One Cold Night

Dreams are pretty wild, the ones that come into your head at night while you sleep. I don't seem to dream consistently, probably a side effect of sleep deprivation or insomnia, at least I don't think I do. I rarely remember enough to tell anyone about it the next day and when I can remember parts, it just doesn't make sense anyway. Dreams have a way of not making sense most of the time anyway. Now, the times I do dream and I remember them in their entirety, I see things I don't want to see, or don't know how to explain or even more so, want to try and explain. They're never the happy, fluffy, bright pastel colored dreams we see in movies or read about in childrens books. Mine are vivid from another angle, magnifying the reality of my own vision; conversations with people, symbolism through events, and from time to time, scary. Scary not in the sense of monsters and death, but scary in the sense that there's some difficult conversations taking place and foresight, that more often than not, happens in the non-dreaming world. It's amazing to me, that in all of the details I remember, in all of the "reality" that played a part of my dream last night, I can't even begin to explain in words what it all was about, except to say that dead people long past, can't still be having conversations and providing direction to those of us still living in this world. Can they? I lost 2 teeth in the dream, for no reason, they just fell out.

I woke up about 3:00 am and haven't been to sleep since. I tried for a time to rest again this morning, but my mind has been flying like a jet plane and right now as I write this, it's still spinning out of control, thinking and processing and wondering over all of the things that hit me in my sleep last night. I'm still very connected spiritually with 2 major people who I've lost from this world, where a day doesn't go by without them in my head and heart. I often ask them questions that I know won't be answered, but trying to imagine how they would have answered is helpful, and comforting. One of them appeared in my dream last night, literally sitting in the chair next to my bed. And with my own eyes, I would have sworn I was awake, as that voice coming from that body was the same one that I spent countless nights years past talking about life and family and everything under the sun. It was the same voice that asked me to look out for his little girl and the same one we mourned 4 and half years earlier. It felt so real and since my delusions are only occasional, I know it wasn't. No matter how much I wish it had been. The words were clear and concise, as if he'd never left and as if we'd never missed a beat. We made some promises to one another, I did some yelling and pleading and then he was gone. I jumped out of my skin, sweating and crying in the cold air of the night. I just sat there, with my knees to my chest, and started praying. I haven't slept since

I just saw a homeless man, on one side of Alaskan Way, pulling a shopping cart behind him, with his entire world stacked above his head covered in a blue tarp on that cart. The other side of the road, was a runner pushing her entire world in a two seat jogging stroller, quite a contrast of roads to take in life.

My god daughter and her mom are moving to Korea in a few days, I can't say I'm excited for them. I'm actually extremely disappointed that we've allowed some time to pass without speaking, without exchanging text messages or even sharing pictures. She's almost 5 now, and looks just like her daddy, and I'm told makes comments and facial expressions just like he did. Someday, I'll get to tell her about her daddy and the stories about he and I and the things we did. The nights we sat in the dark playing video games to the early morning hours, the road trips where we stopped in some little hick town in the middle of the night and got looks like we were about to run out of town. I get to tell her about the man she never knew and somehow find a way to tell her why he's not here anymore. I've been dreading this for a very long time, over 4 years now, and I'm sure, hopefully, I have another 12 years to find the right way to tell this little girl about the man she barely knew and the dark places he never let us know he knew. I don't know if he's haunting me or helping me, sometimes it feels like both. A day doesn't go by that I don't miss him, and not one single day goes by that I'm not angry and hurt by him. To be honest, I'm fucking pissed and that's something that no amount of therapy has been able to pull me back from. It's the letting go that I do realize needs to happen, it's the forgiveness that I still need to find, and I just can't do it. He was my best friend, my brother, my partner in crime, and after last night, I was reminded how much he still is.

Safe travels to my little roo and her mommy, I love you guys...

Stay blessed-