Au moins maintenant l'orage ne peut pas me souffler parti

Well it's been an eventful week in the schizophrenic conversations I've been having with myself. Of course, I've stolen that line from an Aaron Lewis song, but it really has captured what I've been dealing with over the past weeks and months. There are good days, great days, hard days and miserable days. There's good conversations, some funny conversations, and then there's the internal discussions I have with myself that are down right ugly and hurtful and anything far from healing or helpful. I know I'm not the only one that does this, we all do it in one way or another, we're built that way, and anyone who actually says that they aren't introspective and doesn't discuss things with themselves, is either lying or oblivious to their own thoughts. And we all know there are people like that in the world, we see how many of them driving vehicles every morning on our way into work? I know I do, it's why 405 northbound was so backed up this morning, almost making me late to my 8:00 am meeting. Fortunately for me, I actually paid attention to the over road signs on I-5 suggesting I use a different route to Bellevue due to an accident at 44th. Thankfully, I wasn't too engaged in my own conversation while passing under the suggested detour that I missed it.

The conversations have been so all over the place these past few days and although it would probably be somewhat therapeutic for me to write it out here and re-read it later, I'm not going to. For no one's safety but my own, the last thing I need at this point in time is anyone worrying about whether or not I'm ok, doing drugs, needing rehab or a clinical lock down. Yes, things in my head have gone from simple memories with smiles to downright dark anger and bitterness and back to the lessons learned in years of being a simple romantic wanting something better than being alone. I can admit that, as should nearly 100% of you if we're being honest, no one wants to be alone. No one chooses to walk through life without a partner to share in that. I know I didn't necessarily choose it although it was what needed to happen at that juncture in life. I don't know if it was the right choice or if there was something else that could have made things different, but I do know that depending on what day it is, it was the right choice. Of course, that doesn't change the fact that day in and day out, I go home and do whatever it is I need to to stay busy; hit the gym, walk the dogs, play the guitar, write some music, play some video games, chat through text, update my stupid facebook status 50 times, watch a show or twelve, ignore a book staring me in the face, cook, clean, and so on. Anything and everything to stay busy or numb and try to live a life where I don't self destruct, keep my eyes open to new relationships, new friends, new memories, different. I've been burying myself during the day with work, so much so that I haven't kept up on this blog until now, where I've grabbed some spare time where I should be eating lunch, instead to tell you that I am ok. I don't need rehab, I don't need a "House"-like institutionalization to get better. I'm getting better without that, I'm learning what it takes to get beyond, despite the times I write here that I'm not. I don't feel stupid for breaking down from time to time as I write it out, the painful times or the bottom of the barrel moments. I know all too well that I should probably keep my mouth shut, but I don't cause I'm not built that way. I was born a guy who literally wears his heart on his sleeves and tells it like it is, at that moment, and I rarely hold back words or feelings, probably to my own detriment. And yet, I'm proud of that, it's honest and it's real, and I wish more people would do that. If there's one very specific thing I respect its that, whether I agree or approve with it or not. At least it's truth, and although that truth, that reality, cuts right through me from time to time, I'm still here. I have to tell myself from time to time when looking in the mirror, that despite of everything I've ever done wrong, every mistake or withheld truth, I am still here, stronger even when I feel like the load is too heavy to continue carrying, I'm still here. It would, however, be nice to share that load with someone else, which I guess is really just figurative. I do not want or need someone in my life to simply deal with my shit and fix it, rather someone to share in life, walk through life together and grow in this life. Don't you?

If you don't agree, then maybe you are a part of the small percentage of the world that should be alone, and that's cool too. To each their own, right? No matter how much work I put into me right now and focus on being a better dad and better man, my viewpoint on partnership and relationships won't change. I'm guarded though, a giant wall with binoculars present to make sure that feelings are real, that expectations are achievable and that no one unnecessarily gets hurt, all while trying to ensure that at the end of this life, I don't die alone. I don't know if that's possible, letting someone in without giving away the keys, and maybe I won't. Maybe I do die alone some day long from today, maybe that's ok too. These are the conversations I have with myself that are at the light end of the spectrum, the ones that don't really keep me up all night, but give me food for more thought, more conversations, more something. More, I guess, than staying busy and buried in the monotony of always trying to stay busy.

Stay blessed-

Schizophrenic Conversations lyrics

Are you afraid, afraid of the truth
in the mirror staring back at you
The image is cracked, but so it the view here
and the strength of a tree begins in the roots.
That I tend to bury into to you
At least now the storm can't blow me away

So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be
To blame like me.

Should I be afraid of this face that I see
In the mirror staring back at me
So cold were the days when I listened to you.
And you say that I'm weak, so show me the proof
Cause I still exist in spite of you
But I won't compete with you everyday,

So crawl inside my head with me,
I'll show you how it feels to be
To blame like me

Schizophrenic conversations that
I'm always having with myself
I hear these voices in my head competing
Maybe I could use a little help
I still have Schizophrenic conversations when there's no one else around to hear
I long for solitude and peace within me
Void of all the anger and the fear.

So crawl inside my head with me
I'll show you how it feels to be
Fucked up like me.

I'll show you how it feels to be
To blame like me
ashamed like me