Disarmed

It's been 10 days since I've written and it's been a pretty strange 10 days. Since the last time, I've quit a job, started a job, been hurt(ing), caused some pain, caught up with old friends and new, attended a wedding, rode a ferry or two, driven about 800 miles, sent and received about 600 text messages, walked more than 8 miles, drank more than 20 gallons of coffee(total guess), 15 cans of Rockstar, bought some artwork, hung some photos, took some photos, saw my boys in Non-P play 2 shows and well, there's a ton of other details that include working and sleeping, but that's not nearly as interesting as the rest of my last 10 days. Maybe it is, guess that all depends on how much you enjoy reading this shit. Personally, I've been staying as busy as possible so as to not write here and have to actually sit back and think through, more than I already do, the things that keep me up at night and make me crazy throughout the day. I've been fighting, really really fighting not to let myself hit these walls that I've been seeming to have to scale at least once a week and sometimes once a day. Each time it seems to go almost as fast it showed up and once in awhile, it hangs out a little longer than I'm able to simply push down inside. Those times have become fewer and fewer as I continue to move forward with the life I'm living, but damnit all, when I get hit, it's like a train crash. So yeah, that's the last 10 days in a nutshell. You can guess, I'm not having much fun tonight, way too many things I want to say, and scream and yell and well, I'm not sure it's worth it anymore. I mean, is it going to matter at the end of the day or at the end of this life? Will this time really mean as much 10 years from now as it has over the last 10 days or 5 months? Knowing this, can anyone answer why I suck so bad at just moving forward? I'm trying, damn am I ever trying, and yet the thought of it eats me to the core and I get swallowed up by the emotion of memories and thoughts of just cashing it in for now. Fuck it, this is exactly why I haven't been writing lately. I don't want to talk like this or about this and show the weaknesses in my armour. There's so much more to me than all of this pain and self deprecation and the one trick pony show that paints me to be so, dare I say emo, is starting to make me feel foolish and less the man I am.

I have a book to write, and really do need to spend some time trying to focus more on it than what I'm dealing with right now. Maybe it'll be as cathartic as I need it be, but rarely are expectations even close to being met. God knows, I need a way to vent it out, just need to find the medium. Until then, there will probably be something like this shit from time to time instead of the recount I often find myself spewing out.

Stay blessed and say a prayer for this guy-