Take This

Well it was a weekend, wish I could say everything went to plan. It was tough, tough on me, tough on Jackson, and honestly, just tough. I guess you don't understand tough until your child responds to nearly every question with a "no" and especially when 'No' is not an answer you're used to hearing or even accept as an answer. In my day to day business life, that's not acceptable to a completely acceptable question or solution and such, I am not to accepting of hearing or being told 'no'. So when you're own child starts answering "no" to every suggestion and ask you make of him, it gets beyond frustrating. I have to take a few deep breaths at times before I respond. I hate this temper that I've spent years keeping in check and learning how to think before responding. It gets tougher when you're on less than optimal sleep due to the previous evenings sleeplessness of your child. The last 2 nights were much tougher than normal, and the more tired he becomes as the hours pass, the more "fun" he transitions to. It was into the 9 o'clock hour the past two nights, 2 hours later than normal, although I've noticed that bed time is slipping into the 7:45-8:00 pm hours as he gets older. Unfortunately, that's not keeping him from waking up at 6:30 every morning. Oh the fun of toddlers, this is just the beginning of his independent years. He'll be 22 months this coming Saturday, where has the time run off to?

Saturday, Jackson arrived at my place around noon after a morning with mom and the Little Gym. We did some lunch and took a nap. From there, we headed out to my old stomping grounds at the lake house on Lake Sammamish for some fun in the sun with the boys for part two of Brent's Bachelor party. His new life jacket was waiting his arrival and he fell in love. Mainly due to the rad hot rod on the front and back of it, but I think in part because it's a real big kid jacket. He's loving stuff that big kids get to wear. We hung at the lake with the guys for a little while, watched boats and seaplanes and "big kids" jumping and being thrown into the lake. It was good to say hi, slap some hands and chat for a bit with the guys. It's pretty obvious that I'm a dad first these days, such a weird shift for me when I'm with this group of guys who have always known me to be the first one chugging a beer, first one in the water and the first one talking shit. That's always been me, I wonder what they see? Did some exploring at Ross through the toddler section and the toys, of course, didn't find much but the new DC kicks I found little man are pretty sweet. God only knows why I think white shoes for a rough and tumble little guy are going to stay white. That's probably why he hasn't worn them yet, right?

Saturday night (Sunday morning) found Jackson at my bedside crying about 2 am with Tigger in one hand, a binky in his mouth, and his green blankie in the other. Wet diaper in tow, got him changed and into my bed where sleeping 4 (Jackson, Bean, Tigger and me) is becoming a trend I don't mind although restful sleep is out the window. So, I slept until 6:30 am when it was apparently time to play! I think I had finally made it to bed about 1:00 am, such a dumb ass for thinking he might sleep in once on a Sunday morning. Apparently in everything I'm losing, my brain is going too. And with this move, my coffee machine hasn't made the trek yet so it's 6:30 in the morning, I've had maybe 2 hours of real sleep, and there's no "go juice" to accompany Barney and Friends...Don't read more into this than is really here, I love my son and all his intricacies, I'd never change a thing about him in my life. There's just a few slight modifications that I would make to his sleeping patterns and reasoning.

Sunday was off to shot gun start and with trying to maintain consciousness in my sleep deprived state was becoming more difficult, we grabbed Bean and headed out to get some coffee and hit the park. Slide after slide, chain ladders and false ship wheels, this kid has no limits to fear. He's go go go right off the bat and the purity in the laughter of a child is the sweetest sound on a Sunday morning. An hour and a half at the park and some minor boo boo's is enough to induce a coma for most kids, except mine. He's ready for any adventure and that includes watching his dad try to make Mac N Cheese without all the proper tools. My kitchen is still lacking some needed utensils and oh did I ever take for granted the real purpose of a collinder and measuring cups. Have you ever tried to empty a pot of boiling water from noodles with a square plate? I can say I have now as I emptied the water from the pot like skimming off the fat from cooking hamburger in a frying pan, except square plates don't really hold back as much of the noodles as one would hope. It was an exercise in futility and eventually I won. Only to realize that 1/4 cup of milk was going to be eyeballed. There's nothing wrong with runny mac n cheese, right?

Nap time lasted an hour instead of 2 or more and Jack and I headed to the pool. He's been in swim lessons now for the past week and his kicking and comfort with the pool has improved two fold. He's really starting to get the kicking part down and seems to enjoy it, at least for 5 min. Jackson is really good at letting you know when he's had enough and swimming in the pool is no exception. In an instant he can go from laughing his head off in one breath to screaming it off in the next. The crying is something I'm still getting used to, many times it can be turned back into laughter pretty easily but when he has an audience comprised of relaxing sunbathers, there's no turning point. It's on and so there we are, leaving. Headed back to the confines of the apartment where Barney and Friends are an "on-demand" button away and his binky and trucks are at his fingertips. Comfort for my little guy.

So now it's Monday and I dropped him off at daycare, crying as I got into my truck to head to work. I won't see him for the next 2 days and it eats me up. I'd gladly give up my personal time and rest to never have a day without my little boy. I know he's safe and bringing joy and laughter to his mommy and getting to share his same "no's" and independence with her. It's just not any easier being without both of them. As I write this morning, these lyrics are pounding my heart to the point that it may flee my chest at any moment as the tears are building up behind the dam I've been building to get me through the daily operations of business. I don't know how to keep taking this everyday


I can't believe
How far I've come
Now watch me stumble
And come undone
If you take away
These memories
Then all that's left
Is just me

'Cause I don't want this
And I don't need this
And I don't feel this
It seems that even though she's with me
I can't shake this
And I can't fake this
And I won't take this
Anymore

So you choose
To break my heart
Should have seen this
From the start
I'm haunted by
Your apathy
All that's left
Is killing me

'Cause I don't want this
And I don't need this
And I don't feel this
It seems that even though she's with me
I can't shake this
And I can't fake this
And I won't take this
Anymore

Do you believe
That the way you choose to be
I've always had to see
The brighter side of this so I don't lose my faith
Now the sun has gone away
It's getting colder every day
So before I freeze to death
There's something I should say

I don't want this
And I don't need this
And I don't feel this
It seems that even though she's with me
I can't shake this
And I can't fake this
And I won't take this
Though you say you understand
You still won't face this
Can't erase this
I won't embrace this
Anymore

Stay blessed