The Cats out of the bag...

I've been spending a decent amount of time over the past few weeks trying to find a way to talk about this with those of you that this is for. I've probably crafted 10-15 different emails, picked up the phone and started to dial, only to hang up, and started to say something directly and then stopped myself before uttering anything on this topic. I just couldn't find the right words, and when the words started to come, so did the tears and the emotions and the fear that I've failed. As well, in the middle of all of this, some of you were living in the brightest moments of your lives, getting married, getting engaged and preparing to have babies. I didn't want to play any role in diminishing your moments with mine. So when the words aren't enough to cover it all, keep writing.

This morning, I write this with much anxiety and sadness. Last Friday I moved out of my home and into an apartment nearby my house in order to be close to my son and be available if something were to happen and Jamie needed me. See, the thing is, Jamie and I haven't been working for awhile now, despite my best attempts to "fix" us and what I indirectly knew was wrong with us. Since Jackson came into our world, there's been 1 single focus, him. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, as a parent your child becomes the number 1 priority. The downfall in that is the focus of you as a couple takes a back seat and for us, it fell off the radar. We haven't been the awesome Jamie and Ryan that we once were in a very long time. I can't say that we did everything we could have to be better, there were things we could have done better or at all. We just didn't

I'm a firm believer that God will never give me more than I can handle at one time and right now, he's pushing me harder than ever. Through everything that I've faced in my lifetime, I don't think anything has ever hit me this hard or hurt this much, but I know this is what needs to happen. Time apart for some introspection and some me time.

So, as you read this, I ask for one thing, and that is your prayers and your love and support that has been ever present in our lives as friends and my family away from family. I need that more than ever, as does she. She's such an awesome woman and I am still deeply tangled up in her, that won't ever change. Whether we change the things about us that have fallen apart is left to us to work through and only time can tell us where our roads lead. For now, we have separate places and are doing our best to be awesome parents and people, separate but together. If your first inclination is to pick up the phone and reach out today, please hold back until later tonight. Jackson and I have plans and of course I'll be working my little arse off today. Hopefully I'll see a lot of you this weekend and we can hug like never before.

I love you all and thank you for being my friends and accepting me as I am, even with my faults and quirks. You're the people that have kept me going for all the years.
Ryan