5 Stages of something

You know it's always bound to be an emotional kinda evening when you sit down with a guitar, a cup of coffee and a cigarette and turn on the songs that make you cry at a moments notice, just for where they take you, or had taken you, at one time or another. For me, there's only a handful of songs that can put me on my knees and take my breath away. Those are the ones that I do everything I can to avoid when sitting in solace like I am tonight, and there's an urge to simply push out this, whatever it is, inside of me. The other night, a friend sent me a text, obviously inspired by the season opener of "Grey's Anatomy", which I would discover the day after. It read, "there are 5 stages to grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining and Acceptance...Where do u think u r?" and in my haste to respond via text, cause you can't be too slow on the response or else it seems like you don't know what you're doing, I responded with "Depression and anger and bargaining...I'm all of that" and pressed send. That was Thursday last week and I've since had a lot of time to think and well, yeah, I watched 'Grey's' and cried through the first 14 minutes like a little girl and then I laughed and well finished the 2 hour episode in tears again. As I look at where I am today, I think I'm 4.5 out of 5 of those, the one I have yet to wrap my arms around is the acceptance piece, but fuck am I trying like hell to just accept where I am at 32; as a man, as a son, a father, a brother and a friend. I don't know if this is supposed to get easier, fighting against the world who tells me it will, fighting against the depression and the anger and the bargaining chips that I don't posses. Yeah, I battle depression, that shouldn't be a secret to anyone anymore and there's some days that are harder than others, and there's days where it doesn't hit me at all. I've been burying myself into work and the songwriting and trying to make something more of this life, one little breath at a time.

When my Grandmother passed away, I went to Boise for the funeral and it was suddenly a different place at my parents home. A big piece of our family was gone, and not just a big piece, the cornerstone of our family was missing. I spent a good amount of time that trip home just driving and listening to music. I bought close to 12 different albums that 3 days and listened to every song just looking for something to help me not think and feel. I picked up some angst driven punk Cd's, some shit I'd never heard of and wouldn't you know one of those contained "one of those songs" that I try and skip if it comes on my random play lists. It's from a Florida band called 'Yellowcard' and the song "View from Heaven" hit way to close for me. It was everything she possessed in my life and fit exactly what I would have said to her had I been there when her last breath came and went.

i'm just so tired
wont you sing me to sleep
and fly through my dreams
so i can hitch a ride with you tonight
and get away from this place
have a new name and face
i just aint the same without you in my life
late night drives, all alone in my car
i can't help but start
singing lines from all our favorite songs
and melodies in the air
singin life just aint fair
sometimes i still just can't believe you're gone
and im sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven,
maybe we'll make it through one more year
down here

feel your fire,
when its cold in my heart
and things sorta start
remindin' me of my last night with you
i only need one more day
just one more chance to say
i wish that i had gone up with you too
and i'm sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year
down here

you wont be comin' back
and i didn't get to say goodbye (goodbye)
i really wish i got to say goodbye
and im sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year
i hope that all is well in heaven
cause it's all shot to hell down here
i hope that i find you in heaven
cause i'm so...
lost without you down here
you wont be coming back
and i didn't get to say goodbye (goodbye)
i really wish i got to say gooooodbye

When my best friend left this earth just shy of a year later, my world came crashing down and I've never been able to let go of that loss. I've talked about him a lot in this ongoing dialogue between me as the writer and you as the reader. He was an amazing man, not without faults, but a man that I miss severely, especially when I'm in this struggle with acceptance. I've accepted his departure, there's nothing more to really argue about. He's gone, but his memory is constantly on my mind and my heart. Counting Crows has 2 songs that will forever make me think of him, "Raining in Baltimore" and "Hazy". I think Raining impacts me the most, thinking back to the drive after the phone call when I found out he was gone. I jumped in my truck about 2 hours after the news and hit the road, Boise bound yet again for a loss. It was foggy and rained almost the entire drive through the night. I cried and yelled almost that entire eight hour drive, depression and anger, and I couldn't stop thinking about this song.

This circus is falling down on its knees
The big top is crumbling down
It's raining in Baltimore fifty miles east
Where you should be, no one's around
I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
I need a big love
I need a phone call

These train conversations are passing me by
And I don't have nothing to say
You get what you pay for
But I just had no intention of living this way

I need a phone call
I need a plane ride
I need a sunburn
I need a raincoat

And I get no answers
And I don't get no change
It's raining in Baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same
There's things I remember and things I forget
I miss you I guess that I should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?
I need a phone call
Maybe I should buy a new car
I can always hear a freight train If I listen real hard
And I wish, I wish it was a small world
Because I'm lonely for the big towns
I'd like to hear a little guitar
I think it's time to put the top down
I need a phone callI need a raincoat

Tonight I am missing you, those of you that I have lost a long the way. Tonight, I sit here by candle light and remember those short times we had...and for those of you that read this and think that I only ever talk about "losing these two amazing people, move on" I'm sorry, this is what comes out of me when I'm 12 feet down in a hole and trying to figure out how to get the fuck back up. These people help me see that there's more to this earth than what I am dealing with and it's ok to keep going. No, I don't dwell on the topic and I don't bask in their memories, but not a day goes by that these 2 don't cross my mind and provide me very different ways of handling things. Deal with it or don't reaad this anymore, choice is yours.

I have a lot more to say about all of this, but for another time. I'm burned out, bummed out and wishing things were different from so many angles. But like I said to someone earlier today, "wishes are like dreams", keep them in thoughts but don't bank on them. You'll only be disapointed in the end, and this guy, can't handle any more disapointment right now. So I'm keeping my head up, my eyes open and ready for the big show. Although, acceptance can kiss my ass for now.

Stay blessed-