
After returning from our trip it was obvious to me that staying home from the office the following Monday, was going to be necessary. Not feeling too awesome, having a few loads of laundry to run and a million new toys to get put away were going to require some attention and time, two things that have been in short supply for a fair amount of time. So I worked remote, got a lot done, both in the apartment and at work. I'm one of those people that when I work remote, without all the interruptions and goings on, I can complete about 12 hours of "in-office" work in about 5 hours. It's a wonderful thing, especially after being gone for 3 days and returning to 1100 emails, 12 voicemails and one fire after another to put out. It's an accomplished day when you can bust through those returns, and this day in particular wasn't any different. It also turned into an opportunity that hadn't been there prior to leaving for Boise the Friday before. About 11:30 a friend of mine sent me an IM (Instant Message folks) asking if I could be available for a phone screen with a company that afternoon. Phone Screen? It had been a really long time since I'd spent time on the phone talking with a potential employers recruiting department to discuss my resume and hear more about a new possible position. It's no secret to anyone that I haven't been too stoked in my current role and I was curious to hear that someone had seen my resume and wanted to talk with me. We set a time for them to call me, I did some background research on the company over 10 or 15 minutes and nearly forgot about the screening until the minute before the call came in. Phone rings and I answer in the appropriate professional manner, "Whatup! You got Ryan", not really, but it always sounds like a good way to make a first impression, right? I answer the phone and am greeted by the Executive Vice President of Global Operations for this company! OK, not who I expected to be calling, in fact, 1000% different than getting a call from a contracted recruiter asking basic questions to decipher if your resume is bullshit or not. And in turn, this was no phone screening or even an interview, this was a 30 minute conversation full of laughs and business theory and more laughs. He wrapped up the conversation asking about my schedule the rest of the week and when I could come in to formalize the process they were working within. The office is in downtown Bellevue, and I had a dentist appointment the following day in the neighboring city of Redmond at 4:00 which left me available around 5:30, and so we set up a formal interview. By 5:40 pm on Tuesday I found myself wearing jeans and an untucked button up shirt, sitting in the office of the EVP of Global Operations on the 16th floor of a brand new building overlooking all of downtown Bellevue, still trying to figure out how I got here. We joked briefly that when he told me to come casual, I followed directions to a tee. I realized I wasn't in my normal interview garb, but explained that wearing trousers in my office might get you beat up. He replied, no shit, "Saying the word trousers might get you beat up too, huh?" Classic, it was all laughs and all comfortable. For the next hour and a half we discussed the project they were preparing to start, my thoughts on it, my experiences, a lot of joking and well, my future with them. Who really talks about the future when you're not even in the door yet? Apparently I get to, or got to, and we ended the meeting with two simple questions from the EVP:
1- Are you interested? To which I responded, "I'd be lying if I didn't say absolutely" which in turn he responded "Than say 'absolutely'!" and
2- What is your availability?
I walked out of there and got in my truck knowing that I was getting to resign from my current station and move on to a bigger thing, a bigger business, a bigger paycheck and finally, after 11 years of getting my teeth kicked in by the companies I worked for, I was getting the role I deserved to have and moving my professional life forward to a point where everything changes from here. In essence, I'm really playing ball with the big dogs now, and I couldn't be more excited or stoked! It's an amazing feat that is going to change so much for me and more importantly Jackson. Within the next year, this living in an apartment and the south end, will be a distant memory. That's right, I'm going going, back back to the EASTSIDE. Think I'm excited?
After a couple of days of waiting, Thursday afternoon hit and the official offer letter came through and it was all I could do to hold back my excitement while I was still in my office. Had my boss been available at the time, I would have done what I had to wait until Friday morning to do, resign.
So, I'm 9 days away from my last day here, not that I'm counting down or anything. Really just looking at it as a very small window of time to wrap things up, make sure I leave this place better than I got it, and of course spend my last hours in the building drinking keg beer on the 7th floor patio! I will miss that part of this place for sure.
So, that gets me through Friday morning's resignation and the weekend just became one glorious random event after another, which is for another post all together.
Stay blessed and enjoy your day-
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