Walking

It’s been a little bit since I’ve posted anything. There’s many reasons for this, mainly just finding time to ensure I am expressing things with the attention that I feel they deserve, rather than sit down and spew out a bunch of shit just for the sake of posting something. I’ve actually been swamped in the business end, and the free time away from work has been spent trying to be an awesome dad and friend. I have been fortunate enough to spend countless hours building multitudes of various train tracks and configurations with my two year old. I never had a train track growing up, or at least I don’t remember one, and I don’t remember really wanting one, but I’m finding that for whatever reason watching a train go around and around and around, is actually a lot of fun. Or possibly, it’s watching the look of amazement on my son’s face as he uses the remote control to determine the direction of movement, and loading up a single engine with every possible cargo container, to see just how far he can push it’s abilities before it can’t make it up Timber Mountain. It’s pretty funny, he’s now repeating me as he loads them up, “It’s too much” he tells me as he makes the attempt on the plastic tracks, up the mountain pass. When it doesn’t make it, he pulls off a cargo car, resets the trains and tries again. I swear I can see the light bulb go on from time to time. Once he’s off to bed, or with his mother, I’ve been holding on tight to my guitars and actual pen and paper, writing new music and simply just practicing my new found love of the guitar. I often wish I would have learned to play many many years ago, as the level of suck in my abilities would definitely be much lower. As well, the song writing process would go so much faster. None the less, I’m enjoying making music on my own, even if it’s rough and will need some polishing. That’s what my brother is for, right? I’ve also put a lot of attention into the book project, busting out another 50 pages in the last week and feeling like once I have the bulk of the timeline together, I can start picking and choosing and start rewrites. As long as I can keep the same passion and fervor in the words as I felt in the living of it all, I might actually have something to be proud of. Then it’ll be up to someone else to decide if it’s print worthy. No qualms from me there, it is what it is, right?

It’s actually been so long since I’ve posted, that I actually had to go back and look at my last piece just to remind me where I left off. Considering it was after my hell trip home from Dallas, there’s a lot that’s gone on personally. And as with every choice I make, there are consequences, some of which I accept wholly. There’s been some other interactions that I didn’t know what to feel or have any clue exactly how I’d feel until the inevitable “feeling” that took place following. I should explain, and never leave things here as vague as I am right now. I just am still battling in my head and heart with myself, not to mention, anyone that has been involved in said feelings. See, there are things I don’t spew out, mainly in an effort to shield others who don’t want their laundry aired across the interweb for anyone and everyone to read. And as much as my writing isn’t about them, it’s only fair to ensure their anonymity. That being said, my head is everywhere it probably should be staying away from for my own good, and potentially theirs. I think about so many different possibilities, so many different roads I could be traveling, and they all come to an abrupt halt when I consider what would be in my rearview mirror, and yeah, I’m still struggling with that. This tree of mine has so many roots tangled up in the past that as I cut them, one by one, piece by piece, the dying leaves are covering the choices I may need to travel. Each branch leaving another scar. I feel blinded, yet so aware of the impending pain I’m going to cause, to me and to that future out of arms reach. No matter which road I take, someone is getting hurt, and although the degrees of that pain will vary, it’s not any easier, and it’s not clear to me which path is the right one. I’ve never been a calculating person when it comes to my heart, I’ve always let it develop as it happens. Sure, I’ve put up walls and guarded what I could, held onto ideals and counter argued each passionate choice, but rarely let logic interfere with what the heart has lobbied for. The landscape has changed a lot for me since the times I could allow such a bold spirited campaign run frivolously, it’s more serious now. There’s hearts at stake, and not just mine. There’s someone else’s to consider, and how any road will jell with theirs impacts the most important life I have to protect and teach. Every choice has a consequence and at some point they have to be made, acted upon, lived out. It just doesn’t feel like any time may be the right time, sense of urgency doesn’t exist for me right now. Some will argue that you can’t fight what is to be, and they may be right. It’s just going to be my foot on the accelerator and my hands on the wheel determining where I drive, in my time. Maybe I miss out on something, or everything, so be it. This is the most rational me I’ve seen looking back in the mirror in many many years. Good things come to those who wait, right? Yes, I’m summing things up with a ketchup catch-phrase.

Found a new band I’m digging yesterday, completely by accident. While I was tripping through other band pages looking at tour dates and trying to check things off my unwritten bucket list, I found Lo-Pro. A newer band signed to Aaron Lewis's label. Check them out.

Today is Thankgiving, 2009. Many people know how I feel about this "holiday" in general, and I'll keep my feelings about this PR coverup to myself and sinply say, Happy Thanksgiving to you. I hope you find yourself surrounded by people who know you and love you and are thankful that you are in their lives. I wish nothing but the best for you and if you're reading this, I am thankful for that. This day always makes me stop and think about the blessings that I have in my own life. Today, however, doesn't really feel like that though. I'm struggling today, honestly struggling, to keep my feet on the ground and the tears out of my eyes. As I mentioned earlier in this post, the hurt I'm causing myself is out of my control as I miss so many things that are making it hard to breathe and even pretend to be happy. It's much harder than that, more complicated, less thankful and more painful. I'm unraveled today, coming apart at every seam, and so I'm sitting here, writting to you in an effort to purge this unease, this discontent, this whatever it is that's come over me today. I might just go back to bed and be thankful I have one to go to.

Stay Blessed-