My Friends

Every morning at 6:30 am I get a little text message from MSN Horoscopes. Usually something random, sometimes right on the money, sometimes very stupid. I normally give them a once over, every once in a while just delete them. This past week, almost without question have had something very specific to say about something I had already been thinking about. Friday morning's said "The workout plan you are starting tonight is one you will stick to". I thought maybe someone was sharing my discussions with Jamie to the all seeing internet, as we had planned to begin working out daily that night! Whoa!! So, there is something to be said about my daily horoscope text message and application in my life.

Now, to the point of this blog today. This morning's text of insight read "Don't let friends slip away just because you haven't seen them lately". How timely this was. Over the last month I have dreaded February 28th. That is the day that 1 year ago I lost my best friend, my confidant, my brother. Still to this day, the pain I felt the day I found out hasn't gotten any better, the anger has not subsided, the loss I feel has not been replaced, nor could it. His life impacted me to an extent that I cannot portray in words, but his death can be seen on my face by simply mentioning his name. Day in and day out, there is not one that goes by without me thinking about him, his swagger, his confidence, his leadership, his smile, his love. The impact I feel, is felt by many of my and his closest friends. His death brought many of us together, just as he did while he was with us. Almost immediately following his death, many of us who hadn't spoken in years were suddenly together, talking, hugging, crying, remembering old times. It was an attribute I always wished I possesed, being able to simply bring people together because of you. Pat had that in life and in death, he showed us once again, he still had it.

Almost a year has gone by and many of those same people have lost touch again. I must admit that even I have let life get the best of me and take over from reaching out to those same friends, putting in a call, stopping by when I'm in town to say hello. I try to call Jared and Jr about once a month, usually hit their voice mail, but I try. I call Pat's mom whenever I can, usually hit her answering machine and I know she smiles when she hears me say hello. I talk with Tyra and my beautiful God Daughter at least 2 or 3 times a month. It's so hard not hearing back from them all though, not taking the initiative to call me or call me back. They never were really good at that anyway, but it's hard. It's hard to talk about how I feel with people who can only sympathize. My friends who have gone through life with him can get upset and angry along side with me, feel the same pain and share their stories and that grief with me. I need that, even nearly a year later I still need that.

I've found that there is certain music that sets this off in me. Last night while driving to Jamie's my ipod landed on a Counting Crows song. Pretty much anything off of "August and Everything After" can set me off down this Lonely Road of Grief and Pain. "Raining in Baltimore" nearly kills me everytime I hear it and I know I should just skip it, but it is that pain that tells me I'm still alive. I was told that "to remove the pain from death would be to remove the love from life" so in some comfort to me, I'm supposed to feel this way. But for how long? Are my friends feeling this as well?

Pride always keeps a man from crying on the phone with other men, but on this topic I don't care. I can cry to anyone about this, I want people to know what a great man is missing from this earth. I also want people to know how I feel about suicide and what it does to the people who are left here asking "why". If that stops someone from putting their friends and family through what my friends and I have gone through and continue to go through because of it.

So my friends, this is me trying to stay in touch, trying to tell you how I'm doing, what I'm thinking about. I love you all and miss talking to you. I'm sorry if I haven't picked up the phone enough, keep trying and start answering.