I owe some updates from Friday through this week but they'll have to come at another time. At this moment, I'm ignoring anything other than the fact that it's game day, finally, college football season kicks off tonight and Boise State is going to be shooting Ducks out of the sky at Bronco Stadium. The only thing that would make this better is if I was in Boise to watch this game. Tonight however, it'll be a father and son football night, rocking our blue and orange gear cheering on our (my) favorite college football program. Some day Jackson will thank me for this, or become a Vandal (like I was at one time), hell, U of I is a fun place at 18 years of age. Fortunately, I have 16 more years before we have to get to that point! I know I can't even begin to think about handling that right now.
Last night as I was driving home, I passed an older, mid-seventies bright yellow mustang for sale. On the windows in soap writing, it read, "Yes it runs! Needs TLC" and I shot back in my memory bank to a time when I spent countless hours working out plans to convince my folks to buy me a car. I remember thinking that $2,000 bucks didn't seem like a lot of money, but $7,000 did, and I really, even at 15 years old, had no concept of money. Maybe I still don't, as two grand doesn't seem like a lot of dough for a decent running vehicle. I think what scared me even more, was that at some point, I will have to buy him a car, and my adolescent toddler will be driving on the road and making choices and have to be responsible for things that even I at this age, do not want to be responsible for. They always said that becoming a parent will really change your life, but internal conversations like these really become the proof that it does. I was thinking about the day I got my license in Idaho, and it still feels like yesterday, even though it was 17 years ago. I'll never forget it, I had a '79 Honda Prelude from my grandmother that sat in front of my folks house for nearly 8 months before I could even drive it. I washed that thing every couple of days and started it every other day. I couldn't wait to be out driving. December 23rd, 1993, my mom and little sister piled into my 'lude' and my mom drove me out to city hall in Meridian to get my photo taken and get my actual license. When the lady behind the counter handed me that piece of molded plastic with my name and picture on it, it was like handing me the freedom to go anywhere I wanted at any point in time. I was 15! We went back to the car, smiling from ear to ear, I opened the passenger door for my sis and mom, and jumped into the driver seat. 15 miles back to the house, I followed the speed limit, did the S.M.O.G. procedure (Signal, Mirror, Over the shoulder, Go) and promptly pulled into the driveway. Mom and sister out of the car and I pulled away from the house, freedom of the wheel and road, all by my 15 year old self! I've been driving ever since with minimal interference from law enforcement and other vehicles, I've been lucky though. I hope I'm as cool with Jackson just coming and going as my folks were with me, but damn, I'd be lying if I said the thought doesn't scare the shit out of me, and I have how many years to work up to this??
Two new bands on the iPhone this week, one not so new but new to me. Secret Machines and Pop Evil, two totally different types of music and two different attitudes all together, both killing it in my headphones. If you like Jesus Jones/Pink Floyd/Jane's Addiction go check out Secret Machines (10 Silver Drops or Now Here is Nowhere) and if you just wanna rock out, Pop Evil are the suggestions this week.
Had a hell of a time staying on track mentally last night. I've known this for a long time, admittedly without acknowledgment, I am not good at being alone. Even having the dogs with me, wasn't enough to keep me from spending too much time and energy thinking about the past and wanting to make adjustments to the past, changes that maybe could have changed where I dwell these days. And maybe there's nothing I could have done differently that would have changed this. God knows, there's nothing I would change about having my son, and I don't think that at this point in my life should I be so concerned about the past, but it doesn't hurt any less and it doesn't make me stoked to only have two dogs to share in the glories of victory and the pains of loss. I, like many, need the feedback, the reaction, and without it, it's just not as fulfilling or comforting. At least I'm back to normal sleeping, normal to say 5-6 hours a night is enough, but at least these past couple of weeks have been easier to close my eyes and get through the night. That's a win!
So, here's to the rest of today going by quickly. I cannot wait for kickoff at 7:15 PT and my fantasy league draft, oh, and don't forget the Seahawks/Raiders preseason match up tonight as well. Looks like both of my teams in Blue are heading for a victory tonight, should be a great night, especially with my best guy sitting along side and cheering on the Bronco's!
Stay blessed-
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