Lame Duck, not lame...Quack

Well the 12 month experiment is almost over here at this little start-up I've talked about over the last year. This is my final week riding the train into work, final week of walking the city streets of downtown Seattle, and final week of working side by side with some really cool and not so cool people. I thought I'd be more bummed out about leaving this place, but I think it's the people I'll miss the most. That and the fact that even as a manager, I can throw on skate shoes, jeans and a t shirt and no one really questions my sanity. That'll change next week as I enter the new world of working in Bellevue. I'm more than stoked about the new job and having to dress like an adult, it'll be good to put some dough back into my dry cleaners pockets again, plus I personally think I clean up pretty well. It's funny when people who know me and my normal garb, see me in a jacket and slacks, they don't believe it. On the flip side are the people who have only ever seen me in business attire and the looks on their faces when they see me in a t shirt and my tattoo's, it's almost like they don't believe it. I think I like that reaction even more, especially since it pulls them into my world and knowing more about me. I've really reserved that for the right times and the right people.

When I was younger and thought my shit didn't stink, I could have cared less what people thought about me. Didn't care if I offended anyone, or rubbed someone the wrong way. I approached everything with the confidence of a seasoned vet, even when I didn't have the first clue about something. I had a story to tell for any part of a conversation, and I never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

That was my 20's, full of me and the 200 different masks I could wear at any given time. I'm fortunate that I do have the people in my life that stood by me through all the bullshit and just shit that wasn't the real me and invested their time to know the me inside of me.

In my 30's, I've grown up(a little), finally, but am still the kid that wants to go-go-go and be a part of everything fun. My desire to create new relationships and expand or revive old ones has really cropped up to a point where I'm actually following up on doing just that. It's refreshing to have a phone call with someone that last 2 hours that isn't about work, talk about life and kids and random crazy events and make plans. Normal stuff that I haven't been participating in for a long time, to no one's fault but my own. I just forgot to live as the whole me to some extent and I know that it took me being a single man on my own to own up to it. I never wanted to admit to a dependency, a quiet succumbing to suburban sprawl leaving behind those who had stuck by me through thick and thin. Don't get me wrong, they were never gone nor forgotten, just a million miles from my side. And I was with a woman who was truly my best friend, that I shared everything with, I didn't know I needed them as much as I did and still do. So I've grown up, needing them more than ever, and they didn't forget me. I am blessed in so many ways that it should make it hard to ever feel the pain in this loss or the hurt of change. As humans, we hold on longer than we should, which is ok when it's a welcoming hug or long kiss goodnight. But when it's feelings, real rip-your-guts-out-not-sleeping-not-eating-sick-of-it-all-hate-everything-love-everything feelings, those aren't so easy to release. The scars stay pretty apparent for awhile and even in three or four months now, they are finally starting to fade to a point where smiling comes easy, and the tears stay behind their dam a little longer each day. That doesn't mean I don't think or even dwell on the past, still getting upset from time to time, but I know that the past is that and the future can only be different if I let go. I wish it was truly as simple as writing these words, it's not. That's the truth no matter how I try and spin it. So for now...

This is me, letting go

Stay blessed-