Morning Drive

It has been an interesting mark in time in my life, to say the least. Days go by where there's not a care or stress in the world of "Ryan", and there's days where time just doesn't move and memories flood my perception of reality to a point where attempting anything productive is futile. I mention this, only as an underlying theme that more than likely runs true in many peoples lives, not just my own. Although, one could gather from reading this dialogue, that my roller coaster of emotion and living is much more up and down than the normal, average, every day Joe. Maybe it is, or maybe because I choose to acknowledge it publicly, it just seems that way. Regardless, I know positively that I'm not the only one riding this same figurative ride, as much as I wish I were. That's the point though, if I was the the lone rider going up, down, side to side and upside down, you wouldn't read this except to feel better about your own life and find solace with yourself. See, I don't think I'm too far left of center when it comes to struggling with living a life that doesn't meet some idealized expectations that we have created for ourselves.

I was almost there, that idea, that everything I had expected to have in this life was right at my finger tips. I had the girl, the home, the dogs, the yard, the child. All of the "things" that from the time we're born to the day we die, we measure ourselves against, and I was the poster child for people to look at and say "damn, he's got the life". The truth is, I didn't have the life, not the way I pictured it and felt as complete as I should have. It's always easy to think those things are the "end all, be all" of dreams and expectations, and they almost were. At the core of every "thing" there has to be one very simple yet complex addition, one in which, all things being equal, has to be given and received. Love; unending, unwavering, unfettered, unconditional, love. There's no room for the "but's" in love, like "I love my house, but I hate the location", that's not love. That's accepting compromise and I've done it my whole life in an effort to not be let down, to not fail. We've all done it, we've all given way to accept the unacceptable from time to time. It's taken me years to realize that I've done it too often in spite of looking out for myself. I've done it to please other people, other women, friends, family, work. I've done it, because I was never convinced that I would meet my own expectations and truly have the picturesque vision of my dreams. Now, that being said, am I saying that I've finally faced down the problems in my own life and heart? Absolutely not, they are still as problematic today as they were last week or last month or even last year. Am I saying that I realize now that the relationships of the past were all wrong? Not for a second am I saying that. For every relationship that has started and ended, I've grown, learned more about being a man in a world full of assholes and douche bags, and I have spent the time dissecting why they ended. I am somewhat convinced that the line between reality and dreamland is fairly skewed and consistently works against us in relationships. Preconceived expectations aren't as possible as we wish they would be, and by no means should anyone settle on second place. God knows, I'm too damn competitive to have anything but the best, but sometimes what we see or perceive to be the best, is a pipe dream, an oasis in the fathoms of desolation that we think is the promised land. I can tell you first hand, from high school until my mid-twenties, every girl was that oasis, and I loved harder each time and fell harder each time and gave of myself more, each time. All for nothing more than a book full of memories and volumes upon volumes of lessons learned. At one point, I vowed to never go down that road again, never letting anyone close enough to have to go through that emotional roller coaster that I figured would inevitably put me back at the end of the line, to wait for my next ride.

If you asked me five months ago if I was right, I would have most certainly said yes. Yes, I'm back in line; alone and hurt and confused. I would have said everything I actually have said in this blog about it over the last five months, but I wouldn't change a thing. That vow to not get back on was one I'm happy to have broken, one that has provided me the greatest gift in the world and another massive volume of lessons learned with some insight into my head and heart that I possibly never would have known otherwise. I have moments where I wish that I could have skipped the last four plus years in that relationship, as if they'd never happened. I have times where I wish I had never met that certain someone, in hopes to escape the pain I feel today. Those moments, those times however, are nothing more than my internal "easy button" escape pod to avoiding the truth. That truth, that I loved unconditionally and unfettered and it wasn't enough. That truth that showed me first hand what it takes to be an amazing parent despite every challenge put in front of you, the same truth that showed me that I'm stronger than I thought I was and patience, be it a virtue or not, can be learned. It's the same truth, that has reminded me that it takes more than just patience and caring to love, it takes work. I've never thought it didn't require work, in fact I preached that more often than I ever should have had to, but it was worth it.

Although it's ended, over, finished, there will never be a time that I look back and wish that it had never been started in the first place. The spite that I've had fall from my tongue from time to time in a defensive fashion has never been encapsulated with true feelings in completion, except in that moment of weakness and despair with my back against a wall and wanting someone to hurt as bad as I did. Which of course, isn't love, it's anger and bitterness, and yes, I've found room for both inside this broken heart of my mine. This process of grief and coping has allowed certain things into me that I never wanted or needed and thus, I'm purging. Trying to put them out of my being and reaching to get my fingers on the handle of this roller coaster, as it's mine to drive.

My Way Home- Citizen Cope
Sometimes I miss a step
I stumble here and there
I'm findin' my way home
If I'm lost then I'll admit
Sometimes i plain forget
I'm findin' my way home
You can try and stand in my way
You can say what you're gonna say
But I'm finding my way home




Stay blessed-


*Post script-
I've been working on my book and think that this section has
a place, thoughts?*