When...I said "when"

Day 2 of my short work week starting and I'm uninspired this morning. The only thoughts revolve around getting through the week and making sure I have all of my ducks in a row. Friday will be the first time I've flown on an airplane with Jackson and no mom, and I'm almost terrified about traveling with a near 2 year old by myself. I was thinking about Caesar Millan(the Dog Whisperer in case you don't know) and wondering if he would tell me that children can sense my fear so I need to remain calm and assertive? Think assertive is going to matter to my almost two year old? I'm approaching the travel like a military operation, using distraction tactics seems to be the best approach. I think I'll load the laptop with his three favorite movies, and I'm sure if it gets us there with little disruption I can stomach to watch Finding Nemo, Cars and Madagascar 2 for the thousandth time. My laptop bag will surely be carrying the required necessities; juice box, diapers and wipes, and a handful of cars and trucks. The tricks going to be keeping my precious laptop and subsequent keys free of sticky juicy juice all while maintaining my calm assertiveness. I almost think we should be bringing a film crew with us to document this trip, if not just for posterity, it most certainly will be humorous to someone watching from the outside in.

I'm not used to packing for anyone but myself and there's so many things to remember to grab. One of which is Jackson's birth certificate. I have to be able to prove two things; 1. He's my son and 2. He's under two years of age. Once kids are two, parents are so fortunate that they are given the opportunity to buy them their very own ticket on the plane. When I say opportunity, I'm being fesicious of course.It's one of the reasons we're heading out on an airplane prior to his birthday. As if being a parent wasn't already financially straining at times, the airlines make it even more fun. I didn't know this was a policy until I became a parent, so I'm always surprised when I see a family of four or five heading to a Hawaiian vacation, that's a spendy plane ride.

So I started writing this morning around 7 am and am just now getting back to this post at 4:19 pm. I've had quite the day business wise but my head and my heart have been elsewhere today. Damn, I wish I could shut off this part of me that feels like this, hurt and lonely and without hope for the future I surely expected. Everytime my brain turns around and starts to spend any time remembering and acknowledging reality, my heart skips a few beats and my stomach turns the corner. I hate not knowing everything, everything she's thinking and planning and feeling. As I walked from my office to the train a few minutes ago, I couldn't help but drift back to that place, that moment, when I knew it was over. Honestly, and without shame, the tears started falling from under my black sunglasses and I quickly found my right hand wiping them off my cheek to ensure no one crossing my path witnessed my pain. I don't know how to move on and the single thought of her doing the same kills me. It pulls at everything inside of me and displays an empty cavity where I used to keep her close. I'm scared again, not that I think I've ever moved pass that frightened child screaming in the night for comfort, and no matter how much I do to make her nothing more than a memory, she's woven into the fabric that is who I am. This place is so cold, so void of anything worth pursueing or even worth your time. I've prayed an endless amount of prayers and I've begged for the forgiveness that I feel has been long overdue, to no avail. What does it take? What do I have to do?

I'm sorry for that, really I am, but I've been holding it in for days now, although I didn't realize how bottled up it was until today. Fuck, I might be the weakest man holding onto this heartache like a blanket, but it helps me releive this tension building up inside the body that encapsolates me. Guess the workload helped push it down, further than I knew. Until today, I don't think I've really cried in over 2 weeks. Wait, that's a lie. I cried the other day as I woke Jackson up from a nap and layed in bed with him and a sippie cup of milk. He hugged with the ferocity of a two year old and I kept my eyes on the doorway, expecting her to come in at any moment and capture that hug on film. What felt like hours, only minutes, my gaze stayed on that doorway and the tears started falling as no one came, no one to take that picture, no one to see the sweetness in that hug, no one to share that moment with me. It hurts, it hurts more than any woman has ever hurt me and there's been a few that have. No one made me feel like she did and with that, I'm certain no one ever will. Yeah, I'm down today and wishing there was something I could do to turn it around. I've had enough already...and I can't help myself. My prayer for you, is that you never find yourself in this place, in this torment, in this amount of anguish that I fight. May these words lift you up in knowing that life could always be worse, you could be here, in this place. Guess I'm hitting the gym before I hit something else, as this reckless chaos feels overwhelming. 2 more days until I can escape for a few days, 2 more days until I can hug my mom and know that everything is going to be alright, eventually.

Stay blessed-