Take This

Well it was a weekend, wish I could say everything went to plan. It was tough, tough on me, tough on Jackson, and honestly, just tough. I guess you don't understand tough until your child responds to nearly every question with a "no" and especially when 'No' is not an answer you're used to hearing or even accept as an answer. In my day to day business life, that's not acceptable to a completely acceptable question or solution and such, I am not to accepting of hearing or being told 'no'. So when you're own child starts answering "no" to every suggestion and ask you make of him, it gets beyond frustrating. I have to take a few deep breaths at times before I respond. I hate this temper that I've spent years keeping in check and learning how to think before responding. It gets tougher when you're on less than optimal sleep due to the previous evenings sleeplessness of your child. The last 2 nights were much tougher than normal, and the more tired he becomes as the hours pass, the more "fun" he transitions to. It was into the 9 o'clock hour the past two nights, 2 hours later than normal, although I've noticed that bed time is slipping into the 7:45-8:00 pm hours as he gets older. Unfortunately, that's not keeping him from waking up at 6:30 every morning. Oh the fun of toddlers, this is just the beginning of his independent years. He'll be 22 months this coming Saturday, where has the time run off to?

Saturday, Jackson arrived at my place around noon after a morning with mom and the Little Gym. We did some lunch and took a nap. From there, we headed out to my old stomping grounds at the lake house on Lake Sammamish for some fun in the sun with the boys for part two of Brent's Bachelor party. His new life jacket was waiting his arrival and he fell in love. Mainly due to the rad hot rod on the front and back of it, but I think in part because it's a real big kid jacket. He's loving stuff that big kids get to wear. We hung at the lake with the guys for a little while, watched boats and seaplanes and "big kids" jumping and being thrown into the lake. It was good to say hi, slap some hands and chat for a bit with the guys. It's pretty obvious that I'm a dad first these days, such a weird shift for me when I'm with this group of guys who have always known me to be the first one chugging a beer, first one in the water and the first one talking shit. That's always been me, I wonder what they see? Did some exploring at Ross through the toddler section and the toys, of course, didn't find much but the new DC kicks I found little man are pretty sweet. God only knows why I think white shoes for a rough and tumble little guy are going to stay white. That's probably why he hasn't worn them yet, right?

Saturday night (Sunday morning) found Jackson at my bedside crying about 2 am with Tigger in one hand, a binky in his mouth, and his green blankie in the other. Wet diaper in tow, got him changed and into my bed where sleeping 4 (Jackson, Bean, Tigger and me) is becoming a trend I don't mind although restful sleep is out the window. So, I slept until 6:30 am when it was apparently time to play! I think I had finally made it to bed about 1:00 am, such a dumb ass for thinking he might sleep in once on a Sunday morning. Apparently in everything I'm losing, my brain is going too. And with this move, my coffee machine hasn't made the trek yet so it's 6:30 in the morning, I've had maybe 2 hours of real sleep, and there's no "go juice" to accompany Barney and Friends...Don't read more into this than is really here, I love my son and all his intricacies, I'd never change a thing about him in my life. There's just a few slight modifications that I would make to his sleeping patterns and reasoning.

Sunday was off to shot gun start and with trying to maintain consciousness in my sleep deprived state was becoming more difficult, we grabbed Bean and headed out to get some coffee and hit the park. Slide after slide, chain ladders and false ship wheels, this kid has no limits to fear. He's go go go right off the bat and the purity in the laughter of a child is the sweetest sound on a Sunday morning. An hour and a half at the park and some minor boo boo's is enough to induce a coma for most kids, except mine. He's ready for any adventure and that includes watching his dad try to make Mac N Cheese without all the proper tools. My kitchen is still lacking some needed utensils and oh did I ever take for granted the real purpose of a collinder and measuring cups. Have you ever tried to empty a pot of boiling water from noodles with a square plate? I can say I have now as I emptied the water from the pot like skimming off the fat from cooking hamburger in a frying pan, except square plates don't really hold back as much of the noodles as one would hope. It was an exercise in futility and eventually I won. Only to realize that 1/4 cup of milk was going to be eyeballed. There's nothing wrong with runny mac n cheese, right?

Nap time lasted an hour instead of 2 or more and Jack and I headed to the pool. He's been in swim lessons now for the past week and his kicking and comfort with the pool has improved two fold. He's really starting to get the kicking part down and seems to enjoy it, at least for 5 min. Jackson is really good at letting you know when he's had enough and swimming in the pool is no exception. In an instant he can go from laughing his head off in one breath to screaming it off in the next. The crying is something I'm still getting used to, many times it can be turned back into laughter pretty easily but when he has an audience comprised of relaxing sunbathers, there's no turning point. It's on and so there we are, leaving. Headed back to the confines of the apartment where Barney and Friends are an "on-demand" button away and his binky and trucks are at his fingertips. Comfort for my little guy.

So now it's Monday and I dropped him off at daycare, crying as I got into my truck to head to work. I won't see him for the next 2 days and it eats me up. I'd gladly give up my personal time and rest to never have a day without my little boy. I know he's safe and bringing joy and laughter to his mommy and getting to share his same "no's" and independence with her. It's just not any easier being without both of them. As I write this morning, these lyrics are pounding my heart to the point that it may flee my chest at any moment as the tears are building up behind the dam I've been building to get me through the daily operations of business. I don't know how to keep taking this everyday


I can't believe
How far I've come
Now watch me stumble
And come undone
If you take away
These memories
Then all that's left
Is just me

'Cause I don't want this
And I don't need this
And I don't feel this
It seems that even though she's with me
I can't shake this
And I can't fake this
And I won't take this
Anymore

So you choose
To break my heart
Should have seen this
From the start
I'm haunted by
Your apathy
All that's left
Is killing me

'Cause I don't want this
And I don't need this
And I don't feel this
It seems that even though she's with me
I can't shake this
And I can't fake this
And I won't take this
Anymore

Do you believe
That the way you choose to be
I've always had to see
The brighter side of this so I don't lose my faith
Now the sun has gone away
It's getting colder every day
So before I freeze to death
There's something I should say

I don't want this
And I don't need this
And I don't feel this
It seems that even though she's with me
I can't shake this
And I can't fake this
And I won't take this
Though you say you understand
You still won't face this
Can't erase this
I won't embrace this
Anymore

Stay blessed

Mmmmk, it's Friday

So no one needs to be reminded of the end of the work week, but I do. It means I have the next two days to be productive; have some fun, catch up with friends, get some stuff done at the place, and most important, hang out with my little man. It's also 2 days to reflect on things, a weekend of introspection, which if you haven't participated in for yourself lately, you probably should. It's well spent time.

I find a as many ways as possible to accomplish this. Most times, I write it out, whether it's here or in a written journal, I try and get it all out in words and make sense of it later. If you only knew the number of times I write something here and have to go back and clean up all of the nonsense crazy talk. I figure anything this public should have some creative limitation, otherwise you guys would be sending the men in white coats to find me for some further evaluation! No thanks. I like to think I'm a fairy well adjusted individual who is passionate about improving his situation and focused on dealing with the skeletons in the closet.

I had a very lengthy, very personal conversation last night with the most unexpected person, out of the blue. Unplanned and unexpected is always prefered for me. This life is so crazy and semi-predictable at times, that the unexpected is always a welcome change, at least in this instance. The conversation was heavy and left me feeling so thankful for having the friends in my life that I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with. As well, as honest as my friends are, it's beyond belief to me, that people see things you don't realize they are seeing and have real true feelings about. The perceptions we discussed were pretty spot on and some I hadn't consiously considered. Talk about awesome...to you I say thank you for calling me and thank you for checking in, I guess I didn't fully realize your awesomeness, you're rad.

Let's see, Mother Love Bone, Slightly Stoopid and Flogging Molly on the iPod this morning. Fairly random playlist of sorts, all with the same message, "Live Life". It's a short amount of time we get and the clock has been ticking. The weekend is consisting of time in the gym, guitar practice (after my lesson last night it's becoming obvious I don't practice enough) and a possible road trip out to Port Townsend to see my cousin and her family. That's just Saturday, and we'll see what Sunday looks like, hopefully the sun stays out and we can hit the pool.Of course, if you want to hang, call me

Enjoy the end of the week, stay blessed

Tuesday Train Ride

If life was easy, would it be worth living? I've been writing a lot of music lately as it seems that the only time I feel like I have something personal to say is when there's some tragedy or devastation in my life. I've been praying more than I think I've prayed in the last 10 years, and often times I ask, "Why can't this be easy? When is it my turn to have something right?" I don't expect that those questions are to be answered in a way I'll ever understand or even what I want to hear. Often times, we tell people what they want to hear versus what they need to hear. I make a valiant attempt in that situation to always be truthful and say it how it is, much to the chagrin of the questioner. But that is what's expected right? Truth

My youth pastor from way back in the day at Boise Friends is now the pastor of a church outside of Houston called Friendswood Friends and thanks to the powerful medium of the internet, I get to have my Sunday Sermon every Tuesday via podcast. Check it out at http://www.friendswoodfriends.com/podcasts.htm or via iTunes. I suggest going back as far as possible and listen to David talk. He's an awesome human being, a great adviser and through everything, an amazing friend. He's an old soul to be sure, traditional in his beliefs but progressive enough to be fair, which is not the norm in most churches today.

The Transplants and Augustana on the iPod this morning, great balance of angst and softness. Yeah, I could use a cuddle, I'm not too proud to admit it.

The other music playing heavy on me today is turning into the soundtrack of my life. Aaron Lewis acoustic is pure and spot on and if you think Staind has turned a corner from the hard rock band that they once were and mellowed out, you need to have a listen to the latest album and beg me to burn you some Aaron solo stuff. I think the only difference between he and I right now, is he smokes an ounce a day, but our hearts and minds are in the same places. Give him a listen and know that emotion you hear while cuddled into your couch is the same place I turn to. There's some comfort in sorrow and well, it's truth. It's where you are, it's where I am.

Stay blessed----

A week

I've had a week in the new place, it's not getting any easier, it doesn't feel like a home. I'm trying though, every day trying to add to it, make it comfortable, or as comfortable as it can become. It's an apartment, and it's apparent that I'm not into social living. Hearing footsteps above my head, doors slamming and floorboard heaters. I can't bitch though, it's a nice little community. It's gated so the riff raft stay out. Had Guinness with me on Sunday night, came into work and got a phone call about 12:30 to tell me that he hadn't stopped barking since 6:00 am and I needed to take care of it. Of course, I rode the train in so it was a $70.00 cab ride back to my truck before I could go get him and take him back to the house. Bean stayed with me last night, and she's at the place today. I didn't repeat the mistake, I drove into work today so we'll see if I get a 12:30 phone call about her. It's nice having at least one of the dogs there when Jackson isn't. Talk about a hand full though when there's a dog to get outside while trying to get breakfast together for Jack and get him ready for the day. Gone, for now, are the days of just opening up the back door and sending the dogs out to potty while going on about the morning. That'll be nice to regain from an efficiency and ease of use perspective. At least when he's not there, it's easy to put on a leash and go for a small walk.

Been listening to Street Sweeper Social Scene and the new Incubus record. Digging on both records right now, especially the acoustic version of "A Certain Shade of Green" from the debut album, great version.

It's quite different when I'm the only heartbeat in that place, it's nice having something there that needs me and wants to be near me. God knows I don't even want to be near me at times, something I need to work out in a session. Life is a weird thing though, the things we do alone versus who we are with others. My grandma once told me "Who we are in the dark, where no one else see's us, is who we really are." Underneath all of that outward persona and the mask we choose to wear, can be a scary face to, um, face. I look in the mirror and ask all sorts of questions, sometimes answered, and sometimes the questions are harder to ask than are hearing the answers that you know inevitably you have to deal with. And of course, I have a really hard time letting go of the hurt, the loss, the grief. I talk about it in this blog all the time, the personal hand grenades that explode my heart and shatter my spirit, only just as a reminder that I am still here. Tougher than I knew, resilient to the point that the mask can come off long enough to let people in close enough to understand. No walls at this point in my life, I've kept them really high for so long that when they tumbled down this time, I don't want to rebuild them. I've worn my heart on my sleeves all these years and it makes no sense to try and hide it now.

The Cats out of the bag...

I've been spending a decent amount of time over the past few weeks trying to find a way to talk about this with those of you that this is for. I've probably crafted 10-15 different emails, picked up the phone and started to dial, only to hang up, and started to say something directly and then stopped myself before uttering anything on this topic. I just couldn't find the right words, and when the words started to come, so did the tears and the emotions and the fear that I've failed. As well, in the middle of all of this, some of you were living in the brightest moments of your lives, getting married, getting engaged and preparing to have babies. I didn't want to play any role in diminishing your moments with mine. So when the words aren't enough to cover it all, keep writing.

This morning, I write this with much anxiety and sadness. Last Friday I moved out of my home and into an apartment nearby my house in order to be close to my son and be available if something were to happen and Jamie needed me. See, the thing is, Jamie and I haven't been working for awhile now, despite my best attempts to "fix" us and what I indirectly knew was wrong with us. Since Jackson came into our world, there's been 1 single focus, him. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, as a parent your child becomes the number 1 priority. The downfall in that is the focus of you as a couple takes a back seat and for us, it fell off the radar. We haven't been the awesome Jamie and Ryan that we once were in a very long time. I can't say that we did everything we could have to be better, there were things we could have done better or at all. We just didn't

I'm a firm believer that God will never give me more than I can handle at one time and right now, he's pushing me harder than ever. Through everything that I've faced in my lifetime, I don't think anything has ever hit me this hard or hurt this much, but I know this is what needs to happen. Time apart for some introspection and some me time.

So, as you read this, I ask for one thing, and that is your prayers and your love and support that has been ever present in our lives as friends and my family away from family. I need that more than ever, as does she. She's such an awesome woman and I am still deeply tangled up in her, that won't ever change. Whether we change the things about us that have fallen apart is left to us to work through and only time can tell us where our roads lead. For now, we have separate places and are doing our best to be awesome parents and people, separate but together. If your first inclination is to pick up the phone and reach out today, please hold back until later tonight. Jackson and I have plans and of course I'll be working my little arse off today. Hopefully I'll see a lot of you this weekend and we can hug like never before.

I love you all and thank you for being my friends and accepting me as I am, even with my faults and quirks. You're the people that have kept me going for all the years.
Ryan