Tinkered

I haven’t written in a long time. I’ve  just have been busier in the past few months than I can remember being in a very long time. There’s a weird discomfort that’s come over me today that has compelled me to sit down for a few moments and just compose something. I cannot get my arms around it, this feeling of impending gloom or sadness. I don’t know what’s driving it or possibly digging it up. I’ve been stoked on things in life for a while now, haven’t been feeling that depression or anxiousness that pushes me into my shell. I’m a little concerned that maybe, I’ve been ignoring the things that used to eat at me, remaining blind to the parts of life that hurt, and maybe I’ve just haven’t been as happy as I thought I was. That scares me. I don’t think so, I don’t feel as though I’ve been lying to myself about being stoked on me. I don’t tell myself stories and build up my own ego for the sake of getting through the days, that’s just not me, not anymore. Not in a long time. If you’ve read my words over the years, you know intimately that I have no problem sharing my shortcomings, my weaknesses, my fears and feelings. You know that I am proud, yet humbled, and I’m human, hurt like anyone else, I just share it with perfect strangers.For the last 4 or 5 months, I’ve been beyond it; beyond feelings of self doubt, beyond creating explosive situations that bring me to tears. I put aside those insecurities, those things that cause me hurt and suffering, at my own hands, and moved forward.

I haven’t cried in a long time, yet, I haven’t had any pain in which to bring about the tears. Things have been exceptional; work, life, family and friends. As much as work can be exceptional, maybe more so, busy and chaotic and challenging. Food for my professional soul. I’ve spent time travelling for business, seeing friends out of state, going to sporting events, all thanks to work. Not entirely a bad gig! My life outside of work has been enriched by great friends, an amazing child and the satisfaction of being able to provide. I’ve seen my family, some I hadn’t seen in 5 years, and spent time at breakfast and a wedding in the past month. Oh wait, I did cry. At my cousins wedding reception, near the cake, was a picture of my grandmother, along with others passed, as a “wish you were here” shrine of sorts. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I couldn’t hold back how much I still miss her. It reminded me why I hadn’t seen “Aunt Mary” or “Uncle Jim” in 5 years. The last time I had seen them was at her funeral, a hard reminder to say the least. There was some comfort in hugging “Aunt Mary”, she’s my grandma’s sister, and hugging her reminded me so much of hugging Grandma. It was nice. Wrote some new tunes with kid brother that hopefully he can polish into something more than a horribly sung scratch track, it makes me miss living in the same house.

I’ve spent some decent time with friends, never as much as I’d like, definitely not as much as it used to be, but some decent time. We’ve tinkered on my motorcycle, watched movies, shared meals and beverages, laughed ourselves silly, hugged and held on tight.

the awesomeness abounds, and yet…

I started writing this a few hours ago and reading through the words here, I’m already feeling lighter from my memory flashback moment, just wish it was a pinpoint reason for this feeling…