Le Cadeau

Winter is slowly waltzing into October, despite every attempt the sun has been making to delay it. Even global warming can’t stop my windows from being covered in a layer of frost as I walked out to my truck before the sun was up this morning. I hate the cold, the season, the dying of leaves from the trees and the migration of water fowl to warmer climates. Of course, I do enjoy the smells that autumn brings and the slight nip in the air that makes the fireplace a welcome location in my living room. The leaves turning from green to red. The extra heavy sweater that made its way to the back of my closet rotation during the summer. I do find some enjoyment in the changing of the seasons. I am however, starting to spend some time thinking through the upcoming dilemma I have to face around the holidays. As if single parenthood wasn’t challenging enough from a day to day operational standpoint, figuring out the where’s and who’s for Christmas is giving me an ulcer.

For as long as I can remember, my family has always made Christmas a special time. From my earliest memories of having someone in a Santa suit showing up with a bag full of Hot Wheels to those early morning hours where my brother and I would start singing at the top of our lungs around 5 am, to wake my parents up so we could start opening presents, Christmas has always been about family and being together. In 32 years, there’s been only 2 Christmas mornings when I wasn’t present with my parents. This is where my struggle begins, as this being Jackson’s third Christmas of his life, I want him to have the same fond memories each and every year and begin building the same traditions that my mom and dad built for us kids. As I see it right now, that’s not a possibility in the same way it was mine. I know I’m not the only single parent in the world that has had to face down this dilemma, and I also know that Christmas gatherings aren’t the same for every family. For mine, it’s a big deal, and I want it to always be a big deal for Jackson. Maybe I’m selfish, but I can’t imagine ever having a Christmas morning without him, and I’m struggling with him ever having a Christmas morning without his parents, either of us, both of us. His mom is very understanding of this at this time in his life and fully expects that he and I will be traveling to Idaho for Christmas with my family, which is more than awesome. She didn’t have the same type of big deal that I have had and she wants him to have the type of memories that I’ve had with my family, this year. It’s a gift she’s giving me, and gave to me just over two years ago, whether she knows it or not. Undoubtedly though, there will be the conversation at some point a year from now, where she’ll want to be with him for that Christmas, leaving me without him next year and I cannot begin to explain the anxiety that immediately hits me in the chest. Well over a year from now and I’m already melancholy about the scenario. Can I repay the same gift?

Maybe that means I am as selfish as I think I am about my son and the experiences we share together. Maybe it really is a truth that I cannot face, the holding onto my ideal vision of what family really should be. Reality isn’t as cool as I want it to be and less than ideal. Why is it this way? Why can’t I just allow this to be what it is, two parents with equal moments of parenthood, equal desires for themselves and their child, separate? He deserves that, as do we, and yet, I don’t want to miss a thing, and I don’t want her to miss anything. Again, I know we’re not the only parents in the world who deal with this and there will be those of you that tell me it’ll all work itself out, it’s just a part of life. Well friends, it’s not the parts that I signed up for, it’s not the reality that I asked for, but it is what was dealt to me. So I will deal with it, as will they. We get to, not have to, get to. It’s something my old therapist used to explain to me time and time again. We don’t “have” to do anything, we “get” to. You don’t have to do laundry, you are fortunate enough to get to have laundry to do. I wasn’t a subscriber to the thought process for a long time, it took some serious coaching to get me there. One day it just sank in and I’m thankful it did, made these predicaments much easier to “get” to deal with. I don’t want to though and that is an entirely different mindset. I don’t do things I don’t want to do but do things that are less than ideal for the sake of my son, and his mother. It doesn’t make it easier and it doesn’t take away my distress or pain or emptiness. Yes, I guess I am selfish.

Started learning “The Gift” last night in my weekly guitar lesson. The lyric of the song is haunting and so personally close to me that I’m always amazed that someone else found the words that fit before I could put pen to paper. Don’t read too much into this as I swear I’m doing ok. The side of me that thinks like this isn’t running the show, but can be found from time to time, late at night, alone, thinking in the dark. Shaun Morgan just has a way of peering into my head and heart, way too often it seems. If you don’t own a ‘Seether’ album, go get one… “One Cold Night” is a great starting point…

Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
I'm right on the wrong side of it all

I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
'till I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
I'm right on the wrong side of it all

Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need
I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
I'm right on the wrong side of it all
Now I'm ashamed of this
I Am So Ashamed Of This
Now I'm so ashamed of me
I Am So Ashamed Of Me

Stay blessed-