**Yes, I'm a week behind** Read part 1 before attempting this piece...
Friday morning quickly turned into Saturday morning as the drinks went from a couple to much more than that, and as we made our way out of the final bar back to the car, my brother and his girlfriend made stop after stop on the street to talk with group after group of friends. I remember a time when I lived in that city, where I knew everyone. I couldn't go anywhere without running into someone I knew from high school or college or my life following those two points in time. I had that city wired and at the time it seemed a little annoying, never a time where I could just blend into the shadows of the summer night sky, and this time, I actually missed it a little bit. Just a little bit, not enough to lose sleep over it, but enough that I spent a few seconds writing about it. Out of one of the many groups of friends we passed through, we picked up an additional passenger, and oh boy was this one having a good time being who she was! I don't think I've ever heard a girl laugh as loud as this one did and she was entertaining to say the least, and getting her back to my brothers place couldn't happen fast enough for the safety of everyone else driving through West Boise at 2:30 in the morning. I dropped the kids off at my brothers truck, got back to my parents place, popped in on my sleeping monkey oblivious to the fact that his daddy had been out all night with good friends and would be waking up in just under 4 hours to take him to a photo shoot.
6:30 am came much quicker than I would have liked, but that's pretty much how it works when you say you'll be in bed by 11:30 and hit the pillow after 2:45. Despite the lack of sleep, we were up and out of the house by 7:30 and on our way to meet Kam for some outdoor, perfect lighting, picture taking with Jackson and I. Kam shot his baby photo's when he was about 3 months old in her home studio and this being a pretty major transitional period for him because of where Jamie and I are in our lives apart, I figured what better time to have some father-son pictures taken by one of my favorite local photographers in an outdoor setting. Jackson thought otherwise, as setup after setup, he wanted nothing to do with cooperating. If only toddlers understood money and what these types of things cost, they might appreciate it more. We worked like crazy to get him stoked about the situation, squeezing rubber chickens that made a sound that I imagine mimic a dying cow, tossed colored balls around to no avail, and even brought in his cousin Chloe for a few shots. It was all for not, he didn't care what we wanted to do, he wasn't doing anything he didn't want to do. In a weird way, despite how frustrated I felt, I was a little proud of him for sticking to his guns. If there's any trait that both his mother and I posses, it's that we are very stubborn and strong in our convictions, even if it is the difference between a good picture or wasted cash. Kam seems to think we got some great, albeit amazing, shots and I am so looking forward to seeing the fruits of the labor we performed with the dying chicken.
We all headed to breakfast from there at the world famous Ihop; my sister, mom, niece, Jackson and I. I don't think any of us particularly care for a single menu item, but it's almost become a tradition when I come into town, and it's very easy with toddlers (My dad might be the exception, he loves the "Rooty Tooty fresh and fruity". Still not sure what that all consists of but he always orders it). We did the breakfast thing and headed home to my folks place where I participated in a very long, much needed nap. I never get to nap anymore, but I always find time when I'm in Boise. Got up around 3 and took Jackson down to Black Cat Tattoo to see Sean and the guys, made a coffee run and headed out to Eagle.
I hadn't introduced Jackson to my grandmother, it had never been the right time or even a time when we had the time to visit. I hadn't been out there for more than a year and this time it just felt like it was something I needed to do. My grandmother is buried at Dry Creek Cemetery, set a top the Boise foothills overlooking Eagle and the valley on the old highway headed to Horseshoe Bend. It's a beautiful place, lots of trees and grass, well maintained. There's yet to be a time that I've driven onto that property where a giant lump doesn't begin to build up in my throat, and the damn holding back the tears doesn't spring a leak. Even as I write this, this morning, I feel the same physical effects. This visit wasn't any different, in fact, it was even harder than any time before to hold back the inevitable. Having my son present to see who helped make me the man I am today was really important to me, and although I know he has zero concept of where he was or what it meant to be in that place, I felt like it was something I needed to do. I could hear her laugh and see the pride in her face had she been standing there looking at him. I saw those smiles as a child every time she was near and heard those laughs as we played. I could feel that hug that only my grandma had, and I knew how much she would have loved him. For a moment, I could feel her there, looking down on me and Jackson and wanting to wipe away my tears as I spoke to her and explained to him who she was, and still is, in my life. It was a very hard thing for me to sit there in the grass with him in my lap talking to her and watching his hand brush away the fallen tree leaves and grass clippings on her headstone. Like I've said before, a day doesn't go by that she isn't present in my head and my heart, and now she's felt the touch of my son and I know how truly happy and proud she is.
OK, water works done for now. Chilled out at the folks place and watched some tele with the famdamily, ate some dinner (AWESOME lasagna straight from Costco, the BEST) and waited for my Dad to get home from work. I'd been in town almost 36+ hours at this point and still hadn't seen him. We hung for a little bit, my kid brother and his lady friend arrived and the 3 of us headed out for another night on the Boise Bar wagon. Now, unless you've drank (or drunk, depending on where you were drinking) in Boise, you really won't care about most of the bar names, but if you need a referral of places to visit, I'm your man. We started out at my old hang and met up with some very young old friends that I hadn't seen in almost 13 years, and it was awesome! I love having friends that no matter what happens in life, no matter how much things can change, you always pick up right where you left off, and this was no different. We continued from bar to bar to bar to bar, drink after drink and laugh after laugh and had a killer time. You could say we 'killed it' until long past last call, and although it was sad to have the night come to an end, the lives we've all shared throughout the years will continue to play in the sandbox together, and hopefully without a 13 year pause in between play dates.
The night out turned into morning much earlier than I wanted it to, but a crying toddler in the next room will do that to a guy. I brought Jackson into bed with me and a cup of milk and we snuggled as long as we possibly could. I NEEDED the extra 30 minutes, and from there the party began. 20 family members, a giant cake and some pulled pork and presents rounded out our final day in Boise at the folks place. My mom threw the kid an early birthday party with the whole family and boy did he make out. We actually had to take a second suitcase home with us and still didn't get everything back. He's pretty stoked on all the new toys and I'm stoked on all the new clothes. If he only knew that he's the best dressed kid in his daycare.
We were back at the airport by 6 pm, excited for another easy flight home and get back to the normal day to day, at least I was. I think Jackson had so much fun with his Nana and Papa and cousin Chloe, that he would gladly have stayed another week, as would I if I could be 2 years old again without a care in the world. Since that's not happening in my lifetime, I'm totally down to visit my home away from home a few days a year and reconnect with my old life and introduce it to my new one. Boise will always feel like an old pair of socks, that comfortable cotton that have walked a million miles with me and know me better than that new pair that hold on just a little snug and need time to expand and conform to me. There's nothing wrong with the new pair, as long as they get along with the old ones and someday can be worn as a mismatched pair.
I know I'm now a week behind on this little ditty and I'm gonna try like hell to get caught up. Especially since in the last week there has been so much change and chaos and just pure random awesomeness that I need to write about, or at least what I can write about. I'm all about protecting the innocent
Stay Blessed-
Monday, August 31, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
5, er 6 days, a trip and an opportunity *part 1*
I know there's a few people out there that have been waiting with baited breath for me to post here over the past few days. In fact, some have ever emailed, sent texts and IM'd me asking "When are you posting!" or something to that effect. Let me start with an apology for being so very far behind here, I had a hell of a weekend starting Thursday evening all the way through to Sunday evening and then Monday was a wash in attempting to even log into this little ditty. So, sorry for that, I didn't realize there were that many loyal followers, as I can see only 9 listed. Really need to work on upping that count...hmmm, marketing strategy and challenge?
So, I started writing this yesterday, Tuesday the 25th, and now that I'm on the train with 30 minutes to spare, I'm actually going to try and finish it. There's just so much to talk about in the last 5 days since my last post that I'm guaranteeing now that there's no way I can come close to covering it all, and as I caveat this reality, I realize I'm wasting time instead of getting into it. Here goes...
Thursday night following another long day of work in the dungeon, Jackson and I got back to the apartment around 6:30. Knowing that we had an early flight out the next morning, our military tactical approach to completing everything that needed to be done prior to leaving, went into effect. We walked in the door, Jackson ran straight to his room for two arms full of trucks and his monkey and came sprinting (litterally) back to the living room while I turned up some water in a pot in the kitchen. He made his way to the couch, arms still full at this point, and began the herculean task of getting up onto it without asking for help. One by one, race car after truck after duck, fell to the floor. With each loss from his arms began another attempt at getting up there. By the third try, yes I sat back and watched his effort, he started tossing each toy individually up onto the couch, making sure they were all retrievable once he finally got settled in. Now completed he turned to me with a huge satisfactory smile and said "Up?" and raised his arms. Looking my right in the eyes, he repeated his request for me to lift him up to the couch and I couldn't help but smile realizing he was tired of the failed attempts and really just wanted to be reunited with his valued toys. He needed my help. I walked over and simply asked, "Are you sure you can't do this one by yourself?" and with a quick tilt of the head as he thought about this question, at least I like to believe that's what he was doing, he turned back to the couch, threw both arms up onto the cushion, and began his assent. One little pull after pull, he decided to use the ottoman with his feet to help him finish the climb. One foot, then the other, pushing with his feet and pulling with his hands, he was finally up on the couch. I swear it was like watching the final 20 feet of a climbers assent at K2, he was pumped and smiling wide, and I cheered his victory like a baseball game. Jackson in his glory suddenly stopped smiling as he looked at the dark screen of the tv, turned his gaze back to me and said "Cars? Cars". Like any great parent (HA) I turned up the TV and pushed play on the DVD player, Pixar's "Cars" may never leave the DVD player again.
So the list continued from there; I got dinner done with relative ease, started the first of three loads of laundry, ran a bath for Jack, teeth brushed, sat on the potty, jammies, changed out laundry for load #2, read a book in a race car bed to my little man, argued about bed time, switched loads again (#3), went back to calm down my over-tired-crying for daddy- upset-now crying for mommy toddler (this went on past 10 pm), gave in to another sippie cup of milk (finally did the trick), folder laundry, packed 1 suitcase and whew...11:00 pm Thursday night and I think I can go to bed now. Bah, did I remember enough sippie cups? Diapers and Wipes for my carry on? Jackson's birth certificate? Movies for the plane ride? In my head the list kept getting longer and I started to kind of freak out a little bit. Remember, I'm not the guy who like to have to plan or get things organized. I'm usually running out the door, with a half packed backpack, just trying to make a flight and replace what I forgot when I get there. Can't do that with an infant, and so my 11:00 pm calm of getting to sleep turned into my head finally hitting the pillow at 12:30 am with an alarm set for 4:30 am and the thinking in my head that I'm probably going to oversleep... so now I can't sleep. I don't know exactly what time I finally fell asleep after worrying about oversleeping but out of the dark of the morning, my alarm hit the first beep and I jumped out of my skin and subsequently my bed, and hit the shower. Out the door by 5:15, we were on schedule and on our way.
The airport is always an interesting experience, it's never easy and it's never without some sort of hurdle to get over. This time was like every other time but actually not as stressful as expected it to be. Off site parking, jump in the shuttle with the stroller, 1 suitcase thingy on wheels, my laptop bag, a talking walking baby and his goldfish crackers. One of the first times I remember him being in a vehicle without a car seat and he was pretty stoked, getting to look out the window at all the lights and seeing airplanes taking off, one after the other. Out of the shuttle, into the stroller and making our way to the elevator. Pretty seamless at this point. Across the sky bridge and into the ticketing terminal, and there it was, the first sign of "oh shit"! The line for Southwest was around the corner from the counter and people were looking like they just might die waiting in this line. Even the people who had already printed boarding passes and just needed to check luggage were doing the "pee pee" dance, afraid to get out of line to use the restroom in fears they may never get through to their flight. Of course, I have my blackbelt in airport planning and we had just under 2 hours to make our flight. When we finally made it to the roped area of the ticket counter, there was a Southwest employee helping people get in the right lane. He took one look at Jackson relaxing and looked at me and said, "Is he a lap dog"? Really, did he just ask if my son was a lap dog? I hesitated for a moment, searching for the patience and the words that weren't going to keep me from making my flight. I looked him straight in the eyes and said calmly but irritated, "Excuse Me"? to which he replied, "is he a lap child"? and it finally hit me, he was asking if Jackson was sitting on my lap or have his own seat on our flight, not that I think it made any difference in what lane we were in to check in, but I realized how uptight I was that morning, not the calm and assertive mode I needed to be in. Near blow up averted, we finally got checked in and headed to the security checkpoint with 45 minutes until our flight was ready to leave. I'll spare you the details on the rest of the airport or flight or arrival at our destination, it was a cakewalk and fairly uninteresting.
By the way, that last paragraph and these subsequent words were written Thursday, yes, it's taking me 3 days to write this week. Not the norm but hell, it's been busy, and there's been so much going on both personally and professionally that staying on top of this piece has fallen down the priority chain.
So Friday in Boise is rad, there's so much to do and yet, it's one of the first times I've visited in a long time where I didn't feel stressed out to get things done. Very small agenda compared to most trips out of town and it all started with a tattoo appointment with my man Sean at Black Cat Tattoo at 4:00 pm. Sean started a piece on me last September, that for almost a year had been nothing more than an outline and shading on my left bicep. That's the problem with having one person you trust to work on you, living 8 hours a way by land or $200+ by air. Interestingly enough, there's no sea travel from Seattle to Boise, guess there's always the rail too though. Anyway, the previously mentioned outline originally took about 3 hours to do and this visit was just slightly short of that. From about 4:15 to just after 7:00 pm, Sean worked his genius as he added color after color to my FooDog, and there were no breaks. The bicep area is a damn fun place to get tattooed, and when I say fun, of course I'm being facetious cause it sucks! I though my legs were bad, but the inside bicep and most of that area are pretty gnarly, especially close to the armpit. When I left, my left arm was bruised in a few places and swollen from the hours of inking. I think I had a 21 inch python for a bicep on the left arm with the full 14 inches on the right... Yeah, it was pretty funny and the color is amazing. 6 days later and it's healing really fast. I think being somewhat tan before being tattooed helps speed up the healing process. I could be wrong and have no scientific evidence that this is the case but it seems to be the story, for me at least.
Got back to my folks house to find my son and mom in a trance while watching "Cars", almost incoherent to my return to the stable. We had a quick chat, I made some phone calls, changed my clothes, and went out the door for a "brief" night out with my brother and some very near and dear friends from back in the day. An early start means an early night, right? Good intentions often lead to the opposite when you hit the first bar at 8:30, and so this story goes. By 9:00 my friend and major league baseball pitcher, Rick, arrived at 'Opa' and I think we were already on our second round between my brother and his lady friend and I. Now Rick is a guy that everyone should have as a friend, he's straight up, like to party and has no problem telling you any story you want to hear, maybe even some you'd rather not hear, but at the end of the night, you're stoked you got to hang out and can't wait to do it again. He's also 6'6" which definitely makes you feel that much shorter when you're standing in at 5'11" on a pilates day. Over the next hour, friend after friend arrived on the patio of Opa and drinks came and came and came. We were all feeling pretty good as we made our way into the downtown Boise nightlife around 11:00 and I'm not entirely sure where we next but there were probably 3 or 4 more bars that we hit up before we heard last call at some place filled with babies. It was one of the first bars in recent memory where I felt old and creepy, being surrounded by kids barely 21 and looking around at guys much older than me, talking up a storm. Did I just mention I actually heard "last call" at this place... damn, there goes my early night and well, the whole idea that I wasn't drinking too much Friday night also went out the window when Rick showed up. Every time I turned around it seemed like he was either asking me what I wanted or was already handing me another giant something or other. I think the entire night cost me like 20 bucks as my over generous friend kept picking up tab after tab, makes me wish I had some Major League money, right? A huge thanks goes to Ricky, we had a killer night, met some cool new friends as we hoped from bar to bar, and we all made it home in one piece. Even Jo, who took a cab instead of letting me get him there. Probably the right call
So, that's all I can muster out right now, tomorrow will have Saturday and Sunday and all the rest, as there is plenty to tell but I know two things at this moment that are leading to this:
1- If it's too long, you'll never read it
2- I'm freaking tired of typing right now and if I start into Saturday, it'll be next week by the time I publish it.
And since this piece probably isn't as funny or witty as I think I normally am, you all might just stop reading it all together anyway, right?
Stay blessed and hydrated-
So, I started writing this yesterday, Tuesday the 25th, and now that I'm on the train with 30 minutes to spare, I'm actually going to try and finish it. There's just so much to talk about in the last 5 days since my last post that I'm guaranteeing now that there's no way I can come close to covering it all, and as I caveat this reality, I realize I'm wasting time instead of getting into it. Here goes...
Thursday night following another long day of work in the dungeon, Jackson and I got back to the apartment around 6:30. Knowing that we had an early flight out the next morning, our military tactical approach to completing everything that needed to be done prior to leaving, went into effect. We walked in the door, Jackson ran straight to his room for two arms full of trucks and his monkey and came sprinting (litterally) back to the living room while I turned up some water in a pot in the kitchen. He made his way to the couch, arms still full at this point, and began the herculean task of getting up onto it without asking for help. One by one, race car after truck after duck, fell to the floor. With each loss from his arms began another attempt at getting up there. By the third try, yes I sat back and watched his effort, he started tossing each toy individually up onto the couch, making sure they were all retrievable once he finally got settled in. Now completed he turned to me with a huge satisfactory smile and said "Up?" and raised his arms. Looking my right in the eyes, he repeated his request for me to lift him up to the couch and I couldn't help but smile realizing he was tired of the failed attempts and really just wanted to be reunited with his valued toys. He needed my help. I walked over and simply asked, "Are you sure you can't do this one by yourself?" and with a quick tilt of the head as he thought about this question, at least I like to believe that's what he was doing, he turned back to the couch, threw both arms up onto the cushion, and began his assent. One little pull after pull, he decided to use the ottoman with his feet to help him finish the climb. One foot, then the other, pushing with his feet and pulling with his hands, he was finally up on the couch. I swear it was like watching the final 20 feet of a climbers assent at K2, he was pumped and smiling wide, and I cheered his victory like a baseball game. Jackson in his glory suddenly stopped smiling as he looked at the dark screen of the tv, turned his gaze back to me and said "Cars? Cars". Like any great parent (HA) I turned up the TV and pushed play on the DVD player, Pixar's "Cars" may never leave the DVD player again.
So the list continued from there; I got dinner done with relative ease, started the first of three loads of laundry, ran a bath for Jack, teeth brushed, sat on the potty, jammies, changed out laundry for load #2, read a book in a race car bed to my little man, argued about bed time, switched loads again (#3), went back to calm down my over-tired-crying for daddy- upset-now crying for mommy toddler (this went on past 10 pm), gave in to another sippie cup of milk (finally did the trick), folder laundry, packed 1 suitcase and whew...11:00 pm Thursday night and I think I can go to bed now. Bah, did I remember enough sippie cups? Diapers and Wipes for my carry on? Jackson's birth certificate? Movies for the plane ride? In my head the list kept getting longer and I started to kind of freak out a little bit. Remember, I'm not the guy who like to have to plan or get things organized. I'm usually running out the door, with a half packed backpack, just trying to make a flight and replace what I forgot when I get there. Can't do that with an infant, and so my 11:00 pm calm of getting to sleep turned into my head finally hitting the pillow at 12:30 am with an alarm set for 4:30 am and the thinking in my head that I'm probably going to oversleep... so now I can't sleep. I don't know exactly what time I finally fell asleep after worrying about oversleeping but out of the dark of the morning, my alarm hit the first beep and I jumped out of my skin and subsequently my bed, and hit the shower. Out the door by 5:15, we were on schedule and on our way.
The airport is always an interesting experience, it's never easy and it's never without some sort of hurdle to get over. This time was like every other time but actually not as stressful as expected it to be. Off site parking, jump in the shuttle with the stroller, 1 suitcase thingy on wheels, my laptop bag, a talking walking baby and his goldfish crackers. One of the first times I remember him being in a vehicle without a car seat and he was pretty stoked, getting to look out the window at all the lights and seeing airplanes taking off, one after the other. Out of the shuttle, into the stroller and making our way to the elevator. Pretty seamless at this point. Across the sky bridge and into the ticketing terminal, and there it was, the first sign of "oh shit"! The line for Southwest was around the corner from the counter and people were looking like they just might die waiting in this line. Even the people who had already printed boarding passes and just needed to check luggage were doing the "pee pee" dance, afraid to get out of line to use the restroom in fears they may never get through to their flight. Of course, I have my blackbelt in airport planning and we had just under 2 hours to make our flight. When we finally made it to the roped area of the ticket counter, there was a Southwest employee helping people get in the right lane. He took one look at Jackson relaxing and looked at me and said, "Is he a lap dog"? Really, did he just ask if my son was a lap dog? I hesitated for a moment, searching for the patience and the words that weren't going to keep me from making my flight. I looked him straight in the eyes and said calmly but irritated, "Excuse Me"? to which he replied, "is he a lap child"? and it finally hit me, he was asking if Jackson was sitting on my lap or have his own seat on our flight, not that I think it made any difference in what lane we were in to check in, but I realized how uptight I was that morning, not the calm and assertive mode I needed to be in. Near blow up averted, we finally got checked in and headed to the security checkpoint with 45 minutes until our flight was ready to leave. I'll spare you the details on the rest of the airport or flight or arrival at our destination, it was a cakewalk and fairly uninteresting.
By the way, that last paragraph and these subsequent words were written Thursday, yes, it's taking me 3 days to write this week. Not the norm but hell, it's been busy, and there's been so much going on both personally and professionally that staying on top of this piece has fallen down the priority chain.
So Friday in Boise is rad, there's so much to do and yet, it's one of the first times I've visited in a long time where I didn't feel stressed out to get things done. Very small agenda compared to most trips out of town and it all started with a tattoo appointment with my man Sean at Black Cat Tattoo at 4:00 pm. Sean started a piece on me last September, that for almost a year had been nothing more than an outline and shading on my left bicep. That's the problem with having one person you trust to work on you, living 8 hours a way by land or $200+ by air. Interestingly enough, there's no sea travel from Seattle to Boise, guess there's always the rail too though. Anyway, the previously mentioned outline originally took about 3 hours to do and this visit was just slightly short of that. From about 4:15 to just after 7:00 pm, Sean worked his genius as he added color after color to my FooDog, and there were no breaks. The bicep area is a damn fun place to get tattooed, and when I say fun, of course I'm being facetious cause it sucks! I though my legs were bad, but the inside bicep and most of that area are pretty gnarly, especially close to the armpit. When I left, my left arm was bruised in a few places and swollen from the hours of inking. I think I had a 21 inch python for a bicep on the left arm with the full 14 inches on the right... Yeah, it was pretty funny and the color is amazing. 6 days later and it's healing really fast. I think being somewhat tan before being tattooed helps speed up the healing process. I could be wrong and have no scientific evidence that this is the case but it seems to be the story, for me at least.
Got back to my folks house to find my son and mom in a trance while watching "Cars", almost incoherent to my return to the stable. We had a quick chat, I made some phone calls, changed my clothes, and went out the door for a "brief" night out with my brother and some very near and dear friends from back in the day. An early start means an early night, right? Good intentions often lead to the opposite when you hit the first bar at 8:30, and so this story goes. By 9:00 my friend and major league baseball pitcher, Rick, arrived at 'Opa' and I think we were already on our second round between my brother and his lady friend and I. Now Rick is a guy that everyone should have as a friend, he's straight up, like to party and has no problem telling you any story you want to hear, maybe even some you'd rather not hear, but at the end of the night, you're stoked you got to hang out and can't wait to do it again. He's also 6'6" which definitely makes you feel that much shorter when you're standing in at 5'11" on a pilates day. Over the next hour, friend after friend arrived on the patio of Opa and drinks came and came and came. We were all feeling pretty good as we made our way into the downtown Boise nightlife around 11:00 and I'm not entirely sure where we next but there were probably 3 or 4 more bars that we hit up before we heard last call at some place filled with babies. It was one of the first bars in recent memory where I felt old and creepy, being surrounded by kids barely 21 and looking around at guys much older than me, talking up a storm. Did I just mention I actually heard "last call" at this place... damn, there goes my early night and well, the whole idea that I wasn't drinking too much Friday night also went out the window when Rick showed up. Every time I turned around it seemed like he was either asking me what I wanted or was already handing me another giant something or other. I think the entire night cost me like 20 bucks as my over generous friend kept picking up tab after tab, makes me wish I had some Major League money, right? A huge thanks goes to Ricky, we had a killer night, met some cool new friends as we hoped from bar to bar, and we all made it home in one piece. Even Jo, who took a cab instead of letting me get him there. Probably the right call
So, that's all I can muster out right now, tomorrow will have Saturday and Sunday and all the rest, as there is plenty to tell but I know two things at this moment that are leading to this:
1- If it's too long, you'll never read it
2- I'm freaking tired of typing right now and if I start into Saturday, it'll be next week by the time I publish it.
And since this piece probably isn't as funny or witty as I think I normally am, you all might just stop reading it all together anyway, right?
Stay blessed and hydrated-
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Dookie
It's the final day of my short work week and I couldn't be more relieved. The past few weeks have been some of the longest I've had in recent memory, and the hour after hour of non-stop go go go have led me to a point of near burnout. There's nothing intriguing about hitting bottom, it leads only to disinterest and lack of motivation, and in my line of work, both can be career limiting, if not ending. In the age of doing more with less, no one can afford to be part of the lesser. Especially not as a single father with a very important responsibility. I'm always amazed and in awe of those other single parents with multiple children living on much less than my annual salary. God knows, even I struggle with what I take home every two weeks, and to think about doing this single thing with even less money and more mouths and hands to take care of, is beyond my comprehension. My lifestyle would have to change dramatically in that situation, not that it hasn't already with one child. Going out at any time with friends doesn't happen without some major planning. I've always been pretty spontaneous in my event attendance, there was a time in college when I left the shower and getting ready for an 8:00 am class, one of my roommates asked if I wanted to blow off class, drive five hours to Boise to see Rage Against the Machine in an old prison courtyard. As if there was any thought to skipping a Tuesday schedule of classes to go to that show, and likewise, there was no thought to how much money was in my bank account to pay for gas and food, and zero thought to the paper I needed to turn in prior to finals week or the presentation I had that afternoon in one of my labs. I was out the door and hitting the highway 20 minutes later, finding myself back on campus 30 hours later begging teachers to let me turn stuff in late. Of course that was one of the best live shows I've ever seen and the memories still pop out of my mind as vividly as they did as they arrived in my hard drive of a brain that night. Those days stay reserved for college times and some 10+ years later, it's obvious that 20 minutes post shower to highway driving is out of the question. It's more like an hour or two and a few dozen phone calls to make arrangements., it takes serious work making unplanned trips a reality.
Full Green Day catalog on the iPhone this morning, do I need to say anything else about it? If you don't know now, you never will...unless you ask really nice and maybe I can help you out with a copy.
So that's really it this morning, short and sweet and anecdotal almost. I'm impressed with single parents, truly, and not because I want to be impressive and include myself in the category although I guess I am. I don't think they get enough credit for being awesome, for working their asses off to provide every last opportunity to their children and doing what they can to help make this world a better place. Often these parents are so busy trying to hold it all together that this world doesn't see everything they do, or the sacrifices they make for their kids, mainly due to the fact that they become invisible to most of us. I'm saying today to you that qualify, I see you and I applaud you and know what you go through. Maybe not to the extent that some of you deal with, but I get it. You all are rock stars in my book. 3 more hours in the office and we're Boise bound! Details to follow
Stay Blessed-
Full Green Day catalog on the iPhone this morning, do I need to say anything else about it? If you don't know now, you never will...unless you ask really nice and maybe I can help you out with a copy.
So that's really it this morning, short and sweet and anecdotal almost. I'm impressed with single parents, truly, and not because I want to be impressive and include myself in the category although I guess I am. I don't think they get enough credit for being awesome, for working their asses off to provide every last opportunity to their children and doing what they can to help make this world a better place. Often these parents are so busy trying to hold it all together that this world doesn't see everything they do, or the sacrifices they make for their kids, mainly due to the fact that they become invisible to most of us. I'm saying today to you that qualify, I see you and I applaud you and know what you go through. Maybe not to the extent that some of you deal with, but I get it. You all are rock stars in my book. 3 more hours in the office and we're Boise bound! Details to follow
Stay Blessed-
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
In Pieces
Well, I said a lot yesterday in my emotional breakdown and too much pressure welling up inside of me. I had been feeling pretty good up to that point over the past weeks, I guess being human with a heart and feelings, I just couldn't hold it in anymore. Suppose it's a part of me that should be worked out in a therapy session or 5 but ever since my shrink stood me up, I haven't been to counseling and I haven't called to reschedule. Either she didn't think there was enough there to work with continually or she didn't like me enough to continue seeing me. I don't know what the deal is there and I guess at the end of the day, I don't really care. Therapists are like lawyers, they're everywhere, and can be replaced. I'll probably start looking around again next week just so I can work through these feelings and hopefully not hit the implosion point again like yesterday.
There's been some discussion lately of a book deal for me, stemming from this little blog of mine. Aparently, a friend of a friend of a business partner of an aquaintence read some of this, and they like what they read. Kind of cool I guess, an opportunity to see my life unfold in print on a shelf at Barnes and Noble, a chance to share my stories and my insight on parenthood, family and love and loss. I've started working on it, right where everything should naturally start, the middle. I have no clue how to begin the story and where it should end. My life has always been a dialogue of mistakes and choices and stories of fact and fiction, and I've worked dilligently to right the wrongs, make changes that reflect truth instead of a good story, and make myself the best version of me. How much creative liscense should I feel is appropriate? I don't think any but then what if my life isn't interesting enough to get someone to spend twenty bucks to buy a copy? I'm not neccesarily afraid of failing but I'd like a couple shots at just being a writer, no one shot, one kill type situation.
"Minutes to Midnight" on the iPhone this morning. One of my favorite overall albums from Linkin Park, tons of "realness" pouring out of the songs, a genuine heartbreak throughout. One song after another that I connect with, probably the main reason I love this album so much, not to mention that you get Chester singing on almost every song. His side project 'Dead by Sunrise' is sure to be more great vocals from him this October. I'll be in line to pick it up when it hits, you should try it out.
Spent much of last night, following a very long much needed gym session, in multiple text message conversations between about 4 different people. So funny how different conversations start to blend between each other and keeping track of responses between the multiple conversations can get tricky. I will say that I seriously have one of the most killer group of friends, despite the years apart from some of them. One friend I haven't spoken to in over 13 years and you would never know it, we just go on talking like we did many many years ago. Which reminds me, I need to check my AT&T account and see how many text messages I have left on my plan. I'm sure I'm close to running right over the number, and if it keeps up at the pace in which it was last night, I'm gonna need to move to the unlimited text plan. Oh the price we pay to stay connected, it's well worth the money. 2 full days left in the office this week and it's airplane time and tattoo time! Enjoy the Wednesday
Stay blessed-
There's been some discussion lately of a book deal for me, stemming from this little blog of mine. Aparently, a friend of a friend of a business partner of an aquaintence read some of this, and they like what they read. Kind of cool I guess, an opportunity to see my life unfold in print on a shelf at Barnes and Noble, a chance to share my stories and my insight on parenthood, family and love and loss. I've started working on it, right where everything should naturally start, the middle. I have no clue how to begin the story and where it should end. My life has always been a dialogue of mistakes and choices and stories of fact and fiction, and I've worked dilligently to right the wrongs, make changes that reflect truth instead of a good story, and make myself the best version of me. How much creative liscense should I feel is appropriate? I don't think any but then what if my life isn't interesting enough to get someone to spend twenty bucks to buy a copy? I'm not neccesarily afraid of failing but I'd like a couple shots at just being a writer, no one shot, one kill type situation.
"Minutes to Midnight" on the iPhone this morning. One of my favorite overall albums from Linkin Park, tons of "realness" pouring out of the songs, a genuine heartbreak throughout. One song after another that I connect with, probably the main reason I love this album so much, not to mention that you get Chester singing on almost every song. His side project 'Dead by Sunrise' is sure to be more great vocals from him this October. I'll be in line to pick it up when it hits, you should try it out.
Spent much of last night, following a very long much needed gym session, in multiple text message conversations between about 4 different people. So funny how different conversations start to blend between each other and keeping track of responses between the multiple conversations can get tricky. I will say that I seriously have one of the most killer group of friends, despite the years apart from some of them. One friend I haven't spoken to in over 13 years and you would never know it, we just go on talking like we did many many years ago. Which reminds me, I need to check my AT&T account and see how many text messages I have left on my plan. I'm sure I'm close to running right over the number, and if it keeps up at the pace in which it was last night, I'm gonna need to move to the unlimited text plan. Oh the price we pay to stay connected, it's well worth the money. 2 full days left in the office this week and it's airplane time and tattoo time! Enjoy the Wednesday
Stay blessed-
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
When...I said "when"
Day 2 of my short work week starting and I'm uninspired this morning. The only thoughts revolve around getting through the week and making sure I have all of my ducks in a row. Friday will be the first time I've flown on an airplane with Jackson and no mom, and I'm almost terrified about traveling with a near 2 year old by myself. I was thinking about Caesar Millan(the Dog Whisperer in case you don't know) and wondering if he would tell me that children can sense my fear so I need to remain calm and assertive? Think assertive is going to matter to my almost two year old? I'm approaching the travel like a military operation, using distraction tactics seems to be the best approach. I think I'll load the laptop with his three favorite movies, and I'm sure if it gets us there with little disruption I can stomach to watch Finding Nemo, Cars and Madagascar 2 for the thousandth time. My laptop bag will surely be carrying the required necessities; juice box, diapers and wipes, and a handful of cars and trucks. The tricks going to be keeping my precious laptop and subsequent keys free of sticky juicy juice all while maintaining my calm assertiveness. I almost think we should be bringing a film crew with us to document this trip, if not just for posterity, it most certainly will be humorous to someone watching from the outside in.
I'm not used to packing for anyone but myself and there's so many things to remember to grab. One of which is Jackson's birth certificate. I have to be able to prove two things; 1. He's my son and 2. He's under two years of age. Once kids are two, parents are so fortunate that they are given the opportunity to buy them their very own ticket on the plane. When I say opportunity, I'm being fesicious of course.It's one of the reasons we're heading out on an airplane prior to his birthday. As if being a parent wasn't already financially straining at times, the airlines make it even more fun. I didn't know this was a policy until I became a parent, so I'm always surprised when I see a family of four or five heading to a Hawaiian vacation, that's a spendy plane ride.
So I started writing this morning around 7 am and am just now getting back to this post at 4:19 pm. I've had quite the day business wise but my head and my heart have been elsewhere today. Damn, I wish I could shut off this part of me that feels like this, hurt and lonely and without hope for the future I surely expected. Everytime my brain turns around and starts to spend any time remembering and acknowledging reality, my heart skips a few beats and my stomach turns the corner. I hate not knowing everything, everything she's thinking and planning and feeling. As I walked from my office to the train a few minutes ago, I couldn't help but drift back to that place, that moment, when I knew it was over. Honestly, and without shame, the tears started falling from under my black sunglasses and I quickly found my right hand wiping them off my cheek to ensure no one crossing my path witnessed my pain. I don't know how to move on and the single thought of her doing the same kills me. It pulls at everything inside of me and displays an empty cavity where I used to keep her close. I'm scared again, not that I think I've ever moved pass that frightened child screaming in the night for comfort, and no matter how much I do to make her nothing more than a memory, she's woven into the fabric that is who I am. This place is so cold, so void of anything worth pursueing or even worth your time. I've prayed an endless amount of prayers and I've begged for the forgiveness that I feel has been long overdue, to no avail. What does it take? What do I have to do?
I'm sorry for that, really I am, but I've been holding it in for days now, although I didn't realize how bottled up it was until today. Fuck, I might be the weakest man holding onto this heartache like a blanket, but it helps me releive this tension building up inside the body that encapsolates me. Guess the workload helped push it down, further than I knew. Until today, I don't think I've really cried in over 2 weeks. Wait, that's a lie. I cried the other day as I woke Jackson up from a nap and layed in bed with him and a sippie cup of milk. He hugged with the ferocity of a two year old and I kept my eyes on the doorway, expecting her to come in at any moment and capture that hug on film. What felt like hours, only minutes, my gaze stayed on that doorway and the tears started falling as no one came, no one to take that picture, no one to see the sweetness in that hug, no one to share that moment with me. It hurts, it hurts more than any woman has ever hurt me and there's been a few that have. No one made me feel like she did and with that, I'm certain no one ever will. Yeah, I'm down today and wishing there was something I could do to turn it around. I've had enough already...and I can't help myself. My prayer for you, is that you never find yourself in this place, in this torment, in this amount of anguish that I fight. May these words lift you up in knowing that life could always be worse, you could be here, in this place. Guess I'm hitting the gym before I hit something else, as this reckless chaos feels overwhelming. 2 more days until I can escape for a few days, 2 more days until I can hug my mom and know that everything is going to be alright, eventually.
Stay blessed-
I'm not used to packing for anyone but myself and there's so many things to remember to grab. One of which is Jackson's birth certificate. I have to be able to prove two things; 1. He's my son and 2. He's under two years of age. Once kids are two, parents are so fortunate that they are given the opportunity to buy them their very own ticket on the plane. When I say opportunity, I'm being fesicious of course.It's one of the reasons we're heading out on an airplane prior to his birthday. As if being a parent wasn't already financially straining at times, the airlines make it even more fun. I didn't know this was a policy until I became a parent, so I'm always surprised when I see a family of four or five heading to a Hawaiian vacation, that's a spendy plane ride.
So I started writing this morning around 7 am and am just now getting back to this post at 4:19 pm. I've had quite the day business wise but my head and my heart have been elsewhere today. Damn, I wish I could shut off this part of me that feels like this, hurt and lonely and without hope for the future I surely expected. Everytime my brain turns around and starts to spend any time remembering and acknowledging reality, my heart skips a few beats and my stomach turns the corner. I hate not knowing everything, everything she's thinking and planning and feeling. As I walked from my office to the train a few minutes ago, I couldn't help but drift back to that place, that moment, when I knew it was over. Honestly, and without shame, the tears started falling from under my black sunglasses and I quickly found my right hand wiping them off my cheek to ensure no one crossing my path witnessed my pain. I don't know how to move on and the single thought of her doing the same kills me. It pulls at everything inside of me and displays an empty cavity where I used to keep her close. I'm scared again, not that I think I've ever moved pass that frightened child screaming in the night for comfort, and no matter how much I do to make her nothing more than a memory, she's woven into the fabric that is who I am. This place is so cold, so void of anything worth pursueing or even worth your time. I've prayed an endless amount of prayers and I've begged for the forgiveness that I feel has been long overdue, to no avail. What does it take? What do I have to do?
I'm sorry for that, really I am, but I've been holding it in for days now, although I didn't realize how bottled up it was until today. Fuck, I might be the weakest man holding onto this heartache like a blanket, but it helps me releive this tension building up inside the body that encapsolates me. Guess the workload helped push it down, further than I knew. Until today, I don't think I've really cried in over 2 weeks. Wait, that's a lie. I cried the other day as I woke Jackson up from a nap and layed in bed with him and a sippie cup of milk. He hugged with the ferocity of a two year old and I kept my eyes on the doorway, expecting her to come in at any moment and capture that hug on film. What felt like hours, only minutes, my gaze stayed on that doorway and the tears started falling as no one came, no one to take that picture, no one to see the sweetness in that hug, no one to share that moment with me. It hurts, it hurts more than any woman has ever hurt me and there's been a few that have. No one made me feel like she did and with that, I'm certain no one ever will. Yeah, I'm down today and wishing there was something I could do to turn it around. I've had enough already...and I can't help myself. My prayer for you, is that you never find yourself in this place, in this torment, in this amount of anguish that I fight. May these words lift you up in knowing that life could always be worse, you could be here, in this place. Guess I'm hitting the gym before I hit something else, as this reckless chaos feels overwhelming. 2 more days until I can escape for a few days, 2 more days until I can hug my mom and know that everything is going to be alright, eventually.
Stay blessed-
Monday, August 17, 2009
Help Somebody if you Can
I had every intention of writing daily last week, in an attempt to keep the personal side of my life breathing. Unfortunately, the 16 hour work days became a bit too overwhelming and that just didn't happen. It might have been one of the longest weeks I can remember in recent history, for work at least, and today feels like things are getting back to normal. I'm obviously not in the office yet, so who knows what's in store for me once I walk in. The hiccups and systemic issues are all squared away now for the most part. Probably a few little 'nickels' to fix, but nothing major. I started equating each incident down to cost for the benefit of my Vice President last week, he's good at risk analysis when there's cost associated to it. Everything we needed to fix over the last week was a nickel or a dime, compared to some major quarters or half dollars that we could be trying to resolve, which we did have a full blown 2 dollar bill issue on Wednesday. That was cleared up by Friday close of business, so things went well there.
Enough of work though, it seems that's all I've been able to talk about lately and I'm pretty sick of hearing myself talk about it. Too bad I forgot about most of the rest of my life though last week. It had to wait until Friday, where work ended and the kegs of beer mysteriously showed up on the 7th floor deck outside of my office building. Kicked back with a couple 16 oz cold ones and some co-workers before heading off to the east side. Spent the evening with some friends, more imperial pints of Guinness and headed home. Things had gone pretty well up to the point of dropping the boys off at the Lake House. Somewhere along the lake road heading back to I-90, there was a major car accident with multiple cars, an older Audi smashed in on one side and a bunch of kids looking like deer in headlights. Everyone appeared to be ok, and I couldn't help thinking that 10 minutes earlier I had been heading the same direction. Guess I missed being a part of this one by minutes, still couldn't help thinking how different life could become in an instant. I wouldn't say I'm a worrier by nature, at least in the sense of my safety and getting bent out of shape witnessing someone else's misfortune. I did think about it though and how shitty it would be to have been one of those kids freaking out, especially with things being what they are for me right now. Just a couple minutes before coming on to the accident, I learned about a friend dealing with her own consistent car wreck of sorts in her home. Yet another situation I couldn't imagine being a part of and with everything that is in me, I wish there was something I could do to take the wheel and steer her out of that mess. Here's what I do know and I'm very serious when I say this. My friends mean everything to me and there isn't anything I wouldn't do to keep them safe, to help them escape a bad situation, or protect them from the boogie man. If my child ever told me the story like the one I heard Friday night, there's nothing anyone could do to stop me from fixing the situation. I'm sparing any details here for multiple reasons, but mentioning this because it's a serious thing she's dealing with and shouldn't have to. I'm still praying for you...
I never met my grandfather, he died when my mom was 6, but knowing what I know I think he would have agreed with the guys in my headphones this morning. Van Zant on the iPhone, good southern fried rock n roll. Blue collar real lyrics and great story telling. Give it a listen, even if you think it's too country or too whatever. Some great messages in there and one line I love, "Fight your fights, find the grace in all the things that you can't change, and help somebody if you can, and get right with the man". Not a bad lesson today
I have a lot more to talk about but didn't want to stray from the seriousness of the past paragraphs. Do what you can to help someone else today, even if they say they don't need it. Some people carry too much pride to ever ask, even when they know they need to. There's nothing harder, as a friend, to have to sit back and hope nothing bad happens when you know damn well things can only get worse if something doesn't change. I feel like this has been an ongoing struggle in my own life, in a completely different context of course, but a continuing dialogue of needing something different but not knowing how to or what to do. I'm a mess of tangled ribbon in so many colors and the harder I try to unwind, and straighten it all out, the more knots seem to be tied and they're starting to become insurmountable. I'll just keep untieing(sp?) them and continue looking forward for what is certainly going to happen whether I agree or not, my life. One more great line from a Van Zant song, "...and if you wanna hear God laugh, tell him your plans."
Stay blessed-
Enough of work though, it seems that's all I've been able to talk about lately and I'm pretty sick of hearing myself talk about it. Too bad I forgot about most of the rest of my life though last week. It had to wait until Friday, where work ended and the kegs of beer mysteriously showed up on the 7th floor deck outside of my office building. Kicked back with a couple 16 oz cold ones and some co-workers before heading off to the east side. Spent the evening with some friends, more imperial pints of Guinness and headed home. Things had gone pretty well up to the point of dropping the boys off at the Lake House. Somewhere along the lake road heading back to I-90, there was a major car accident with multiple cars, an older Audi smashed in on one side and a bunch of kids looking like deer in headlights. Everyone appeared to be ok, and I couldn't help thinking that 10 minutes earlier I had been heading the same direction. Guess I missed being a part of this one by minutes, still couldn't help thinking how different life could become in an instant. I wouldn't say I'm a worrier by nature, at least in the sense of my safety and getting bent out of shape witnessing someone else's misfortune. I did think about it though and how shitty it would be to have been one of those kids freaking out, especially with things being what they are for me right now. Just a couple minutes before coming on to the accident, I learned about a friend dealing with her own consistent car wreck of sorts in her home. Yet another situation I couldn't imagine being a part of and with everything that is in me, I wish there was something I could do to take the wheel and steer her out of that mess. Here's what I do know and I'm very serious when I say this. My friends mean everything to me and there isn't anything I wouldn't do to keep them safe, to help them escape a bad situation, or protect them from the boogie man. If my child ever told me the story like the one I heard Friday night, there's nothing anyone could do to stop me from fixing the situation. I'm sparing any details here for multiple reasons, but mentioning this because it's a serious thing she's dealing with and shouldn't have to. I'm still praying for you...
I never met my grandfather, he died when my mom was 6, but knowing what I know I think he would have agreed with the guys in my headphones this morning. Van Zant on the iPhone, good southern fried rock n roll. Blue collar real lyrics and great story telling. Give it a listen, even if you think it's too country or too whatever. Some great messages in there and one line I love, "Fight your fights, find the grace in all the things that you can't change, and help somebody if you can, and get right with the man". Not a bad lesson today
I have a lot more to talk about but didn't want to stray from the seriousness of the past paragraphs. Do what you can to help someone else today, even if they say they don't need it. Some people carry too much pride to ever ask, even when they know they need to. There's nothing harder, as a friend, to have to sit back and hope nothing bad happens when you know damn well things can only get worse if something doesn't change. I feel like this has been an ongoing struggle in my own life, in a completely different context of course, but a continuing dialogue of needing something different but not knowing how to or what to do. I'm a mess of tangled ribbon in so many colors and the harder I try to unwind, and straighten it all out, the more knots seem to be tied and they're starting to become insurmountable. I'll just keep untieing(sp?) them and continue looking forward for what is certainly going to happen whether I agree or not, my life. One more great line from a Van Zant song, "...and if you wanna hear God laugh, tell him your plans."
Stay blessed-
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Kinder Words
Took a 6 day hiatus from writing here, and it's been an insane 6 days full of 16 hour work days and little sleep with nearly no room for fun or personal time except to sleep. The 8 month old project finally birthed itself to the business on Saturday night, and beginning a day earlier, was my 50+ hours of weekend work. I think it goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway just to pat myself on the back, I actually worked more hours than I slept over a three day period. It was worth it though, we launched without any serious impacts and overcame any risks that would have prevented our success. It was a definite weight lifted off my back, now all I breath are sighs of relief as I continue to work sustainment issues and will eventually get to just bask in the successful release of this project.
So enough about work, right? It's weird to me, during these past 6 days, that's really all I've been living in and for. I managed to squeeze a guitar lesson in the evening Saturday night and Friday night, after 5 or 6 pints and a few shots with my old roommate, I ended up buying a street bike. Not just any street bike, a custom built war machine straight out of 'Mad Max and Thunderdome', solid black with drag bars and loud exhaust. It needs some custom love from me and a bike shop here and there to set her up for me, but it's going to be fun stuff. I just hope this August Seattle weather decides to finally realize it's still summer and I really want some dry days for some long rides out on the open rode. I have a few destinations in mind, so the rain needs to stop. Amazing how two weeks ago we were 100+ degree days and now I'm wearing a raincoat to stay dry... quite the change. And with the change, my allergies are coming back too, I'm not stoked. **Note to umbrella users, PAY ATTENTION to those around you when walking the crowded streets of the city. Some of us want to keep our eyes functional**
Also this past weekend, I managed to buy plane tickets to Boise for Jackson and I to go visit a week from this coming Friday. Gonna get this tattoo finished that been outlined and shaded for almost a year now, an unfinished foodog wanting it's color and it's eyes. It'll be good to see my friends and more importantly my family, spend time with my kid brother, hopefully writing some new songs and just having a good time doing what we both love to do, play music, create music, live music. It'll also be great to have Jackson spending some good time with family. Since we live in separate cities, he doesn't know them as well I had hoped he would at this point, so 3 full days with nana, papa and crew should be super rad for him. This will also be the first time I've seen my folks since my transition in this current chapter of my life began. I'm planning on staying as far away from the topic as possible, as I deal with it, it's mine to deal with and like I tell everyone, if you want to know how I'm doing, read this. It keeps me out of having to tell the same story over and over and keep the tears that need to stay back, well, back.
Random mix of artists on the iPhone this morning. Right now there's the Zep and I think I've heard The Cure, stuff off the new Green Day record, Mighty Mighty Bosstones, and some Kamphire Collective. A good mix of old and new(er) music, always forget how long 'Kashmir' is...I also heard a rumor that Kamphire Collective is heading back to the studio to record a new album! Someone confirm this for me please
So, the train is almost to the station in the city, sorry for such a long delay. I leave you today with words from my good friend Dicky Barrett of the MMB, "Kinder words here we could pick, a kind approach might do the trick". That's my mantra this week, pick your words carefully and make friends.
Let's see how that works out now that I can breathe a bit.
Stay Blessed-
So enough about work, right? It's weird to me, during these past 6 days, that's really all I've been living in and for. I managed to squeeze a guitar lesson in the evening Saturday night and Friday night, after 5 or 6 pints and a few shots with my old roommate, I ended up buying a street bike. Not just any street bike, a custom built war machine straight out of 'Mad Max and Thunderdome', solid black with drag bars and loud exhaust. It needs some custom love from me and a bike shop here and there to set her up for me, but it's going to be fun stuff. I just hope this August Seattle weather decides to finally realize it's still summer and I really want some dry days for some long rides out on the open rode. I have a few destinations in mind, so the rain needs to stop. Amazing how two weeks ago we were 100+ degree days and now I'm wearing a raincoat to stay dry... quite the change. And with the change, my allergies are coming back too, I'm not stoked. **Note to umbrella users, PAY ATTENTION to those around you when walking the crowded streets of the city. Some of us want to keep our eyes functional**
Also this past weekend, I managed to buy plane tickets to Boise for Jackson and I to go visit a week from this coming Friday. Gonna get this tattoo finished that been outlined and shaded for almost a year now, an unfinished foodog wanting it's color and it's eyes. It'll be good to see my friends and more importantly my family, spend time with my kid brother, hopefully writing some new songs and just having a good time doing what we both love to do, play music, create music, live music. It'll also be great to have Jackson spending some good time with family. Since we live in separate cities, he doesn't know them as well I had hoped he would at this point, so 3 full days with nana, papa and crew should be super rad for him. This will also be the first time I've seen my folks since my transition in this current chapter of my life began. I'm planning on staying as far away from the topic as possible, as I deal with it, it's mine to deal with and like I tell everyone, if you want to know how I'm doing, read this. It keeps me out of having to tell the same story over and over and keep the tears that need to stay back, well, back.
Random mix of artists on the iPhone this morning. Right now there's the Zep and I think I've heard The Cure, stuff off the new Green Day record, Mighty Mighty Bosstones, and some Kamphire Collective. A good mix of old and new(er) music, always forget how long 'Kashmir' is...I also heard a rumor that Kamphire Collective is heading back to the studio to record a new album! Someone confirm this for me please
So, the train is almost to the station in the city, sorry for such a long delay. I leave you today with words from my good friend Dicky Barrett of the MMB, "Kinder words here we could pick, a kind approach might do the trick". That's my mantra this week, pick your words carefully and make friends.
Let's see how that works out now that I can breathe a bit.
Stay Blessed-
Thursday, August 06, 2009
One Cold Night
Dreams are pretty wild, the ones that come into your head at night while you sleep. I don't seem to dream consistently, probably a side effect of sleep deprivation or insomnia, at least I don't think I do. I rarely remember enough to tell anyone about it the next day and when I can remember parts, it just doesn't make sense anyway. Dreams have a way of not making sense most of the time anyway. Now, the times I do dream and I remember them in their entirety, I see things I don't want to see, or don't know how to explain or even more so, want to try and explain. They're never the happy, fluffy, bright pastel colored dreams we see in movies or read about in childrens books. Mine are vivid from another angle, magnifying the reality of my own vision; conversations with people, symbolism through events, and from time to time, scary. Scary not in the sense of monsters and death, but scary in the sense that there's some difficult conversations taking place and foresight, that more often than not, happens in the non-dreaming world. It's amazing to me, that in all of the details I remember, in all of the "reality" that played a part of my dream last night, I can't even begin to explain in words what it all was about, except to say that dead people long past, can't still be having conversations and providing direction to those of us still living in this world. Can they? I lost 2 teeth in the dream, for no reason, they just fell out.
I woke up about 3:00 am and haven't been to sleep since. I tried for a time to rest again this morning, but my mind has been flying like a jet plane and right now as I write this, it's still spinning out of control, thinking and processing and wondering over all of the things that hit me in my sleep last night. I'm still very connected spiritually with 2 major people who I've lost from this world, where a day doesn't go by without them in my head and heart. I often ask them questions that I know won't be answered, but trying to imagine how they would have answered is helpful, and comforting. One of them appeared in my dream last night, literally sitting in the chair next to my bed. And with my own eyes, I would have sworn I was awake, as that voice coming from that body was the same one that I spent countless nights years past talking about life and family and everything under the sun. It was the same voice that asked me to look out for his little girl and the same one we mourned 4 and half years earlier. It felt so real and since my delusions are only occasional, I know it wasn't. No matter how much I wish it had been. The words were clear and concise, as if he'd never left and as if we'd never missed a beat. We made some promises to one another, I did some yelling and pleading and then he was gone. I jumped out of my skin, sweating and crying in the cold air of the night. I just sat there, with my knees to my chest, and started praying. I haven't slept since
I just saw a homeless man, on one side of Alaskan Way, pulling a shopping cart behind him, with his entire world stacked above his head covered in a blue tarp on that cart. The other side of the road, was a runner pushing her entire world in a two seat jogging stroller, quite a contrast of roads to take in life.
My god daughter and her mom are moving to Korea in a few days, I can't say I'm excited for them. I'm actually extremely disappointed that we've allowed some time to pass without speaking, without exchanging text messages or even sharing pictures. She's almost 5 now, and looks just like her daddy, and I'm told makes comments and facial expressions just like he did. Someday, I'll get to tell her about her daddy and the stories about he and I and the things we did. The nights we sat in the dark playing video games to the early morning hours, the road trips where we stopped in some little hick town in the middle of the night and got looks like we were about to run out of town. I get to tell her about the man she never knew and somehow find a way to tell her why he's not here anymore. I've been dreading this for a very long time, over 4 years now, and I'm sure, hopefully, I have another 12 years to find the right way to tell this little girl about the man she barely knew and the dark places he never let us know he knew. I don't know if he's haunting me or helping me, sometimes it feels like both. A day doesn't go by that I don't miss him, and not one single day goes by that I'm not angry and hurt by him. To be honest, I'm fucking pissed and that's something that no amount of therapy has been able to pull me back from. It's the letting go that I do realize needs to happen, it's the forgiveness that I still need to find, and I just can't do it. He was my best friend, my brother, my partner in crime, and after last night, I was reminded how much he still is.
Safe travels to my little roo and her mommy, I love you guys...
Stay blessed-
I woke up about 3:00 am and haven't been to sleep since. I tried for a time to rest again this morning, but my mind has been flying like a jet plane and right now as I write this, it's still spinning out of control, thinking and processing and wondering over all of the things that hit me in my sleep last night. I'm still very connected spiritually with 2 major people who I've lost from this world, where a day doesn't go by without them in my head and heart. I often ask them questions that I know won't be answered, but trying to imagine how they would have answered is helpful, and comforting. One of them appeared in my dream last night, literally sitting in the chair next to my bed. And with my own eyes, I would have sworn I was awake, as that voice coming from that body was the same one that I spent countless nights years past talking about life and family and everything under the sun. It was the same voice that asked me to look out for his little girl and the same one we mourned 4 and half years earlier. It felt so real and since my delusions are only occasional, I know it wasn't. No matter how much I wish it had been. The words were clear and concise, as if he'd never left and as if we'd never missed a beat. We made some promises to one another, I did some yelling and pleading and then he was gone. I jumped out of my skin, sweating and crying in the cold air of the night. I just sat there, with my knees to my chest, and started praying. I haven't slept since
I just saw a homeless man, on one side of Alaskan Way, pulling a shopping cart behind him, with his entire world stacked above his head covered in a blue tarp on that cart. The other side of the road, was a runner pushing her entire world in a two seat jogging stroller, quite a contrast of roads to take in life.
My god daughter and her mom are moving to Korea in a few days, I can't say I'm excited for them. I'm actually extremely disappointed that we've allowed some time to pass without speaking, without exchanging text messages or even sharing pictures. She's almost 5 now, and looks just like her daddy, and I'm told makes comments and facial expressions just like he did. Someday, I'll get to tell her about her daddy and the stories about he and I and the things we did. The nights we sat in the dark playing video games to the early morning hours, the road trips where we stopped in some little hick town in the middle of the night and got looks like we were about to run out of town. I get to tell her about the man she never knew and somehow find a way to tell her why he's not here anymore. I've been dreading this for a very long time, over 4 years now, and I'm sure, hopefully, I have another 12 years to find the right way to tell this little girl about the man she barely knew and the dark places he never let us know he knew. I don't know if he's haunting me or helping me, sometimes it feels like both. A day doesn't go by that I don't miss him, and not one single day goes by that I'm not angry and hurt by him. To be honest, I'm fucking pissed and that's something that no amount of therapy has been able to pull me back from. It's the letting go that I do realize needs to happen, it's the forgiveness that I still need to find, and I just can't do it. He was my best friend, my brother, my partner in crime, and after last night, I was reminded how much he still is.
Safe travels to my little roo and her mommy, I love you guys...
Stay blessed-
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Meet Virginia
Tuesday morning train ride, it's another day. The clouds are rolling in, reminds me of LA in the early summer hours, before the sun comes out to burn off the haze. Our weather has been consistent for once, unlike my moods and emotions. They've been all over the board and it's getting harder everyday to keep in touch with what I am and who I've been and where I'm heading. You can work your ass off day in and day out, try to keep that smile and stay true to what's happening on the inside. I can't live in a lie, and this pretending to be awesome has been taking it's toll on me. That's not to say that I don't have some awesome moments or even days, or that I am not awesome, I know this people. Sunday was an awesome day, residing in a spot that is always comfortable and happy for me, on the water, in a boat with great friends. Not sure why I never pursued sailing or a life out on the open sea. I've often discussed moving away from the states and heading somewhere in Central or South America to just live a simple life in the sun and sand. Costa Rica was one of the first places I ever spent time out of the country where I actually felt like I could be happy there, without the hustle and bustle of shopping and nice cars and luxuries of the home and convenience of fast food. I was sadly disappointed when we pulled into Tamarindo and saw a Pizza Hut and Burger King. Those were two of the last places I ever needed to see in such a beautiful tropic locale. However, there's nothing quite as peaceful as walking out of your cabana with a backpack, bottle of water and a dirt road to the middle of a forest in search of monkeys chillin up in the tree's living their lives. That dirt road was one of the most comfortable walks into nowhere that I've ever experienced, even as the bugs became thicker as the evening air started to cool down, I couldn't have worried about anything at that time in my life. Things were simpler then and I could stomach some of that simplicity right now.
I put Trains self-titled album on the iPhone this morning, it had been a while since I've listened to Pat Monahan and the boys. This is to me, their best work, real music for real people, real stories and real emotions regarding life and love and the insatiable need to just be ok. "I Am" is the track that always comes into my head when the music isn't playing in my ears, it asks the questions that often hit me in the middle of the night when the tears have left my eyes and all that's left is me, in the dark, wondering how I am going to make it to morning. If you're not familiar, please go pick up this album, you will find a way to thank me later.
Let's see, this is the last week before my now 8 month project deploys. There's a lot of last minute things to tie up and some really early hours this weekend to finalize the rollout, and in some ways, as stoked as I will be to finally get this thing out the door, I'm also going to be a little let down that I finally have to give it to the masses to use. It's been my business baby for awhile now, and the fruits of my labor will get to be seen finally, but then it's on to something else, something new and uncomfortable. Something needing my immediate attention, needing me to understand the intricacies and discover what it's made of and then mold it into my requirements. I guess the discovery piece is where we'll become close and gain some understanding of each other and what we can do for one another. A honeymoon stage so to speak, and it's a lot of work to get comfy, a lot of energy to put out. I wish it was something I was already intimately familiar with, like an old lost friend, we already know everything about her. Wonder if I can get that into the RFP process this time around, although something new and undiscovered, unproven is a much more interesting challenge and the fun is always in the hunt. Let's all just hope that the exploration reaps the benefits that a proven application yields. I'm naming the next one "Virginia", she sounds like a cool chick...
"I Am"- Train
I never been on a railroad, as many times as they pass me by
I never crashed in the desert or seen a rodeo
I don't know much about the world wars or Vietnam
I've yet to read about Uncle Tom
Never climbed a real rock or seen Colorado
Am I the son I think I am
Am I the friend I think I am
Am I the man I think I wanna be - hey
I never had a day where money didn't get in my way
I never listened to much Elvis
I can't remember a warm December
Am I the son I think I am
Am I the friend I think I am
Am I the man I think I wanna be
I'm here for my sanity sanity
I am here for you
I'm here for your fantasy sanity, I am here
I am
Am I the son I think I am
Am I the father that I think I am
Am I the man I think I wanna be
I'm here for my sanity sanity I am here for you
Whether or not I'm walkin in
Or whether or not I'm walkin out
I'm always here for you
And I'm here for my sanity sanity
I am here for you
I'm here for my fantasy sanity, I am here
I am
Stay blessed-
I put Trains self-titled album on the iPhone this morning, it had been a while since I've listened to Pat Monahan and the boys. This is to me, their best work, real music for real people, real stories and real emotions regarding life and love and the insatiable need to just be ok. "I Am" is the track that always comes into my head when the music isn't playing in my ears, it asks the questions that often hit me in the middle of the night when the tears have left my eyes and all that's left is me, in the dark, wondering how I am going to make it to morning. If you're not familiar, please go pick up this album, you will find a way to thank me later.
Let's see, this is the last week before my now 8 month project deploys. There's a lot of last minute things to tie up and some really early hours this weekend to finalize the rollout, and in some ways, as stoked as I will be to finally get this thing out the door, I'm also going to be a little let down that I finally have to give it to the masses to use. It's been my business baby for awhile now, and the fruits of my labor will get to be seen finally, but then it's on to something else, something new and uncomfortable. Something needing my immediate attention, needing me to understand the intricacies and discover what it's made of and then mold it into my requirements. I guess the discovery piece is where we'll become close and gain some understanding of each other and what we can do for one another. A honeymoon stage so to speak, and it's a lot of work to get comfy, a lot of energy to put out. I wish it was something I was already intimately familiar with, like an old lost friend, we already know everything about her. Wonder if I can get that into the RFP process this time around, although something new and undiscovered, unproven is a much more interesting challenge and the fun is always in the hunt. Let's all just hope that the exploration reaps the benefits that a proven application yields. I'm naming the next one "Virginia", she sounds like a cool chick...
"I Am"- Train
I never been on a railroad, as many times as they pass me by
I never crashed in the desert or seen a rodeo
I don't know much about the world wars or Vietnam
I've yet to read about Uncle Tom
Never climbed a real rock or seen Colorado
Am I the son I think I am
Am I the friend I think I am
Am I the man I think I wanna be - hey
I never had a day where money didn't get in my way
I never listened to much Elvis
I can't remember a warm December
Am I the son I think I am
Am I the friend I think I am
Am I the man I think I wanna be
I'm here for my sanity sanity
I am here for you
I'm here for your fantasy sanity, I am here
I am
Am I the son I think I am
Am I the father that I think I am
Am I the man I think I wanna be
I'm here for my sanity sanity I am here for you
Whether or not I'm walkin in
Or whether or not I'm walkin out
I'm always here for you
And I'm here for my sanity sanity
I am here for you
I'm here for my fantasy sanity, I am here
I am
Stay blessed-
Monday, August 03, 2009
Details in the Fabric
Well it was bound to happen, inevitable really. One can only go so long before the situation comes, and when it does and you find yourself unprepared to handle it, panic can set in. In my case, I'm really surprised it took as long as it did. So I did what anyone else would do, I headed to the drug store, for a plunger. Yeah, 7 weeks of apartment living, being well balanced and regular and Saturday morning I managed to back up the toilet in my master bathroom. I hadn't purchased a plunger, hadn't had a need to own one since I moved and it's not one of the things you normally have on the list of things to replace when you move and leave a world of stuff behind. I can only imagine what goes through the mind of the check stand guy when someone comes through their line with a bunch of groceries and a plunger. Hopefully, if they don't have one already, it's a reminder to head down the cleaning aisle and pick up a $3.97 plunger before they find a reason to need one. Way less stress knowing it's there if you should need it.
That minor crisis averted, Jackson and I spent a good two hours of a Saturday at the dog park with Bean and Guinness, who loved running and playing with a less than normally busy pack of dogs. Normally the dog park we frequent in Fort Steilacom is much busier on a summer Saturday but this being Seafair weekend in Seattle and the weather having been exceeding the 100 degree mark, there were much fewer dogs and people. Jackson seemed to enjoy himself, chasing Bean around through the high brush and hiding behind trees only to pop his head out to say "I see you" in a sound that has been developing into his own voice. What a trip it is to have my son turning from an infant that needs 100% of my protection and direction into a real life human toddler that forms his own opinions, makes choices and tells me what the deal is. Of course, we don't always agree on what the deal really is, but it's interesting having small world conversations with such a young mind that is constantly taking in data, processing it and building it into the framework of what I pray will be a fruitful life of joy and compassion and never know the pain of what I've been through or repeat the same mistakes I've made. Some of them are far too costly to the soul to have to imagine he may deal with at some point. I know my parents would have done anything to prevent the pains I've felt in my lifetime, and I know instinctively that I would do the same for him. That's just parenthood, even though I know deep down there's nothing mine could have done to avert my own pains and there's nothing I will be able to do to prevent some of his. That part is just life as a human being. Sometimes I forget that, as I look for the off switch on my head and heart in situations where I know it's just going to be trouble at the end of the day, and it's probably going to hurt. That's just another part of life, making choices that seem logical and seem like they're pretty cut and dry, but the flip side of it all could cost you more than if you took a different originating path. The first always seems like it outweighs the counter, and sometimes it does. Other times, you end up paying for them three times over. I've never been afraid of the pain or fearful of how much something might hurt, you know eventually it's going to, in one way or another. Learning to lessen the pain by preparing and being proactive to prevent it is the goal. Too bad I haven't been more successful at that lesson, although it has helped shape me into the man I am today. Not sure if that's all the awesome, but I'm still learning through making mistakes and having toilets attempt to overflow. I've just gotten lucky and kept my feet out of the overflowing shit, figuratively speaking of course.
Listened to the latest Jason Mraz album front to back this morning on the train ride and subsequent walk through the city. There's a few hidden gems in it, some witty language and some very poignant thoughts. Can't say that I'll continue to listen to most of it though, I'm not a fan of it in it's entirety, but like I said, there's a few pieces of good stuff. "Details in the Fabric" is probably my favorite track at the moment, anything with James Morrison harmonies are worth hearing and soaking up.
Went out for Seafair Sunday, the biggest party on water every year on Lake Washington. No idea how many boats actually made it out this year, seemed a little more mellow than past years that I've been out, but it didn't slow down our party. We had three boats in total, maxed out on people per boat and had a pretty damn good time. My sunburn today says I wasn't as diligent as I thought I was being with applying the sunscreen. I blame that on the squirt gun full of watermelon vodka, multiple bottles of yummy other stuff (not really sure what it was other than red hot alcohol) and 2 kegs of adult liquid something that kept getting poured into my big red cup and emptied into my mouth. Coupled with that, jumping and diving into the lake every 10 or 15 minutes on top of water balloons flying and super soakers raining down, I can't imagine why the sun screen didn't do it's job... oh well, I'll live. It was a good time for sure, old friends and new ones, lots of sing along's and a lot more drinking and subsequent thinking.
**Question of the day... What is the appropriate number of escalator steps to be behind the person in front of you? I think it's 2 but the person behind me this morning sure didn't**
This morning is off to a hurried pace so I'm wrapping this up a little prematurely, I'm sure I'll have to expand on later today or even tomorrow. Lots and lots of interesting things going on right now...
Stay blessed-
That minor crisis averted, Jackson and I spent a good two hours of a Saturday at the dog park with Bean and Guinness, who loved running and playing with a less than normally busy pack of dogs. Normally the dog park we frequent in Fort Steilacom is much busier on a summer Saturday but this being Seafair weekend in Seattle and the weather having been exceeding the 100 degree mark, there were much fewer dogs and people. Jackson seemed to enjoy himself, chasing Bean around through the high brush and hiding behind trees only to pop his head out to say "I see you" in a sound that has been developing into his own voice. What a trip it is to have my son turning from an infant that needs 100% of my protection and direction into a real life human toddler that forms his own opinions, makes choices and tells me what the deal is. Of course, we don't always agree on what the deal really is, but it's interesting having small world conversations with such a young mind that is constantly taking in data, processing it and building it into the framework of what I pray will be a fruitful life of joy and compassion and never know the pain of what I've been through or repeat the same mistakes I've made. Some of them are far too costly to the soul to have to imagine he may deal with at some point. I know my parents would have done anything to prevent the pains I've felt in my lifetime, and I know instinctively that I would do the same for him. That's just parenthood, even though I know deep down there's nothing mine could have done to avert my own pains and there's nothing I will be able to do to prevent some of his. That part is just life as a human being. Sometimes I forget that, as I look for the off switch on my head and heart in situations where I know it's just going to be trouble at the end of the day, and it's probably going to hurt. That's just another part of life, making choices that seem logical and seem like they're pretty cut and dry, but the flip side of it all could cost you more than if you took a different originating path. The first always seems like it outweighs the counter, and sometimes it does. Other times, you end up paying for them three times over. I've never been afraid of the pain or fearful of how much something might hurt, you know eventually it's going to, in one way or another. Learning to lessen the pain by preparing and being proactive to prevent it is the goal. Too bad I haven't been more successful at that lesson, although it has helped shape me into the man I am today. Not sure if that's all the awesome, but I'm still learning through making mistakes and having toilets attempt to overflow. I've just gotten lucky and kept my feet out of the overflowing shit, figuratively speaking of course.
Listened to the latest Jason Mraz album front to back this morning on the train ride and subsequent walk through the city. There's a few hidden gems in it, some witty language and some very poignant thoughts. Can't say that I'll continue to listen to most of it though, I'm not a fan of it in it's entirety, but like I said, there's a few pieces of good stuff. "Details in the Fabric" is probably my favorite track at the moment, anything with James Morrison harmonies are worth hearing and soaking up.
Went out for Seafair Sunday, the biggest party on water every year on Lake Washington. No idea how many boats actually made it out this year, seemed a little more mellow than past years that I've been out, but it didn't slow down our party. We had three boats in total, maxed out on people per boat and had a pretty damn good time. My sunburn today says I wasn't as diligent as I thought I was being with applying the sunscreen. I blame that on the squirt gun full of watermelon vodka, multiple bottles of yummy other stuff (not really sure what it was other than red hot alcohol) and 2 kegs of adult liquid something that kept getting poured into my big red cup and emptied into my mouth. Coupled with that, jumping and diving into the lake every 10 or 15 minutes on top of water balloons flying and super soakers raining down, I can't imagine why the sun screen didn't do it's job... oh well, I'll live. It was a good time for sure, old friends and new ones, lots of sing along's and a lot more drinking and subsequent thinking.
**Question of the day... What is the appropriate number of escalator steps to be behind the person in front of you? I think it's 2 but the person behind me this morning sure didn't**
This morning is off to a hurried pace so I'm wrapping this up a little prematurely, I'm sure I'll have to expand on later today or even tomorrow. Lots and lots of interesting things going on right now...
Stay blessed-
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