I've been on the brink of tears for about 24 hours now, and I'm not sure where it's coming from. It's an overwhelming feeling, like damned water on the verge of overflowing it's levee. As much as it may seem that I enjoy the interior torment, i promise that I do not. Yes, it occasionally fuels these rants, er, writings I pen, but trying to decipher the "why" when there isn't anything weighing heavy makes me a little nutty.

We went to church yesterday, it was the first time Jamie and I had ever gone to church together and Jackson's first time ever being in a church. I'm debating if my attendance has been the tear driver, an overwhelming guilt of not attending a Sunday service in over 10 years? If my grandmother was still here she would tell me it's God's presence returning to my heart, although I didn't know I'd ever asked him to leave. In fact, I'm pretty solidly sold on the fact that his presence in my heart, and head, is what has kept me alive all of these years. I've done some pretty dumb shit, outright stupid at times, and through it all I have still been blessed with a pretty awesome life. Who can say they been in the bottom of the 9th, staring at the end of the season, down 3 runs and knocking the ball out of the park to live another day? The self generated hand grenade factory went out of business awhile back and I do believe that it was the grace of God (along with a good therapist and the love of a very patient woman) that has led me to this place of awesomeness. Again though, where is this welling of emotion coming from?

I had another thought this morning how unfair goodbye's are, especially if you never got one. Pat's been gone now for a few years and yet everyday still feels like it just happened. I wonder if I'm the only one still dealing with his death, seems like it. Maybe I should be over it but not a day goes by that I don't look for his advice and his laughter. How is it that people like that just go? Wish I could be an arrow shot into the nights sky and pierce that fallen star that is my friend and stop that decisive moment. That moment past, but it catches up with me everyday and I can't help but acknowledge it.

The Seahawks lost again last night, 1 and 7! Holmgren's last season here and this is how they send him off? That really does make me sad but not enough to cry, I'm over it and just keep hoping they get healthy and salvage some sense of pride through the rest of the season.

So there I am, still not sure this rainy Monday morning why I feel like crying. Part of me thinks it's a combination of the above, and pieces of my previous post, that are all combining for a recipe of waterworks. Now, if I can just maintain until after work.

Have a great day kids