I am an asshole, a miserable one at that. This is something I definitely know about myself, even when I try my best not to be. It's something that just comes out when I've got my back against a wall or feel like I'm on the defensive. Maybe that just means I'm a defensive asshole, I don't know. What I do know is that in my irrational defensiveness, I get angry and I get spiteful and all of the traits that make me the "Hulk" of assholeness, red instead of the traditional green. I don't like it, that part of me. In fact, it is something I despise and have desperately worked so diligently to let go of. As an adult, you'd think I'd have this figured out, apparently I still have some growing up to do. Damn the little things that set me off and send me into a whirl wind of sleepless nights, debilitating emotions and endless recounting of days long past and loss. I try, oh my God do I try, to just move forward. With each new day comes another piece of me being dismantled and as much as I shouldn't continue to let it impact me physically or emotionally, it does. So I write it out, screaming through my fingers on this keyboard, to only say what is killing me inside so that I can move on with my breathing and my thinking and my life. I don't write this here because I need anyone to give a shit, I don't write this here because I need your sympathy. I write this here to help me get through yet another day in this self-made hell I dwell in, until the time I figure out how to live a life more meaningful. And even then, if that happens, I'll still write here, hopefully with less angst than I write today. Yes, I am angry. Yes, I am disappointed. Angry at myself and disappointed with my reactions and my inability to be an adult at times. I am human, one with real life emotion and a heart on his sleeve and I don't always make the best choices in words or reactions and I share it with the world because the walls don't listen or respond and I feel like I'm a million miles away from those people who I can confide in. That, and my therapist stood me up Monday, so I've had some built up shit going on. Yeah, I'm a certified asshole today, but I'm working on it.
"I haven't felt the way, I feel today, in so long it's hard for me to specify."
Ok, now that I'm done with that it's time to get to getting. My apologies if this has caught you off guard or hurt you in any way. Remember that I'm doing this thing for me, to get me through, and if my words help someone else cope or at least help someone identify that they aren't the only one going through this, than cool. If there's something you want to say, please, say it. There's no point in holding your breath or even holding back. I wish I had some funny anecdotal story to all of this today, believe it or not, I don't. I'm sure I'll swing this heartache the other way by the morning when my son makes his way back to my arms and then Sunday when I spend 12+ hours out on the boat acting like a 20 year old, assuming my real age doesn't kick in and I decide not to head out. It could happen, but it depends on what else comes around, and that is something I look forward to hearing all about.
Stay blessed-
Friday, July 31, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I need a spoon
Day 3 of this current Seattle heatwave. I'm not real into complaining about things like this but I've gotten about 6 hours of sleep in the last 2 days and it's making me more than cranky. Today is the first day that I'm wearing non business casual clothes to work, dawning a t-shirt, shorts and flip flops. It felt a little weird leaving my place this morning wearing this, but that's the joy of working for a small Seattle company that prides itself on "respect of individuals and individuality", and no dress code. Of course, it's always been this way, but as a manager, I've always felt it was more appropriate to be above the fray. Not today
Forecast showing 101 for my neck of the woods today so tonight should be as pleasant as last night. With both dogs and Jackson, the four of us ventured out of the humidity and into another sweat box last night following some good fun at the Little Gym. Jackson and I were pretty tired but the heat made sleep uncomfortable and from about 8:45 to midnight, Jackson had a few intervals of crying, mostly for mommy. I think he sees her as the ultimate comfort, being able to make anything feel better. He's probably right in that thought process. I do my best to help him get situated; sing some songs, get him something to drink, read a book and tuck him in (when's it's not scorching in the apartment). Mom's are just somehow better at telling kids "everything is gonna be alright", and they believe them. I'm working on developing that, for his sake and for my sanity. It's rough when you just need them to go to sleep and you know that they'd be happier if they could just sleep. Especially when that's about all you can think about, I know that's what was running through my mind last night. His room was much cooler than the rest of the place and I narrowly choose to sleep in my own room as he held onto my hand for that mommy comfort. I replaced my hand eventually with a monkey, that he hugged harder than I've ever seen him hug anything. Pretty powerful visual that I know I can't do justice with in these words.
5:15 came earlier than I wanted, both dogs sprawled out next to me sleeping soundly as I exited the bed and hit the shower. I swear the water couldn't have been cold enough, still 80-something in my bedroom as I made my way to the bathroom. I'm thankful for A/C in my truck and on this train as I write this. My toes are actually a little chilly with these flip flops, which will change in a few minutes as I enter the streets of Seattle and make my way into the office.
Started watching "The Watchmen" yesterday on the iPhone, and I have to say, I'm not as disappointed as I originally thought I'd be. The story is a little hard to follow but I think they've done a good job, both with story line and cinematography. Check it out if you haven't seen it yet but make sure you're settled in and paying attention, there's lots of back and forth in the time line.
Should be a quick day in the office, hopefully, although I think I may have just jinxed myself in saying that. Looking forward to hitting the pool up with the other legion of residents that will surely be on the same wavelength tonight. At least there's one way to cool down, right? Will probably need to hit the grocery store too for some popsicles and other cool treats, anything to stay cool. Hopefully this is the last sticky night for awhile, I need sleep, a spoon and some comfort to get through this.
Led Zeppelin on the head phones as I wrap this up this morning, not a horrible way to start the work day.
Stay blessed, and cool-
Forecast showing 101 for my neck of the woods today so tonight should be as pleasant as last night. With both dogs and Jackson, the four of us ventured out of the humidity and into another sweat box last night following some good fun at the Little Gym. Jackson and I were pretty tired but the heat made sleep uncomfortable and from about 8:45 to midnight, Jackson had a few intervals of crying, mostly for mommy. I think he sees her as the ultimate comfort, being able to make anything feel better. He's probably right in that thought process. I do my best to help him get situated; sing some songs, get him something to drink, read a book and tuck him in (when's it's not scorching in the apartment). Mom's are just somehow better at telling kids "everything is gonna be alright", and they believe them. I'm working on developing that, for his sake and for my sanity. It's rough when you just need them to go to sleep and you know that they'd be happier if they could just sleep. Especially when that's about all you can think about, I know that's what was running through my mind last night. His room was much cooler than the rest of the place and I narrowly choose to sleep in my own room as he held onto my hand for that mommy comfort. I replaced my hand eventually with a monkey, that he hugged harder than I've ever seen him hug anything. Pretty powerful visual that I know I can't do justice with in these words.
5:15 came earlier than I wanted, both dogs sprawled out next to me sleeping soundly as I exited the bed and hit the shower. I swear the water couldn't have been cold enough, still 80-something in my bedroom as I made my way to the bathroom. I'm thankful for A/C in my truck and on this train as I write this. My toes are actually a little chilly with these flip flops, which will change in a few minutes as I enter the streets of Seattle and make my way into the office.
Started watching "The Watchmen" yesterday on the iPhone, and I have to say, I'm not as disappointed as I originally thought I'd be. The story is a little hard to follow but I think they've done a good job, both with story line and cinematography. Check it out if you haven't seen it yet but make sure you're settled in and paying attention, there's lots of back and forth in the time line.
Should be a quick day in the office, hopefully, although I think I may have just jinxed myself in saying that. Looking forward to hitting the pool up with the other legion of residents that will surely be on the same wavelength tonight. At least there's one way to cool down, right? Will probably need to hit the grocery store too for some popsicles and other cool treats, anything to stay cool. Hopefully this is the last sticky night for awhile, I need sleep, a spoon and some comfort to get through this.
Led Zeppelin on the head phones as I wrap this up this morning, not a horrible way to start the work day.
Stay blessed, and cool-
Monday, July 27, 2009
It only gets hotter...
Not entirely sure where to start this morning, except to say that life in Washington summers with no air conditioning sucks. The high at my apartment yesterday topped out near 92 and humid. There was nearly no reason to shower other than to prevent being the stinky guy in public. Friday wasn't nearly as hot and Saturday was closer at 88 but it still wasn't as nasty as Sunday. And although I grew up in 100+ Idaho Summer days, there wasn't the humidity and everyone had A/C. Not so much the case here, as there are only 10-15 days a year in a "hot" summer that you'd even use it. Yesterday, and the rest of this week from what the forecast looks like, are those days. That means lots of time in the water, which isn't a bad thing, except for the first sunburn of the year setting in last night after spending much of the day drinking beer at my old house on Lake Sammamish with Jake and company.
Oh that house and the stories it could tell. I lived in that house for about three and a half years, when the only thing any of us cared about was getting up to wakeboard, using the lake as our shower, heading to work and returning home to do it all over again. Little did we care that we lived in the 5th shittiest house on the lake or that all of our neighbors were CEO's or former CEO's and executives trying to settle in to some peace and quiet. We were some kind of motley crew that most grew to love, others did what they could to get us evicted. 7 years later, "we" still have that house, Jake being the only original roommate still living there, although as I hit up the kitchen to grub last nights steak, I noticed many of my old dishes, coffee cups and other odds and ends still performing valiantly there, all these years later. There is a piece of me that misses parts of that lifestyle, but I could never go back to being that easy going, laid back bachelor, living in what is now probably the shittiest house on Lake Sammamish since all of the others have been torn down for million dollar homes. I'll hang out there though, as much as I possibly can while I still can, I love it there.
Driving back to the dirrty south last night with Social Distortion blasting anthem after punk rock anthem from the stereo, I was on auto pilot, excited to tell the days stories and laugh about the days of old. I almost got into the driveway when it hit me that I had taken a wrong turn, I went home. I sat in my truck for a few minutes, around the corner from my home trying to figure out what I had just done without even really thinking about where I was going. I guess I wasn't thinking, just doing what I've always done and my trusty F150 was leading the way. Deep breath, truck in gear, I followed the circle around the neighborhood and headed to my apartment where I had left all the windows open and arived to what still felt like a sauna. Needless to say, this brain was fired up and working overtime to prevent me from sleeping, coupled with the insulation in the walls holding onto every last degree of the days heat to keep me super warm, it was a late night.
**Update**Just found out my little man just had his first successful potty on the potty! Yes, I'm a proud papa, and it may sound a little weird, but I wish I had been there for it. I actually had that proud tearful moment sitting here, hearing about it, but quickly realized that the short tear was more about not being present for this success. I really don't think I can handle missing any more of his firsts so I need to game plan his firsts to only occur while we're together, he and I. I joke of course, and am very happy his mommy got to be there for this and enjoy that success, just figured I'd be a part of those times too. Yeah, it sucks to miss anything with them and it is bittersweet.
Forecast is showing 98 in Seattle today which means it'll be even warmer in the south end when I get off work. Good thing for a playlist consisting of Social D, Flogging Molly, Dropkick Murphy's, The Transplants and the Violent Femmes, probably help me keep a heavy pace across the city this afternoon. You can never go wrong with punk music.
Busy week ahead, both personally and professionally, and although there's room for some fun, I'm not sure entirely how I feel about the current state of my un-union and trying to work through it. Tomorrow night, I'll have both dogs and Jackson, and a calendar full of little things. That all used to seem so easy and I'm trying to look at it from that angle, but no matter how I try to spin it for myself, it scares me. It just feels overwhelming and it shouldn't, I know it shouldn't. So why does it? Tasks and responsibilities I accepted and accomplished a thousand times before now seem like they need more effort, more energy, just more. I'll get over it of course, but the underlying symptoms tell me that I never really did any of it alone. There was always someone else getting me through it, another set of hands to back me up and I think that's the difference today, I have only these two hands. And with my own two hands, I have to do some heavy lifting and continue doing what I do. It's just not feeling any easier as I do this, but I'm told (and have said previously) it will. It has to, I have faith that it will.
Planning a few trips in August, Boise and LA on the radar. Not sure what order they are happening yet, but can say that one trip will be as dad and one will be as the inner-fifteen year old on holiday. I'm sure those of you that know the deal will figure out which version is going where!
Stay blessed-
Oh that house and the stories it could tell. I lived in that house for about three and a half years, when the only thing any of us cared about was getting up to wakeboard, using the lake as our shower, heading to work and returning home to do it all over again. Little did we care that we lived in the 5th shittiest house on the lake or that all of our neighbors were CEO's or former CEO's and executives trying to settle in to some peace and quiet. We were some kind of motley crew that most grew to love, others did what they could to get us evicted. 7 years later, "we" still have that house, Jake being the only original roommate still living there, although as I hit up the kitchen to grub last nights steak, I noticed many of my old dishes, coffee cups and other odds and ends still performing valiantly there, all these years later. There is a piece of me that misses parts of that lifestyle, but I could never go back to being that easy going, laid back bachelor, living in what is now probably the shittiest house on Lake Sammamish since all of the others have been torn down for million dollar homes. I'll hang out there though, as much as I possibly can while I still can, I love it there.
Driving back to the dirrty south last night with Social Distortion blasting anthem after punk rock anthem from the stereo, I was on auto pilot, excited to tell the days stories and laugh about the days of old. I almost got into the driveway when it hit me that I had taken a wrong turn, I went home. I sat in my truck for a few minutes, around the corner from my home trying to figure out what I had just done without even really thinking about where I was going. I guess I wasn't thinking, just doing what I've always done and my trusty F150 was leading the way. Deep breath, truck in gear, I followed the circle around the neighborhood and headed to my apartment where I had left all the windows open and arived to what still felt like a sauna. Needless to say, this brain was fired up and working overtime to prevent me from sleeping, coupled with the insulation in the walls holding onto every last degree of the days heat to keep me super warm, it was a late night.
**Update**Just found out my little man just had his first successful potty on the potty! Yes, I'm a proud papa, and it may sound a little weird, but I wish I had been there for it. I actually had that proud tearful moment sitting here, hearing about it, but quickly realized that the short tear was more about not being present for this success. I really don't think I can handle missing any more of his firsts so I need to game plan his firsts to only occur while we're together, he and I. I joke of course, and am very happy his mommy got to be there for this and enjoy that success, just figured I'd be a part of those times too. Yeah, it sucks to miss anything with them and it is bittersweet.
Forecast is showing 98 in Seattle today which means it'll be even warmer in the south end when I get off work. Good thing for a playlist consisting of Social D, Flogging Molly, Dropkick Murphy's, The Transplants and the Violent Femmes, probably help me keep a heavy pace across the city this afternoon. You can never go wrong with punk music.
Busy week ahead, both personally and professionally, and although there's room for some fun, I'm not sure entirely how I feel about the current state of my un-union and trying to work through it. Tomorrow night, I'll have both dogs and Jackson, and a calendar full of little things. That all used to seem so easy and I'm trying to look at it from that angle, but no matter how I try to spin it for myself, it scares me. It just feels overwhelming and it shouldn't, I know it shouldn't. So why does it? Tasks and responsibilities I accepted and accomplished a thousand times before now seem like they need more effort, more energy, just more. I'll get over it of course, but the underlying symptoms tell me that I never really did any of it alone. There was always someone else getting me through it, another set of hands to back me up and I think that's the difference today, I have only these two hands. And with my own two hands, I have to do some heavy lifting and continue doing what I do. It's just not feeling any easier as I do this, but I'm told (and have said previously) it will. It has to, I have faith that it will.
Planning a few trips in August, Boise and LA on the radar. Not sure what order they are happening yet, but can say that one trip will be as dad and one will be as the inner-fifteen year old on holiday. I'm sure those of you that know the deal will figure out which version is going where!
Stay blessed-
Friday, July 24, 2009
Keep rockin the 808
6 weeks, it's been 6 weeks since I signed a lease on this other place to dwell. 6 weeks ago I signed away the life I had, for another. Maybe that's a dramatic viewpoint, but there's only 2 ways to look at it. On one hand, I left a difficult situation that had very little, if anything, left to work with, much to my dismay. That in and of itself, is a bitter pill I'm still trying to swallow. Acceptance is something I've always had a hard time with, specifically when it's about something I've failed at no matter what lengths I went to make every day better than the one before. It's humbling and it's a process of grieving and learning how to stand alone, again. On the other hand, it's an opportunity. An opportunity to see what else is, who else, is out there that may be better than the one before or the one before that, or the one before that. I feel calous as I write this, as if every relationship I've spent a significant amount of time, heart and energy in was a "thing". None of them were "things" or just phases in my life. I loved, I lived, and I felt pain and grief. There are degrees to those emotions and actions, and as I've grown personally and emotionally, the seperation of degrees in which I dwelt are significant.
In all sincerity I can say that nothing has ever hurt like this does, but I've also never dealt with the aftermath as well as I have this time. Part of that may be due to having the best part of my life still to come because of her, in my son. Maybe it's a sign that I really did know that we needed to be at this juncture in life, seperate. That's more than hard to look into for me, because I have never loved anyone like I loved her, and at the end of the day, it didn't make it any better. It scares me that I may never allow myself to have those intense emotions with anyone else, which in essence, really means that someone else in that role in my life should actually be receiving even more than anyone previous, right? It's going to take someone so amazing to pull that out of me, and will I ever deserve someone like that? I'm not trying to have a pitty party this morning, just speaking frankly, and I don't need to hear answers on that question. Just thinking out loud for the sake of thinking.
"808's and Heartbreak" on the iPhone this morning...interesting idea
I'm not having a rough morning, I'm not sad or screaming, I'm kind of numb today. I'm hurting inside for a lot of friends going through some really tough times, some that may even eclipse my own loss, and I'm thinking about you today. I know there are those of you feeling alone and lost and hurting like you've never hurt before, afraid it will never go away. Take peace in knowing it will get better and you are never alone. There are people who spend time thinking about you, praying for you, answering your calls in the middle of the night to sing you lullabye's and walk you home safe in the dark. If this is you, reading this now, you know I love you and regardless of what is happening in my heart, I'm still there for you, anytime, anyplace.
I'll probably have some more to say about all this later...feels like a multi-post kind of day
Stay blessed-
In all sincerity I can say that nothing has ever hurt like this does, but I've also never dealt with the aftermath as well as I have this time. Part of that may be due to having the best part of my life still to come because of her, in my son. Maybe it's a sign that I really did know that we needed to be at this juncture in life, seperate. That's more than hard to look into for me, because I have never loved anyone like I loved her, and at the end of the day, it didn't make it any better. It scares me that I may never allow myself to have those intense emotions with anyone else, which in essence, really means that someone else in that role in my life should actually be receiving even more than anyone previous, right? It's going to take someone so amazing to pull that out of me, and will I ever deserve someone like that? I'm not trying to have a pitty party this morning, just speaking frankly, and I don't need to hear answers on that question. Just thinking out loud for the sake of thinking.
"808's and Heartbreak" on the iPhone this morning...interesting idea
I'm not having a rough morning, I'm not sad or screaming, I'm kind of numb today. I'm hurting inside for a lot of friends going through some really tough times, some that may even eclipse my own loss, and I'm thinking about you today. I know there are those of you feeling alone and lost and hurting like you've never hurt before, afraid it will never go away. Take peace in knowing it will get better and you are never alone. There are people who spend time thinking about you, praying for you, answering your calls in the middle of the night to sing you lullabye's and walk you home safe in the dark. If this is you, reading this now, you know I love you and regardless of what is happening in my heart, I'm still there for you, anytime, anyplace.
I'll probably have some more to say about all this later...feels like a multi-post kind of day
Stay blessed-
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wholeness is brokenness, owned
Short and sweet today, as it's been a long week already, this being Thursday, and tomorrow setting up the weekend. It's been quite an eventful week, as work has been at the forefront of my output, making each evening seem longer and longer and with less and less excitement or thought. Last night, for instance, I fell asleep on the couch about 8:30, waking up at 10:23 and wondering what the hell had happened to me. I flipped through the DVR and checked my laptop to see if my current update to SP2 was completed. Bean looked up at me from her bed next to the couch with a look that said "don't even think I'm getting up from this spot". As a side note, I love thinking that she actually could say something and I know she'd be as snarky and irritated as I am at times. Nothing on the DVR that had me intrigued enough to stay up, SP2 was done installing and I could barely keep my eyes open. So, in a dazed and confused stumble, I picked up the too comfortable chihuahua, turned off the TV, closed the laptop and hit the switch on the lights and headed to bed. Took me a few minutes to return to slumber, at least it felt like it did, and about 10:50 the crying in the next room jumped me out of my skin, sending Bean for a blanket ride. Jackson somehow posted himself up between the wall and his bed and wasn't awake enough to get out, exerting just enough energy to cry loud enough for me to save him from an uncomfortable spot. I scooped him up pretty quick and helped his head find the pillow. Back to crazy binky suction action, sound asleep, I wanted to just crawl into that little race car bed and sleep like a baby. I watched him sleep for a few minutes, wishing I could sleep like that and if I cried, someone would come scoop me up and put me back to comfortable slumber. I headed back to my nice warm bed where Bean had taken up the warm spot and slept through until the 5:15 alarm bell. Guess I really needed that sleep, I feel a million times better today. Hope this isn't a sign of age, needing more sleep. I love staying up late and being a kid. I also hope that never changes, enjoying what life is and being able to be silly and dreaming and maintaining hope.
My weekly sermon on the iPhone as I walked through the city streets to the train today. It was a good one, and one in which this post is titled after. "...wholeness is brokenness, owned, therefore new life...". I've said many times that I want to feel whole, feel comfortable and enjoy life. It seems like at times how broken I've been, I can never put it all back together, but hearing that phrase tells me that if what it is I want in this life, I have to. A new life, a new wholeness, owning the pieces that are broken and making them fit again. It's hard, right now, to think that's possible, but if witnessing my sons tears and screams in the middle of the night subsiding with a scoop and a pillow, I suppose anything is possible.
Keep loving one another.
Stay blessed-
My weekly sermon on the iPhone as I walked through the city streets to the train today. It was a good one, and one in which this post is titled after. "...wholeness is brokenness, owned, therefore new life...". I've said many times that I want to feel whole, feel comfortable and enjoy life. It seems like at times how broken I've been, I can never put it all back together, but hearing that phrase tells me that if what it is I want in this life, I have to. A new life, a new wholeness, owning the pieces that are broken and making them fit again. It's hard, right now, to think that's possible, but if witnessing my sons tears and screams in the middle of the night subsiding with a scoop and a pillow, I suppose anything is possible.
Keep loving one another.
Stay blessed-
Monday, July 20, 2009
Speak Up now or forever hold your peace
The fog hasn't quite lifted from my body yet this morning, as we approach the afternoon. The weekend was a tangled mess of fun and debauchery, chaos and beauty, laughter and tears, drinking and smoking, and family. I probably participated in all of the previous verbs, I say probably due to the multiple empty bottles of Hendrick's, Jameson, and Grey Goose I stumbled over 2 mornings in a row. As promised, I did not abuse any alcohol put before me, it was all treated to a nice and easy ride starting at the lips and making its way through the inner workings of my liver, stomach and eventually, the bottom of a urinal. There were no reverse routes made by said alcohol through the weekend, amazingly enough! But enough of my consumption, I'm sure my mother is going to love reading this, but she'll be happy to know that a great time was had by everyone.
Friday afternoon I headed out to on the road for what should have been about a two hour drive to the middle of no where, at the base of Mt St Helen's. Forty five minutes into my drive, I was 13.8 miles from home. I don't know why there is always so much traffic near Ft. Lewis military base. I'm told it's not always like that, I guess I'm just lucky enough to consistently hit it when heading south. During my sit through bumper to bumper military traffic, I took a few minutes to run through what I had packed for the weekend. Next to me in my truck was everything one could possibly need on a short road trip; laptop, iPhone, directions, 2 cans of Carb Free Rockstar, and a powerbar, a super hot 16 oz Quad Skinny Mocha in the cup holder to boot. A/C blasting away as the outside temp approached 90, phone in hand trading text messages with friends, anything to pass the time of traffic. I shifted attention from the front seat to the extra cab of my truck and ran the mental inventory of what I had actually packed up. Suit, dress shoes, dress shirts, bathroom bag, sleeping bag, shorts, t-shirts, flip flops...and then it hit me. The 2 dress shirts I grabbed were both black, perfect for an outdoor wedding in the blazing sun, and the most important part of packing for a weekend of fun, I forgot underwear. How do you forget to pack drawls? Sorry mom, I know better, but the good news is, I immediately formed a contingency plan. My mom is quite the shopper, which kind of turned me into one as well. The minute I realized I had no drawls other than the ones I'd been sitting in for a full day of work and now resting my arse in traffic, and was in need of a suitable dress shirt for a wedding, I immediately remembered the factory outlet mall about 30 miles ahead in Chehalis. A quick run through a couple stores with no luck landed me walking into Ralph Lauren. Yes, I went in and actually bought a shirt. Not only did I buy a shirt, the lady steamed it for me, put it in a garment bag and left it on the nice wooden hanger. Talk about service, well worth the 20 bucks I paid for an 80 dollar shirt, right? Next was a run into the Hanes store for a four pack of boxer briefs and I was back on the road. 18 min total shopping stop (would have been under 10 if the steamer had already been hot), something I learned from my dad about shopping, Get in, get out. I5 southbound, still an hour to go.
I rolled into the marrying spot about 9 o'clock and was greeted with beer and friends, in no particular order. The place was pretty cool, even in the middle of no where. Andersen Lodge is a Swedish replica of what I presume is the Andersen's place in, well, Sweden. Huge log cabin type place with multiple patio's, eating areas inside and out, a tennis court, volleyball court, and a fire pit with a stage built out like an amphitheater. All of this under the shadow of Mt St Helen's, sounds sweet yeah? It really was a fun place to have our group of friends. Over the next few hours, car after car full of the crew arrived. With every car load, was another hug, another laugh, and hell, another fresh beer. I don't quite remember when the bright idea to start in on liquor occurred, but by 3:30 am, my bottle of Hendricks Gin was empty and I was the only one drinking it.
Saturday morning started late opposed to my normal weekend wake hour, 9:00 am. I remember rolling over to check the clock on my phone and expected to see 5 or 6 am, so seeing 9 was a welcome surprise. Rolled out of bed and hit about 6 straight cups of Folgers out of last nights rocks glass, felt like college all over again, but in a good way. Much to my delight (yeah, I said it 'DELIGHT'), little by little, my crew of hardcore party people were all coming out of the same slumber ready to start all over again. There was talk of a liquor store run, but no one really felt up to the hour plus round trip, and of course, it's not like any of us came unprepared, we're all professionals here. By 11 we were all jumping into various cars; backpacks and coolers full of adult beverages, and heading to the lake. I have no idea what the name of this lake is, but can tell you that a state run park where alcohol is prohibited, is going to need more than an 80 year old in a golf cart to catch us being sneaky, like I said, we're pro's at this! We all hung out at the beach for a few hours, roasting in the sun, jumping in the arctic temperature water, pounding beers and pounding fists, laughing like kids. Something about being out of town together, with little responsibility directly in front of us, that takes me back to when I started this lifelong friendship with these folks. 15 years later, give or take, we're still as much fun as ever, despite the changes in many of our lives.
By 1:30, it was time for a nap. While I'm not sure I ever really feel asleep (Graham would dispute that I hadn't slept, apparently he was going to recreate the 'Cheesy Poof's Incident'), I did finally get out of my bed around 3:00. The wedding was starting at 4:00. A quick run down to the shower room in a towel and my bathroom bag through the Swedish lodge and into the smallest shower ever, complete with the coldest water that has ever been blasted across my body. Was worried someone might lose an eye at any moment if a nipple shot off, i kept my head down. Got the clothes together and knew better than to get dressed right away since the 90 degree air temp meant that inside the lodge it had to be another 10 degrees warmer, no sense in putting on pants. Plus, walking around in a towel and a tank top helped keep the college theme present (tried to influence a Toga theme for the ceremony but got overruled). By 3:55 I was dressed, wool sport coat and all, feeling good, ready to watch some great people get married.
Ceremony was short and sweet, Brooke looked amazing and Brent didn't let the nerves get the best of him. Our friend Jessica officiated over the nuptials, and I think she was more nervous than anyone. "I Do's" over, it's time to party.
Of course there was apps and dinner and drinking, great toasts and good tears. It was a really fun wedding. The rest of the night was as crazy as the previous, maybe more so. I'll spare the details here as I really am trying to maintain this stellar innocent reputation I know I'm regarded for. I don't know everything that happened, but I did hear about a broken arm bathroom incident, an axe landed in the bonfire, and well, it was 4 am before I finally crawled into my bed.
I'm happy this weekend was as awesome as it was, I needed that. I really needed that, it's been a long time since I've let it all out, and I almost forgot about that part of me. I don't know how many times I had someone tell me they missed me or was so happy to have me there. That meant a lot and means more than I can spell out in words. I think Bethany got to witness that first site Friday night as we talked and of course one of us had to get all emotional. She helped wipe my tears so no one needed to see me looking like a baby, she's seriously one of the coolest women in the world and I am lucky to have her as such an amazing friend. I had a couple more conversations that went like that, even with my boys, who still hug it out right after someone gets choked, it's how it goes. I'm proud to have the people in my life, that mean so much to me, and value our friendship beyond what most people will ever know. I'm lucky, lucky as hell to have the type of support and love that these guys put out.
So, here's to you! May God bless us all with many more years to come where we can drink and dance like we're 20, and still show up to work on Monday. love you guys
Stay Blessed-
Friday afternoon I headed out to on the road for what should have been about a two hour drive to the middle of no where, at the base of Mt St Helen's. Forty five minutes into my drive, I was 13.8 miles from home. I don't know why there is always so much traffic near Ft. Lewis military base. I'm told it's not always like that, I guess I'm just lucky enough to consistently hit it when heading south. During my sit through bumper to bumper military traffic, I took a few minutes to run through what I had packed for the weekend. Next to me in my truck was everything one could possibly need on a short road trip; laptop, iPhone, directions, 2 cans of Carb Free Rockstar, and a powerbar, a super hot 16 oz Quad Skinny Mocha in the cup holder to boot. A/C blasting away as the outside temp approached 90, phone in hand trading text messages with friends, anything to pass the time of traffic. I shifted attention from the front seat to the extra cab of my truck and ran the mental inventory of what I had actually packed up. Suit, dress shoes, dress shirts, bathroom bag, sleeping bag, shorts, t-shirts, flip flops...and then it hit me. The 2 dress shirts I grabbed were both black, perfect for an outdoor wedding in the blazing sun, and the most important part of packing for a weekend of fun, I forgot underwear. How do you forget to pack drawls? Sorry mom, I know better, but the good news is, I immediately formed a contingency plan. My mom is quite the shopper, which kind of turned me into one as well. The minute I realized I had no drawls other than the ones I'd been sitting in for a full day of work and now resting my arse in traffic, and was in need of a suitable dress shirt for a wedding, I immediately remembered the factory outlet mall about 30 miles ahead in Chehalis. A quick run through a couple stores with no luck landed me walking into Ralph Lauren. Yes, I went in and actually bought a shirt. Not only did I buy a shirt, the lady steamed it for me, put it in a garment bag and left it on the nice wooden hanger. Talk about service, well worth the 20 bucks I paid for an 80 dollar shirt, right? Next was a run into the Hanes store for a four pack of boxer briefs and I was back on the road. 18 min total shopping stop (would have been under 10 if the steamer had already been hot), something I learned from my dad about shopping, Get in, get out. I5 southbound, still an hour to go.
I rolled into the marrying spot about 9 o'clock and was greeted with beer and friends, in no particular order. The place was pretty cool, even in the middle of no where. Andersen Lodge is a Swedish replica of what I presume is the Andersen's place in, well, Sweden. Huge log cabin type place with multiple patio's, eating areas inside and out, a tennis court, volleyball court, and a fire pit with a stage built out like an amphitheater. All of this under the shadow of Mt St Helen's, sounds sweet yeah? It really was a fun place to have our group of friends. Over the next few hours, car after car full of the crew arrived. With every car load, was another hug, another laugh, and hell, another fresh beer. I don't quite remember when the bright idea to start in on liquor occurred, but by 3:30 am, my bottle of Hendricks Gin was empty and I was the only one drinking it.
Saturday morning started late opposed to my normal weekend wake hour, 9:00 am. I remember rolling over to check the clock on my phone and expected to see 5 or 6 am, so seeing 9 was a welcome surprise. Rolled out of bed and hit about 6 straight cups of Folgers out of last nights rocks glass, felt like college all over again, but in a good way. Much to my delight (yeah, I said it 'DELIGHT'), little by little, my crew of hardcore party people were all coming out of the same slumber ready to start all over again. There was talk of a liquor store run, but no one really felt up to the hour plus round trip, and of course, it's not like any of us came unprepared, we're all professionals here. By 11 we were all jumping into various cars; backpacks and coolers full of adult beverages, and heading to the lake. I have no idea what the name of this lake is, but can tell you that a state run park where alcohol is prohibited, is going to need more than an 80 year old in a golf cart to catch us being sneaky, like I said, we're pro's at this! We all hung out at the beach for a few hours, roasting in the sun, jumping in the arctic temperature water, pounding beers and pounding fists, laughing like kids. Something about being out of town together, with little responsibility directly in front of us, that takes me back to when I started this lifelong friendship with these folks. 15 years later, give or take, we're still as much fun as ever, despite the changes in many of our lives.
By 1:30, it was time for a nap. While I'm not sure I ever really feel asleep (Graham would dispute that I hadn't slept, apparently he was going to recreate the 'Cheesy Poof's Incident'), I did finally get out of my bed around 3:00. The wedding was starting at 4:00. A quick run down to the shower room in a towel and my bathroom bag through the Swedish lodge and into the smallest shower ever, complete with the coldest water that has ever been blasted across my body. Was worried someone might lose an eye at any moment if a nipple shot off, i kept my head down. Got the clothes together and knew better than to get dressed right away since the 90 degree air temp meant that inside the lodge it had to be another 10 degrees warmer, no sense in putting on pants. Plus, walking around in a towel and a tank top helped keep the college theme present (tried to influence a Toga theme for the ceremony but got overruled). By 3:55 I was dressed, wool sport coat and all, feeling good, ready to watch some great people get married.
Ceremony was short and sweet, Brooke looked amazing and Brent didn't let the nerves get the best of him. Our friend Jessica officiated over the nuptials, and I think she was more nervous than anyone. "I Do's" over, it's time to party.
Of course there was apps and dinner and drinking, great toasts and good tears. It was a really fun wedding. The rest of the night was as crazy as the previous, maybe more so. I'll spare the details here as I really am trying to maintain this stellar innocent reputation I know I'm regarded for. I don't know everything that happened, but I did hear about a broken arm bathroom incident, an axe landed in the bonfire, and well, it was 4 am before I finally crawled into my bed.
I'm happy this weekend was as awesome as it was, I needed that. I really needed that, it's been a long time since I've let it all out, and I almost forgot about that part of me. I don't know how many times I had someone tell me they missed me or was so happy to have me there. That meant a lot and means more than I can spell out in words. I think Bethany got to witness that first site Friday night as we talked and of course one of us had to get all emotional. She helped wipe my tears so no one needed to see me looking like a baby, she's seriously one of the coolest women in the world and I am lucky to have her as such an amazing friend. I had a couple more conversations that went like that, even with my boys, who still hug it out right after someone gets choked, it's how it goes. I'm proud to have the people in my life, that mean so much to me, and value our friendship beyond what most people will ever know. I'm lucky, lucky as hell to have the type of support and love that these guys put out.
So, here's to you! May God bless us all with many more years to come where we can drink and dance like we're 20, and still show up to work on Monday. love you guys
Stay Blessed-
Friday, July 17, 2009
Enough for now
Today started like every day, hitting snooze on the alarm 2 or 3 times, dog getting sick of me jumping out and crawling back in. She's funny, all sprawled out under the comforter huffing and snorting as I re enter my nice warm spot she tried to take up occupancy in as I made the alarm clock dive to postpone the inevitable. I keep wondering if I'll ever grow up to be the person who is stoked for the morning and hit's the ground chipper. But who am I kidding, why would anyone in their right mind be stoked that the morning is here, except to thank God for yet another day of living. I can dig that part, I am thankful 99.99% of the time for another day of this life.
Mentally preparing for another unification this year, my great friends are tying the knot near Mt St Helen's Saturday and it's about a 2 hour journey from my current residence in B-E-A-utiful Fife. I'm looking forward to the solo journey down there, giving my head some time to think (as if I needed anymore time) and jam out to whatever comes across the stereo. These are trips where having satellite radio makes all the difference in the world. 100's of channels at your fingertips with enough music to quench even a seasoned pallet of impeccable musical taste. I didn't pack last night, so of course there's that to do, as well as taking the Bean to the house and emptying the garbage before leaving for 3 days... last nights meat packing might not be smelling too hot after a weekend in what effectively will be a sauna once I close all the windows up. That thought in and of itself is making my stomach turn a little bit. There goes being hungry for lunch!
So yeah, I still have a few things to knock out before hitting the road, but I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with my family away from family. And since I have no where to drive home after, or any other responsibilities that require my sobriety tonight or the next, it's party Ryan time! Good sense and appropriateness be damned. That hasn't happened in a very long time and although I'm not a proponent of abusing alcohol, I promised I won't spill any...it'll all eventually be processed through my needy liver.
Stay blessed and enjoy your weekend, you know I will!
Mentally preparing for another unification this year, my great friends are tying the knot near Mt St Helen's Saturday and it's about a 2 hour journey from my current residence in B-E-A-utiful Fife. I'm looking forward to the solo journey down there, giving my head some time to think (as if I needed anymore time) and jam out to whatever comes across the stereo. These are trips where having satellite radio makes all the difference in the world. 100's of channels at your fingertips with enough music to quench even a seasoned pallet of impeccable musical taste. I didn't pack last night, so of course there's that to do, as well as taking the Bean to the house and emptying the garbage before leaving for 3 days... last nights meat packing might not be smelling too hot after a weekend in what effectively will be a sauna once I close all the windows up. That thought in and of itself is making my stomach turn a little bit. There goes being hungry for lunch!
So yeah, I still have a few things to knock out before hitting the road, but I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with my family away from family. And since I have no where to drive home after, or any other responsibilities that require my sobriety tonight or the next, it's party Ryan time! Good sense and appropriateness be damned. That hasn't happened in a very long time and although I'm not a proponent of abusing alcohol, I promised I won't spill any...it'll all eventually be processed through my needy liver.
Stay blessed and enjoy your weekend, you know I will!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
A view from the sidelines
So yesterday was a tough day, I can admit that. I have some good ones and some really bad ones. The balance between the two is fairly equal, although it seems like I have more good days than bad, but like all things, the bad ones are always more apparent and much easier to remember and write about. Yesterday I spent some time looking at what the triggers are, and for the life of me, I can't identify them, and you can be guaranteed that my therapist and I have some things to talk about and figure out, it's on my list for her to help me with. Knowing what it is that sets me off on the wrong foot in the morning is paramount to moving forward with the life of Ryan. Yes, I'm in therapy and I have no qualms talking about it. I think it's one of the healthiest mental choices one can make for themselves. I'm not there because of a court order or as something I agreed to with anyone, except for myself. I know my limitations, and one that doesn't resolve itself is what goes on in this head and heart of mine. Does that make me weak? I don't think so, it's just the opposite, admiting you have shortcomings and need help overcoming those obstacles. Like the alcoholic that goes to a meeting for support, my therapist makes me think and talk outloud about things I don't necessarily want to openly talk about. I know what you're saying, "There's things you don't openly talk about?" and you're right, I will openly talk about anything. She just asks the questions that I haven't thought about, and she's candid in questions, no punches held back, she asks it like it is. It's actually surprised at times, her questions and our conversations. I'll stay out of the details, but she has been able to make me blush (can guys blush?) with a question or four as she sits back with the same look on her face that she has with any other question, like she isn't asking something rather personal that isn't a bit uncomfortable for the person being asked. It can be a very surreal experience at times to be sure.
I didn't intend to write about my therapy or anything connected to it today, except to say that I can acknowledge the good days and the bad days and I'm working my ass off to overcome the bad and live a life poised for 98% great and 2% ok. I do want to be happy all the time and I do want to be comfortable. Getting down the road to that destination takes preparation and fuel, therapy is one of the preparations that I require. I think there's plenty of other people in the world that could benefit from it as well, it just takes the additional preparation of finding that right person to confide in and build that trust, it can be a cool thing.
Weezer on the iPhone this morning, been spending my guitar lessons learning some good tricky rhythms and picking, many that come straight out of Weezer records. I've always dug this band; not flashy or over the top attention seekers. They just come out and say what they needed to say and play some kick ass music at the same time...oops, laptop battery about to poop out... guess I'm finishing this from the office...be right back...(7:38 am)
Ok, so that took a little more time than expected. It's now after 10 am, and I've been to a couple meetings already. Yet another busy day in the office, but not too busy to wrap today's piece up. It's amazing to me how many people are dealing with so many of the same things I'm dealing with right now. 1 friend of mine is super down and trying to figure out what to do after an injury is postponing his employment. Professional baseball players being sidelined for 5 weeks in a season with only 7 weeks remaining has got to be a heavy blow, and add to that living in a foreign country where no one speaks your language. I can only imagine that feeling of being alone and having life on pause. Another friend just sold the house they've been renovating and living in over the last few years. After the blood and sweat and love to make it a home, they had to sit back and watch the new owners take measurements and decide what furniture goes where.
Being replaced or sidelined has to be one of the toughest moments that we as humans can go through, regardless of the context of the situation. The length of that emotion can last a lifetime, or 5 weeks, again, depending on the context of the situation. I guess the game plan has to be to focus on the things that are great and focus on changing the ones that aren't. For me, I take the bench every morning and play the best role I can from the dugout, one day at a time. Some days I hate it, and other days, I simply sit back and smile and thank God for allowing me to even suit up.
Stay blessed-
I didn't intend to write about my therapy or anything connected to it today, except to say that I can acknowledge the good days and the bad days and I'm working my ass off to overcome the bad and live a life poised for 98% great and 2% ok. I do want to be happy all the time and I do want to be comfortable. Getting down the road to that destination takes preparation and fuel, therapy is one of the preparations that I require. I think there's plenty of other people in the world that could benefit from it as well, it just takes the additional preparation of finding that right person to confide in and build that trust, it can be a cool thing.
Weezer on the iPhone this morning, been spending my guitar lessons learning some good tricky rhythms and picking, many that come straight out of Weezer records. I've always dug this band; not flashy or over the top attention seekers. They just come out and say what they needed to say and play some kick ass music at the same time...oops, laptop battery about to poop out... guess I'm finishing this from the office...be right back...(7:38 am)
Ok, so that took a little more time than expected. It's now after 10 am, and I've been to a couple meetings already. Yet another busy day in the office, but not too busy to wrap today's piece up. It's amazing to me how many people are dealing with so many of the same things I'm dealing with right now. 1 friend of mine is super down and trying to figure out what to do after an injury is postponing his employment. Professional baseball players being sidelined for 5 weeks in a season with only 7 weeks remaining has got to be a heavy blow, and add to that living in a foreign country where no one speaks your language. I can only imagine that feeling of being alone and having life on pause. Another friend just sold the house they've been renovating and living in over the last few years. After the blood and sweat and love to make it a home, they had to sit back and watch the new owners take measurements and decide what furniture goes where.
Being replaced or sidelined has to be one of the toughest moments that we as humans can go through, regardless of the context of the situation. The length of that emotion can last a lifetime, or 5 weeks, again, depending on the context of the situation. I guess the game plan has to be to focus on the things that are great and focus on changing the ones that aren't. For me, I take the bench every morning and play the best role I can from the dugout, one day at a time. Some days I hate it, and other days, I simply sit back and smile and thank God for allowing me to even suit up.
Stay blessed-
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Le bonheur est juste en dehors de ma fenêtre
Being a romantic sucks, it really does. There's this picture in my head of how I want things to be, and it's just sitting on pause, a button push away from being deleted off the DVR connected to my life. It just sucks, today is one of those days where smiling and redirecting my attention keeps leading me back to the corner of Main and A Street, where the future looked so much different from this reality. I'm sorry there's no witty story or humor today in this post, it's just not there. What is, is the simple fact that I feel destroyed inside as the tears keep welling up behind these brown eyes as I sit in my dark office trying to maintain some picture of leadership while holding on tight to my humanity. That part of me that is grieving and remembering a life less confusing and tortured. Yes, I am tormented by the past, the mistakes that in hind site may have been what truly wasn't right about all of it, and I can't help wondering about the what if's, the pieces that looked like they fit and felt just right. And yet, I'm sitting here, alone, naked and scared with my heart on a wire. Did they fit, they sure felt like it. So maybe in my romantic rose colored glasses, I'm really just delusional and instead of seeing things for what they are, I turn them into what fits for me... Damn this all, take this all away is what I'm screaming inside this body today, cause it hurts more than I've wanted to admit and it's breaking me down. I don't want to be a pessimist, don't want to become hopeless, resentful and hurtful. I want to be the greatest version of me, the man that smiles because he means it, hugs because he needs it and loves because there's no life without it. Today I am sad despite my attempts to move past it. I could really use a hug...
And like all music in my life, 'Happiness' by The Fray just hit my ears. How timely right? Guess there's a reason for the genius playlists in iTunes...I probably wouldn't have added this song on it's own
Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?
Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good
Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks
Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar
Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home
Stay blessed-
And like all music in my life, 'Happiness' by The Fray just hit my ears. How timely right? Guess there's a reason for the genius playlists in iTunes...I probably wouldn't have added this song on it's own
Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?
Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good
Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks
Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar
Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home
Stay blessed-
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Lotion for face, Pomeade for Hair
Have my headphones today, thankfully one painfully quiet day without music was enough to trigger the mental reminder to throw them into my bag before heading to bed last night. Bed time came late, such a surprise. I had ever intention to hit the sack around 10:00 when lo and behold, it was more like 11:30 when my head hit the pillow with Bean snuggled in tight to my side. 5:15 am the alarm went off and I snoozed it just long enough to realize that damn, it's morning already! Another day, another opportunity to be something, be someone, or be something to someone. I never know what that something is going to be or who that someone is, but it's a shot, right? Maybe be something to me? So Adam Duritz sings his melancholy in my ears this morning against beautiful melodies of fiddles and pianos and guitars and I'm always surprised to hear these songs and layers within the music that I hadn't recognized before. Started off the play list with "insignificant" off the 'Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings' album which speaks to a topic none of us want to face. "I don't wanna feel so different but I don't wanna be insignificant" and I know that feeling all too well. Want to remain in this place of inspiration and hurt, but don't want to die knowing I didn't leave my mark. Scary thought, right?
So, as I ran through my morning routine, pre-coffee, pre-awake really, I powered through trying to beat the clock and knowing how quickly I needed to get my ass out the door. Shower, towel, deodorant, drawls, pants, shirt; so far so good. Toothpaste on toothbrush, 45 seconds per quadrant, done. Reached back into the drawer, toothpaste and deodorant dropped back in, pulled out the face lotion and pomade. Lotion in hand, hands in hair, rubbed it in good. Pomade fingered out of the canister, rubbed into my hands, hands to the face, rub in nice and deep...Wait, what the hell did I just do! Yeah, I did it, in my haste to hurry things up, and I can honestly say it's the first time I've ever done it, and let me tell you first hand, pomade is not a moisturizing agent. So there I am, hair looking like some kind of amazing and gooey sticky paste on my face, I so wish I had a picture for posterity. Bean just sat on the floor staring, I know deep down that could she have said something, she would have been cackling like Marge Simpson's twin sisters. I did have a quick laugh and got to fixing my error. 10 minutes and a whole lot of scrubbing later, I was out the door to the train station...talk about my life in a snapshot. Somethings have to be in the right place or else disaster ensues.
Question of the day (Pre-Pomade Incident): How can an introvert truly be lonely alone? In college I took the Myers-Briggs assessment, which is a psychometric questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions(Thanks Wiki). Believe it or not, and I do agree for the most part, I am an introvert. I get energy from being to myself and really am not comfortable in huge crowds. I'm more of an intimate scene kind of guy, a few close friends always preferred to a house party, chill bar or pub over a club. It's not to say I wouldn't go to either, just not my real cup of tee, and probably a good reason my circle of friends hasn't grown year after year. Back to the question though, how is it that in my isolation, where I should thrive, can I be this lonely? I know the obvious answers, but that's not what I'm asking. Where is the motivation I seek to escape this boredom? Oh yeah, I'm finding alone time super boring and a bit aggravating. Is this stir crazy cabin fever I'm approaching?
I tried smiling more yesterday, my day flew by, and I guess it did feel better than it had over previous days. I still feel like a cannon ball shot through the air, trying to learn to fly without the pin point accuracy of a missile and not knowing my target or trajectory. It's scary, not knowing what's next and the risk taker is burrowing his head in the sand, too afraid to see the results.
Damian Rice in the ears now, angry bitter Irish man who so eloquently and beautifully sings words that often pour out of my heart and my eyes "So it's not hard to fall, when you float like a cannonball". I'll keep trying to smile today, especially with the lotion and pomade in the correct places.
Stay blessed
So, as I ran through my morning routine, pre-coffee, pre-awake really, I powered through trying to beat the clock and knowing how quickly I needed to get my ass out the door. Shower, towel, deodorant, drawls, pants, shirt; so far so good. Toothpaste on toothbrush, 45 seconds per quadrant, done. Reached back into the drawer, toothpaste and deodorant dropped back in, pulled out the face lotion and pomade. Lotion in hand, hands in hair, rubbed it in good. Pomade fingered out of the canister, rubbed into my hands, hands to the face, rub in nice and deep...Wait, what the hell did I just do! Yeah, I did it, in my haste to hurry things up, and I can honestly say it's the first time I've ever done it, and let me tell you first hand, pomade is not a moisturizing agent. So there I am, hair looking like some kind of amazing and gooey sticky paste on my face, I so wish I had a picture for posterity. Bean just sat on the floor staring, I know deep down that could she have said something, she would have been cackling like Marge Simpson's twin sisters. I did have a quick laugh and got to fixing my error. 10 minutes and a whole lot of scrubbing later, I was out the door to the train station...talk about my life in a snapshot. Somethings have to be in the right place or else disaster ensues.
Question of the day (Pre-Pomade Incident): How can an introvert truly be lonely alone? In college I took the Myers-Briggs assessment, which is a psychometric questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions(Thanks Wiki). Believe it or not, and I do agree for the most part, I am an introvert. I get energy from being to myself and really am not comfortable in huge crowds. I'm more of an intimate scene kind of guy, a few close friends always preferred to a house party, chill bar or pub over a club. It's not to say I wouldn't go to either, just not my real cup of tee, and probably a good reason my circle of friends hasn't grown year after year. Back to the question though, how is it that in my isolation, where I should thrive, can I be this lonely? I know the obvious answers, but that's not what I'm asking. Where is the motivation I seek to escape this boredom? Oh yeah, I'm finding alone time super boring and a bit aggravating. Is this stir crazy cabin fever I'm approaching?
I tried smiling more yesterday, my day flew by, and I guess it did feel better than it had over previous days. I still feel like a cannon ball shot through the air, trying to learn to fly without the pin point accuracy of a missile and not knowing my target or trajectory. It's scary, not knowing what's next and the risk taker is burrowing his head in the sand, too afraid to see the results.
Damian Rice in the ears now, angry bitter Irish man who so eloquently and beautifully sings words that often pour out of my heart and my eyes "So it's not hard to fall, when you float like a cannonball". I'll keep trying to smile today, especially with the lotion and pomade in the correct places.
Stay blessed
Monday, July 13, 2009
Lundi sanglant, heure de sourire
Mondays, ugg. That means the week is here whether I want it to be or not. I really don't want it to be here already, can I have my Sunday back, please? yes, I'm whining a little. This week is going to be hectic, (UAT kicking off again on my project) too many things to accomplish or just get done, and well, I don't want to. I'm ready for the weekend already and there's 5 days of business first. Nonsense I tell you!
Got to the train station this morning and went into a slow panic as I realized I didn't have a set of headphones. Most days, there's at least 3 pair, today there are none. I know exactly where they are in my place too. The main iPhone headphones are sitting on my desk since I needed to sit on a few conference calls Friday, my big dogs are sitting in the kitchen, where they have been since I moved into the place and the 3rd pair are where they always are in case I forget one of the other two pair; in my other laptop bag that I haven't been using since I replaced it with this Ogio pack... Crap, no music on the iPhone to discuss today. Guess you'll have to come up with your own download of the day, but if you were waiting on my suggestion, check out any Van Morrison, Counting Crows or Michael Franti and Spearhead. That sounds about like what I would be listening to on this cold, wet, dark July Monday morning. Plus, I'm getting revved up for the Counting Crows show at Marymoore Thursday night. You haven't lived in the purity of music until you see CC live, especially this tour with Michael Franti and Augustana. From what I've heard, there is no true spot for the bands, they are winging it at every show, doing songs all together, songs just as a band and intermingling through 3 separate dare I say, "jam sessions"! Should be an amazing night, much like every CC show. I'm a nerd, I follow Adam Duritz on Twitter (http://twitter.com/countingcrows) and his updates are funny as all get down.
I haven't written in a few days now, mostly cause I've been lazy, but mainly because I was getting sick of talking. Talking about my depression, about my current situation and reading back over it was making me feel like all I do here is whine and commiserate, and that is not who I am. I've spent so much time thinking about being miserable and lost and alone, that I've not done justice to the awesomeness that is me. Ok, that's a stretch, I'm only kind of awesome, most of the time. Seriously though, I've been selling it short, mailing it in. We all (most of us, usually not so publicly) do that when we're hurt and feeling bad, and that's ok from time to time I guess, but it cannot become who we are and what we are all about. It's not good for anyone. I do believe that bad energy begets bad energy, meaning if you walk around every day feeling sorry for yourself and you carry this angst and hurt with you, you'll only attract more of that. Unless you live on the corner of nowhere and BFE, like I do, than you just hang out by yourself wishing you were somewhere else or someone else. I can say, that putting it all out there in this forum has led me to understand some things that I probably wouldn't have had I not. I'm surprised by how many other people are going through these same things, these disappointments, these life style changes, these same losses. It's sickly comforting to know I'm not the only one, but it really sucks that so many people are feeling the way I am. I will say this now, I do not want to be the flag waiver for the cause, the poster boy for this pain.
Phone call, please hold...
So the train was really empty this morning so not having headphones wasn't a total blow to my senses. No chatter boxes to annoy me and I think in the 10 months I've been commuting into the city every day, this is the first time I've walked through downtown listening to the city. Lots of sounds as I walked through construction at 2nd Ave and Seneca, forced into a single walking path surrounded my multiple smokers. Why is it that smokers look so sad in the morning? Except for this one girl I pass every morning at the bottom of the stairs heading down to the water on Alaskan Way, she's always smiling as she texts away, oblivious to the world around her, reminds me of my old roommate Chanda, always smiling. I'm going to smile more this week, even if I have to fake it.
Stay Blessed-
Got to the train station this morning and went into a slow panic as I realized I didn't have a set of headphones. Most days, there's at least 3 pair, today there are none. I know exactly where they are in my place too. The main iPhone headphones are sitting on my desk since I needed to sit on a few conference calls Friday, my big dogs are sitting in the kitchen, where they have been since I moved into the place and the 3rd pair are where they always are in case I forget one of the other two pair; in my other laptop bag that I haven't been using since I replaced it with this Ogio pack... Crap, no music on the iPhone to discuss today. Guess you'll have to come up with your own download of the day, but if you were waiting on my suggestion, check out any Van Morrison, Counting Crows or Michael Franti and Spearhead. That sounds about like what I would be listening to on this cold, wet, dark July Monday morning. Plus, I'm getting revved up for the Counting Crows show at Marymoore Thursday night. You haven't lived in the purity of music until you see CC live, especially this tour with Michael Franti and Augustana. From what I've heard, there is no true spot for the bands, they are winging it at every show, doing songs all together, songs just as a band and intermingling through 3 separate dare I say, "jam sessions"! Should be an amazing night, much like every CC show. I'm a nerd, I follow Adam Duritz on Twitter (http://twitter.com/countingcrows) and his updates are funny as all get down.
I haven't written in a few days now, mostly cause I've been lazy, but mainly because I was getting sick of talking. Talking about my depression, about my current situation and reading back over it was making me feel like all I do here is whine and commiserate, and that is not who I am. I've spent so much time thinking about being miserable and lost and alone, that I've not done justice to the awesomeness that is me. Ok, that's a stretch, I'm only kind of awesome, most of the time. Seriously though, I've been selling it short, mailing it in. We all (most of us, usually not so publicly) do that when we're hurt and feeling bad, and that's ok from time to time I guess, but it cannot become who we are and what we are all about. It's not good for anyone. I do believe that bad energy begets bad energy, meaning if you walk around every day feeling sorry for yourself and you carry this angst and hurt with you, you'll only attract more of that. Unless you live on the corner of nowhere and BFE, like I do, than you just hang out by yourself wishing you were somewhere else or someone else. I can say, that putting it all out there in this forum has led me to understand some things that I probably wouldn't have had I not. I'm surprised by how many other people are going through these same things, these disappointments, these life style changes, these same losses. It's sickly comforting to know I'm not the only one, but it really sucks that so many people are feeling the way I am. I will say this now, I do not want to be the flag waiver for the cause, the poster boy for this pain.
Phone call, please hold...
So the train was really empty this morning so not having headphones wasn't a total blow to my senses. No chatter boxes to annoy me and I think in the 10 months I've been commuting into the city every day, this is the first time I've walked through downtown listening to the city. Lots of sounds as I walked through construction at 2nd Ave and Seneca, forced into a single walking path surrounded my multiple smokers. Why is it that smokers look so sad in the morning? Except for this one girl I pass every morning at the bottom of the stairs heading down to the water on Alaskan Way, she's always smiling as she texts away, oblivious to the world around her, reminds me of my old roommate Chanda, always smiling. I'm going to smile more this week, even if I have to fake it.
Stay Blessed-
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Father Time
"It's easy to retreat than to face yourself and let things fall in place. There's no words to describe the way I feel today but I still feel ok" I think that sums up my Thursday Morning, here's to moving beyond OK!
Once again, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about things. Trust was a topic of conversation from the previous day and I realized that I trust too much, trust too often and trust too easy. But that's me, right? I'm not about to go changing that part of me. I'd rather believe everyone than face them thinking they're lying or using me for something. I have succumbed to the fact, as my dad used to tell me, "people will let you down" even when they don't want to or mean to. It's going to happen. For me, it's how you handle the let down, the disappointment. I want to forgive and forget as often as possible and if only I could do the same for myself, we'd (me, myself and I) be in business and I'd be sleeping more. I'm not sleeping anymore
So to trust is a heavy topic and one I hadn't truly considered in some time, it's something I just do. Now I know I've said it many times that I don't just go trusting anyone, which is true, I don't just trust everyone. In fact, I think a lot of people aren't too genuine at the surface and it takes some time to crack that shell, which I guess is part of the trust building process. Even I have admitted publicly here that I have plenty of masks and walls that I build up to keep that building from happening. The problem, if you can call it a problem, is once I open the door and let someone in, I think about when the ball is going to drop. When are they going to disappoint me or let me down. That's not trust, that's fear, and that fear has held me back from living the life and building the relationships that really mean something. Again, don't get me wrong, I have some amazing relationships with some of the most amazing people, friends that I call family. They get to see 100% of me, uncensored, no edits, no holds barred. They wouldn't have me any other way, well, at least most of the time. Those are the people I trust unconditionally and respect without boundaries. Getting me to put my guard down outside of that "circle of trust" (i.e. DeNiro) is not so easy, despite the fact that I don't necessarily mind getting punched in the face from time to time. But in all seriousness, it's not so easy and I am not too quick on the draw to just let anyone in.
How do I change that or better yet, should I even think about changing that part of me? Am I missing out on adding to my circle or sparing myself from the let down of disappointment? and in turn, missing out from getting closer to awesome people or reconnecting with old ones? I guess you have to weigh it out and I have never been one to not take a risk, even when you know it's gonna hurt like hell when you land. That's how I'm built, I'm just really tired of being let down and jaded by all of it and maybe my expectations are too high. Wouldn't be the first time I've had to admit that I expect a lot because I put out a lot. No, not in that context you're running through your head at the moment, go ahead, have yourself a laugh and then come back to this, I can wait... you done yet... ok seriously...
Anyway, that's probably enough from me now that I've turned the topic upside down. I want to trust me than ever this year, open up to a point that there's no question about my devotion to this life I'm living and have a shot at dealing with the blows and keep moving forward, regardless where that road leads. And I hope you will too, as one of my favorite songwriters, the late Shannon Hoon wrote, "When you feel your life ain't worth living you've got to stand up and take a look around you then a look way up to the sky. And when your deepest thoughts are broken, keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die."
"words and music, my only tools"
Stay blessed-
**Post Script**
I do realize I contradict myself all over this post, just goes to show you how my brain is functioning these days. There's pieces I want and others I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want...
Once again, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about things. Trust was a topic of conversation from the previous day and I realized that I trust too much, trust too often and trust too easy. But that's me, right? I'm not about to go changing that part of me. I'd rather believe everyone than face them thinking they're lying or using me for something. I have succumbed to the fact, as my dad used to tell me, "people will let you down" even when they don't want to or mean to. It's going to happen. For me, it's how you handle the let down, the disappointment. I want to forgive and forget as often as possible and if only I could do the same for myself, we'd (me, myself and I) be in business and I'd be sleeping more. I'm not sleeping anymore
So to trust is a heavy topic and one I hadn't truly considered in some time, it's something I just do. Now I know I've said it many times that I don't just go trusting anyone, which is true, I don't just trust everyone. In fact, I think a lot of people aren't too genuine at the surface and it takes some time to crack that shell, which I guess is part of the trust building process. Even I have admitted publicly here that I have plenty of masks and walls that I build up to keep that building from happening. The problem, if you can call it a problem, is once I open the door and let someone in, I think about when the ball is going to drop. When are they going to disappoint me or let me down. That's not trust, that's fear, and that fear has held me back from living the life and building the relationships that really mean something. Again, don't get me wrong, I have some amazing relationships with some of the most amazing people, friends that I call family. They get to see 100% of me, uncensored, no edits, no holds barred. They wouldn't have me any other way, well, at least most of the time. Those are the people I trust unconditionally and respect without boundaries. Getting me to put my guard down outside of that "circle of trust" (i.e. DeNiro) is not so easy, despite the fact that I don't necessarily mind getting punched in the face from time to time. But in all seriousness, it's not so easy and I am not too quick on the draw to just let anyone in.
How do I change that or better yet, should I even think about changing that part of me? Am I missing out on adding to my circle or sparing myself from the let down of disappointment? and in turn, missing out from getting closer to awesome people or reconnecting with old ones? I guess you have to weigh it out and I have never been one to not take a risk, even when you know it's gonna hurt like hell when you land. That's how I'm built, I'm just really tired of being let down and jaded by all of it and maybe my expectations are too high. Wouldn't be the first time I've had to admit that I expect a lot because I put out a lot. No, not in that context you're running through your head at the moment, go ahead, have yourself a laugh and then come back to this, I can wait... you done yet... ok seriously...
Anyway, that's probably enough from me now that I've turned the topic upside down. I want to trust me than ever this year, open up to a point that there's no question about my devotion to this life I'm living and have a shot at dealing with the blows and keep moving forward, regardless where that road leads. And I hope you will too, as one of my favorite songwriters, the late Shannon Hoon wrote, "When you feel your life ain't worth living you've got to stand up and take a look around you then a look way up to the sky. And when your deepest thoughts are broken, keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die."
"words and music, my only tools"
Stay blessed-
**Post Script**
I do realize I contradict myself all over this post, just goes to show you how my brain is functioning these days. There's pieces I want and others I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want...
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Cover Me
The iPod is full of new stuff this morning. New in the sense that I haven't listened to some of this stuff in years, and some I barely know. The Fray is on right now, but another band is heavy in my chest this morning. Kaiser Mansfield is a band from the early 90's that I'm sure still plays to this day. If you're a big fan of blues gospel/southern rock, they are worth the listen. As you well know, I've spent a lot (maybe too much) time thinking about life and love and those that have come and gone too early in my life. I struggle with death and life and letting go of things that are beyond my control and comprehension. I've said for a long time that I am not afraid of dying, it's going to happen someday, it's inevitable. At this age, I'm not ready, there's too much living still to be done, and there's another life that is counting on me living it with him. There's no truer moment than hearing that laugh or that cry in the dark during the early hours of the morning. He needs me almost as much as I need him.
Back to Kaiser Mansfield, the song below is one of those that from the first time I heard it back in high school to today, has the same defining impact on me. I am not the man I know I can be everyday and I am not the witness I know I should be. My faith has never defined me, but driven me to make impactful choices and show compassion in a world lacking both. And when I'm at my deepest darkest moment, my knees and my heart know where the conversation starts. I really am a long long way from my home, but until I get there, I'm going to live it because of grace and sacrifice for me.
Long Way from My Home
Tonight I am missin' you
Oh, tonight I am missin' you
In the light of day
I had lost my way
An' tonight I am missing you
Never thought I would come this far
I never thought I would come this far
I have come through such pain
in the strenth of your Name
Never thought I would come this far
I am a long. long way from my home
I am a long, long way from my home
I've been a pilgrim on this earth
since the day of my birth
I'm a long way from my home
Tonight I'm sittin' on this porch in the rain
Tonight I'm sittin' on this porch in the rain
But Hallelujah by and by
I will meet you in the sky
I'm still a long, long way from home
Stay Blessed all-
Back to Kaiser Mansfield, the song below is one of those that from the first time I heard it back in high school to today, has the same defining impact on me. I am not the man I know I can be everyday and I am not the witness I know I should be. My faith has never defined me, but driven me to make impactful choices and show compassion in a world lacking both. And when I'm at my deepest darkest moment, my knees and my heart know where the conversation starts. I really am a long long way from my home, but until I get there, I'm going to live it because of grace and sacrifice for me.
Long Way from My Home
Tonight I am missin' you
Oh, tonight I am missin' you
In the light of day
I had lost my way
An' tonight I am missing you
Never thought I would come this far
I never thought I would come this far
I have come through such pain
in the strenth of your Name
Never thought I would come this far
I am a long. long way from my home
I am a long, long way from my home
I've been a pilgrim on this earth
since the day of my birth
I'm a long way from my home
Tonight I'm sittin' on this porch in the rain
Tonight I'm sittin' on this porch in the rain
But Hallelujah by and by
I will meet you in the sky
I'm still a long, long way from home
Stay Blessed all-
Monday, July 06, 2009
The To Do: list
Well here we are, starting the work week again. It's been a nice few days to get things in line; hang out with my little man, hang with friends, take in some sun, pose for some pics, drink for the sake of drinking and watch the silly fireworks explode for hours all around me. I had a lot of time, as well to think, which can be a double edged sword. Solitary time scares me, alone with my head and my heart in my hands, with nothing but me. Casually that sounds like a great time, a space to be productive and enjoy this life. Reality is, it can be a nightmare. I swear sometimes I think I have some stoner A.D.D. where my brain goes 10,000 miles a minute and I have all these lists made of things to get to, and then I stall. Remain in the same place knowing I should be doing something on a "list". The examples range from simple everyday stuff like emptying the garbage or the dishwasher and rotating laundry to hitting the gym and picking up the phone to touch base with someone. My 'on demand' button was getting the best workout between the two of us.
The weekend came and went faster than I wanted it to, it always seems to work that way when you don't need it to. Spent the day at a small lake in the middle of nowhere, with a name like "Floating Feather" or something like that. Small lakes are always warmer early in the summer and this one was, on the money exactly what I needed. A whole lot of empty cans, some soothing herbs and a BBQ rounded out the day at the lake and a few of us headed back to the booming metropolis of Monroe to watch the fireworks. I'm stoked there's so many stupid people in the world willing to have their homes foreclosed on so that they can blow shit up for everyone's amusement. Personally, if it was my money going up in smoke like that, I'd force people to pay to watch, or make them close their eyes. Gotta pay to play, right? So there we sat, in lawn chairs, in the middle of the road of a cul-de-sac and stared at the sky. Any time a car came through, it was a replay of the street hockey scene from 'Wayne's World', "CAR", "Game On!" It was amusing to say the least, and made me feel 10 years old again. Doesn't everyone want to look at the sky with the same amazement of those years? I can only imagine what went through the head of Jackson as he watched in wonderment with his mom 100 miles away. Is there anything left in the universe that can make me feel that way again, amazed? I'll add that to my list of 'things to amaze me'. Any suggestions, don't hesitate to fire them my way.
That's the abbreviated version today, it was much more in depth and emotional and real than all of this. I'm guarded today and not wanting to keep up with the truth that lives in me through these words. Pain is supposed to be temporary so I know at some point this will be different, today it's not. It just isn't no matter how hard I work at changing that. That's on the list temporarily titled, 'Shit that has to Change'. Thanks to those of you who saw me through this last few days, once again you're my lifeline and rocks.
Stay Blessed
The weekend came and went faster than I wanted it to, it always seems to work that way when you don't need it to. Spent the day at a small lake in the middle of nowhere, with a name like "Floating Feather" or something like that. Small lakes are always warmer early in the summer and this one was, on the money exactly what I needed. A whole lot of empty cans, some soothing herbs and a BBQ rounded out the day at the lake and a few of us headed back to the booming metropolis of Monroe to watch the fireworks. I'm stoked there's so many stupid people in the world willing to have their homes foreclosed on so that they can blow shit up for everyone's amusement. Personally, if it was my money going up in smoke like that, I'd force people to pay to watch, or make them close their eyes. Gotta pay to play, right? So there we sat, in lawn chairs, in the middle of the road of a cul-de-sac and stared at the sky. Any time a car came through, it was a replay of the street hockey scene from 'Wayne's World', "CAR", "Game On!" It was amusing to say the least, and made me feel 10 years old again. Doesn't everyone want to look at the sky with the same amazement of those years? I can only imagine what went through the head of Jackson as he watched in wonderment with his mom 100 miles away. Is there anything left in the universe that can make me feel that way again, amazed? I'll add that to my list of 'things to amaze me'. Any suggestions, don't hesitate to fire them my way.
That's the abbreviated version today, it was much more in depth and emotional and real than all of this. I'm guarded today and not wanting to keep up with the truth that lives in me through these words. Pain is supposed to be temporary so I know at some point this will be different, today it's not. It just isn't no matter how hard I work at changing that. That's on the list temporarily titled, 'Shit that has to Change'. Thanks to those of you who saw me through this last few days, once again you're my lifeline and rocks.
Stay Blessed
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Bleeding for a Dream
I added the 'Truth Failed' Demo EP to my iPod this morning, haven't listened to it in a long time. I'm still convinced that we could have been an awesome band, one that played great music and had lyrics and content that spoke to what was going on internally in me. Of course, inner turmoil within the band ultimately was what hosed us. None the less, hearing it again feels like a missed opportunity to do something that meant something more than getting up everyday and coasting through the day to day, being. Over the last 6 weeks or so, I've probably started writing at least 12 or 15 new songs and I've been looking for the right people to do this with. My office is full of muscians and although I do everything to keep business and personal seperate, there might end up being some blurring of the lines if the right situation shows itself. I just know there's more to life than simply getting through it and right now I'm just a sideline participant with no voice other than this blog and a few status updates.
Fell asleep on the couch last night about 8:30 and finally hit my own bed solo about 11:30, plus a bean. Got some much needed sleep after a strenuous gutar lesson earlier in the evening. Finally feel like my picking is coming along. Not playing any solo shows anytime soon but if that is the path, so be it.
NonP hit the iTunes store yesterday and I am so stoked for them. There's nothing cooler than seeing your friends faces on a single and getting to hear them and even better, know that anyone in the world connecting to the iTunes store can see and hear them as well. If you're reading this and haven't gone and checked them out after 1 of my 100's of posts about them, please go check them out (www.myspace.com/nonp). Good stuff coming out of Orange County via the PacNW!
So it's Wednesday and I get to be blessed with Jackson the next 2 nights! It's a totaly different world for me when he's not present and although the opprtunity to do stuff for me when he's not there is an option, everyday gets harder. I don't want to turn this post into another display of my depression or sadness or loneliness, but that is what it is, alone. I'm still learning how to deal with my current state and thinking about the road ahead and not knowing what's coming or worse, what's not. I'd be a fool to not spend some time thinking about that though, and preparing for where either road can lead to. Is cautious optimism setting myself up for failure? That's the question I asked the face in the mirror this morning, no answer.
Stay blessed
Fell asleep on the couch last night about 8:30 and finally hit my own bed solo about 11:30, plus a bean. Got some much needed sleep after a strenuous gutar lesson earlier in the evening. Finally feel like my picking is coming along. Not playing any solo shows anytime soon but if that is the path, so be it.
NonP hit the iTunes store yesterday and I am so stoked for them. There's nothing cooler than seeing your friends faces on a single and getting to hear them and even better, know that anyone in the world connecting to the iTunes store can see and hear them as well. If you're reading this and haven't gone and checked them out after 1 of my 100's of posts about them, please go check them out (www.myspace.com/nonp). Good stuff coming out of Orange County via the PacNW!
So it's Wednesday and I get to be blessed with Jackson the next 2 nights! It's a totaly different world for me when he's not present and although the opprtunity to do stuff for me when he's not there is an option, everyday gets harder. I don't want to turn this post into another display of my depression or sadness or loneliness, but that is what it is, alone. I'm still learning how to deal with my current state and thinking about the road ahead and not knowing what's coming or worse, what's not. I'd be a fool to not spend some time thinking about that though, and preparing for where either road can lead to. Is cautious optimism setting myself up for failure? That's the question I asked the face in the mirror this morning, no answer.
Stay blessed
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