A view from the sidelines

So yesterday was a tough day, I can admit that. I have some good ones and some really bad ones. The balance between the two is fairly equal, although it seems like I have more good days than bad, but like all things, the bad ones are always more apparent and much easier to remember and write about. Yesterday I spent some time looking at what the triggers are, and for the life of me, I can't identify them, and you can be guaranteed that my therapist and I have some things to talk about and figure out, it's on my list for her to help me with. Knowing what it is that sets me off on the wrong foot in the morning is paramount to moving forward with the life of Ryan. Yes, I'm in therapy and I have no qualms talking about it. I think it's one of the healthiest mental choices one can make for themselves. I'm not there because of a court order or as something I agreed to with anyone, except for myself. I know my limitations, and one that doesn't resolve itself is what goes on in this head and heart of mine. Does that make me weak? I don't think so, it's just the opposite, admiting you have shortcomings and need help overcoming those obstacles. Like the alcoholic that goes to a meeting for support, my therapist makes me think and talk outloud about things I don't necessarily want to openly talk about. I know what you're saying, "There's things you don't openly talk about?" and you're right, I will openly talk about anything. She just asks the questions that I haven't thought about, and she's candid in questions, no punches held back, she asks it like it is. It's actually surprised at times, her questions and our conversations. I'll stay out of the details, but she has been able to make me blush (can guys blush?) with a question or four as she sits back with the same look on her face that she has with any other question, like she isn't asking something rather personal that isn't a bit uncomfortable for the person being asked. It can be a very surreal experience at times to be sure.

I didn't intend to write about my therapy or anything connected to it today, except to say that I can acknowledge the good days and the bad days and I'm working my ass off to overcome the bad and live a life poised for 98% great and 2% ok. I do want to be happy all the time and I do want to be comfortable. Getting down the road to that destination takes preparation and fuel, therapy is one of the preparations that I require. I think there's plenty of other people in the world that could benefit from it as well, it just takes the additional preparation of finding that right person to confide in and build that trust, it can be a cool thing.

Weezer on the iPhone this morning, been spending my guitar lessons learning some good tricky rhythms and picking, many that come straight out of Weezer records. I've always dug this band; not flashy or over the top attention seekers. They just come out and say what they needed to say and play some kick ass music at the same time...oops, laptop battery about to poop out... guess I'm finishing this from the office...be right back...(7:38 am)

Ok, so that took a little more time than expected. It's now after 10 am, and I've been to a couple meetings already. Yet another busy day in the office, but not too busy to wrap today's piece up. It's amazing to me how many people are dealing with so many of the same things I'm dealing with right now. 1 friend of mine is super down and trying to figure out what to do after an injury is postponing his employment. Professional baseball players being sidelined for 5 weeks in a season with only 7 weeks remaining has got to be a heavy blow, and add to that living in a foreign country where no one speaks your language. I can only imagine that feeling of being alone and having life on pause. Another friend just sold the house they've been renovating and living in over the last few years. After the blood and sweat and love to make it a home, they had to sit back and watch the new owners take measurements and decide what furniture goes where.

Being replaced or sidelined has to be one of the toughest moments that we as humans can go through, regardless of the context of the situation. The length of that emotion can last a lifetime, or 5 weeks, again, depending on the context of the situation. I guess the game plan has to be to focus on the things that are great and focus on changing the ones that aren't. For me, I take the bench every morning and play the best role I can from the dugout, one day at a time. Some days I hate it, and other days, I simply sit back and smile and thank God for allowing me to even suit up.

Stay blessed-