"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same" -Anonymous
I started writing about this 40 some odd weeks ago, knowing that no matter what I did, no matter what I tried to do, it would still be on my mind, pouring out of my fingers, running out of my eyes. I knew that I had hit a moment in my life that would forever be remembered. You know there are so many things in this world that mean very little and somehow we as people get so caught up in them. We can talk trash about anyone, argue about the smallest things, say hurtful things in the heat of the moment and for what? What does it all matter in the end?
I've been worrying about that a lot lately, "the end". I know in the last year I've written a few things a long those lines and maybe it's just my internal clock ticking a little louder each year, but I've honestly finally realized how precious this time is that I have. It took losing my closest friend to understand how much I've been afforded in this life of mine. Why do I spend time bitching and moaning about this and that? Why don't I take moments every day to just smell the air, feel the ever present NW Weather on my face? Why not just drive somewhere new, accidentally misses a turn and just go for awhile. Roll the windows down in the cold and just be thankful I'm here?
I've had a year to think about a lot of things and my words of wisdom are as follows:
- If you think it might hurt, do it. There is no reward sweeter than the one thing you risked everything for.
- There is nothing more important than your family and friends. Do your best to repay their support by being better to everyone else in your life.
- There is no shame in asking for help, there is always someone ready to listen. I've always got an ear if you need it. It's cheaper than what I pay my therapist.
- Don't be afraid to cry, it just feels better to let it out. Even I do it
- Let music into your heart and lead your soul, be open to anything, you may find beauty in the strangest of melodies.
- Love bigger than you ever have
- Never ever give in to the darkness
One of the many things I learned from Pat is one of the simplest thoughts that we all ignore far too often, "be sure to try something new every day. You never know when your last day will come." I pray that I have plenty of days to come, I still have a lot of things to do. Make sure you don't waste this time either, go do something. Go snow shoeing, skydiving, bungee jumping. Do something this weekend that you said you'd never do, that you were afraid to try. Remember, pain is temporary, glory is forever. I don't want to die wondering what if, so I'm going to do my damndest not to.
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
My Friends
Every morning at 6:30 am I get a little text message from MSN Horoscopes. Usually something random, sometimes right on the money, sometimes very stupid. I normally give them a once over, every once in a while just delete them. This past week, almost without question have had something very specific to say about something I had already been thinking about. Friday morning's said "The workout plan you are starting tonight is one you will stick to". I thought maybe someone was sharing my discussions with Jamie to the all seeing internet, as we had planned to begin working out daily that night! Whoa!! So, there is something to be said about my daily horoscope text message and application in my life.
Now, to the point of this blog today. This morning's text of insight read "Don't let friends slip away just because you haven't seen them lately". How timely this was. Over the last month I have dreaded February 28th. That is the day that 1 year ago I lost my best friend, my confidant, my brother. Still to this day, the pain I felt the day I found out hasn't gotten any better, the anger has not subsided, the loss I feel has not been replaced, nor could it. His life impacted me to an extent that I cannot portray in words, but his death can be seen on my face by simply mentioning his name. Day in and day out, there is not one that goes by without me thinking about him, his swagger, his confidence, his leadership, his smile, his love. The impact I feel, is felt by many of my and his closest friends. His death brought many of us together, just as he did while he was with us. Almost immediately following his death, many of us who hadn't spoken in years were suddenly together, talking, hugging, crying, remembering old times. It was an attribute I always wished I possesed, being able to simply bring people together because of you. Pat had that in life and in death, he showed us once again, he still had it.
Almost a year has gone by and many of those same people have lost touch again. I must admit that even I have let life get the best of me and take over from reaching out to those same friends, putting in a call, stopping by when I'm in town to say hello. I try to call Jared and Jr about once a month, usually hit their voice mail, but I try. I call Pat's mom whenever I can, usually hit her answering machine and I know she smiles when she hears me say hello. I talk with Tyra and my beautiful God Daughter at least 2 or 3 times a month. It's so hard not hearing back from them all though, not taking the initiative to call me or call me back. They never were really good at that anyway, but it's hard. It's hard to talk about how I feel with people who can only sympathize. My friends who have gone through life with him can get upset and angry along side with me, feel the same pain and share their stories and that grief with me. I need that, even nearly a year later I still need that.
I've found that there is certain music that sets this off in me. Last night while driving to Jamie's my ipod landed on a Counting Crows song. Pretty much anything off of "August and Everything After" can set me off down this Lonely Road of Grief and Pain. "Raining in Baltimore" nearly kills me everytime I hear it and I know I should just skip it, but it is that pain that tells me I'm still alive. I was told that "to remove the pain from death would be to remove the love from life" so in some comfort to me, I'm supposed to feel this way. But for how long? Are my friends feeling this as well?
Pride always keeps a man from crying on the phone with other men, but on this topic I don't care. I can cry to anyone about this, I want people to know what a great man is missing from this earth. I also want people to know how I feel about suicide and what it does to the people who are left here asking "why". If that stops someone from putting their friends and family through what my friends and I have gone through and continue to go through because of it.
So my friends, this is me trying to stay in touch, trying to tell you how I'm doing, what I'm thinking about. I love you all and miss talking to you. I'm sorry if I haven't picked up the phone enough, keep trying and start answering.
Now, to the point of this blog today. This morning's text of insight read "Don't let friends slip away just because you haven't seen them lately". How timely this was. Over the last month I have dreaded February 28th. That is the day that 1 year ago I lost my best friend, my confidant, my brother. Still to this day, the pain I felt the day I found out hasn't gotten any better, the anger has not subsided, the loss I feel has not been replaced, nor could it. His life impacted me to an extent that I cannot portray in words, but his death can be seen on my face by simply mentioning his name. Day in and day out, there is not one that goes by without me thinking about him, his swagger, his confidence, his leadership, his smile, his love. The impact I feel, is felt by many of my and his closest friends. His death brought many of us together, just as he did while he was with us. Almost immediately following his death, many of us who hadn't spoken in years were suddenly together, talking, hugging, crying, remembering old times. It was an attribute I always wished I possesed, being able to simply bring people together because of you. Pat had that in life and in death, he showed us once again, he still had it.
Almost a year has gone by and many of those same people have lost touch again. I must admit that even I have let life get the best of me and take over from reaching out to those same friends, putting in a call, stopping by when I'm in town to say hello. I try to call Jared and Jr about once a month, usually hit their voice mail, but I try. I call Pat's mom whenever I can, usually hit her answering machine and I know she smiles when she hears me say hello. I talk with Tyra and my beautiful God Daughter at least 2 or 3 times a month. It's so hard not hearing back from them all though, not taking the initiative to call me or call me back. They never were really good at that anyway, but it's hard. It's hard to talk about how I feel with people who can only sympathize. My friends who have gone through life with him can get upset and angry along side with me, feel the same pain and share their stories and that grief with me. I need that, even nearly a year later I still need that.
I've found that there is certain music that sets this off in me. Last night while driving to Jamie's my ipod landed on a Counting Crows song. Pretty much anything off of "August and Everything After" can set me off down this Lonely Road of Grief and Pain. "Raining in Baltimore" nearly kills me everytime I hear it and I know I should just skip it, but it is that pain that tells me I'm still alive. I was told that "to remove the pain from death would be to remove the love from life" so in some comfort to me, I'm supposed to feel this way. But for how long? Are my friends feeling this as well?
Pride always keeps a man from crying on the phone with other men, but on this topic I don't care. I can cry to anyone about this, I want people to know what a great man is missing from this earth. I also want people to know how I feel about suicide and what it does to the people who are left here asking "why". If that stops someone from putting their friends and family through what my friends and I have gone through and continue to go through because of it.
So my friends, this is me trying to stay in touch, trying to tell you how I'm doing, what I'm thinking about. I love you all and miss talking to you. I'm sorry if I haven't picked up the phone enough, keep trying and start answering.
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