Sit the Hell Down Already

Quite frequently I find myself flying, mainly for business purposes, and I've noticed an epidemic that is becoming worse and worse each time I travel.

The media and airlines have somehow convinced Americans that no one is flying anymore as well... That's bullshit as I stand in line to get through security, only to consistently get pulled aside, strip searched, cavity checked and then sent on my way limping toward my gate. The walk to the gate is always a little bit longer when you've recently had someone's fingers up your ass looking for drugs or bombs or whatever else they may think you've shoved up there to travel with... But I digress

My issues really come from the boarding and unboarding experience. You get to your gate, have a seat cause your ass hurts still from the previous moments rectal exam, and you wait. You wait and wait and wait... Announcement comes over the Public Address system, barely audible, and a mass migration of folks sitting and waiting all jump off their fat asses and start pushing toward the gate. I see this everytime I fly. The cattle drive to board the plane almost makes me feel like I have to get up with them and stand there waiting instead of resting my very sore rear end. So I get off my tired sore ass and stand there and wait, constantly being pushed forward by the other heffers behind me. On especially hot days, that usually happen in Newark and Phoenix airports, when the AC isn't working, many of these larger folks actually smell like cattle, quite surreal... But I digress. So this drive begins moving forward, people acting like if they don't hurry up they may not make their flights. Yeah Right, you're pushing me forward so we can go from standing in one line to standing in another one on the jetway.That is quite simply because the assholes ahead of us cannot seem to find where on their ticket the seat assignment is and the corresponding number on each row will eventually match up! Seriously folks, figure it out and sit your ass down! Mine still hurts and I would appreciate you getting the fuck out of my way so that I can sit and watch you fuckers roam around aimlessly trying to squeeze a full size suitcase into a full overhead baggage area!

That's my next big gripe; people not checking their luggage and thinking it'll fit overhead. It goes hand in hand with how long it takes to board and unboard the plane. Listen folks, this isn't the era where luggage disappears all of the time, unless you've packed a lot of drugs, guns or bombs... Your shitty knock-off Louis Vuitton luggage will be waiting for your pretentious ass in the baggage claim area, you don't need to carry it on so everyone can know you're a phoney. We get that by your matching handbag, wallet and cell phone case you're carrying on as well. Seriously, check that shit, no one is gonna steal it, everyone else can afford it as well, check it! Now, if your seat number is in the front of the plane, put your shit in the overhead compartment near or directly above your head. Don't put it way in the back. No one is going to let you walk back there once the plane is done taxiing back to the gate, we all want off the plane and are not allowing you to hold us up. Make it easy, check anything that doesn't fit under your seat so we don't have to spend an extra hour waiting for you!!!

Now, when the plane gets back to the gate and it's time to get off, GET THE FUCK OFF. You've already had at least 4 or 5 hours to stare at the seat in front of you and if you don't already know the person sitting next to you, now is not the time to introduce yourself. Way to waste all of that time buried in the Wall Street Journal jackass, we still aren't impressed that you can read and guaranteed my Playboy read was much more interesting anyway. Why didn't you say hello earlier? I really do not care to know you now, nor did I before or during the flight, but now just is not the time. Just get off the plane, I have to pee now.