Take This

Well it was a weekend, wish I could say everything went to plan. It was tough, tough on me, tough on Jackson, and honestly, just tough. I guess you don't understand tough until your child responds to nearly every question with a "no" and especially when 'No' is not an answer you're used to hearing or even accept as an answer. In my day to day business life, that's not acceptable to a completely acceptable question or solution and such, I am not to accepting of hearing or being told 'no'. So when you're own child starts answering "no" to every suggestion and ask you make of him, it gets beyond frustrating. I have to take a few deep breaths at times before I respond. I hate this temper that I've spent years keeping in check and learning how to think before responding. It gets tougher when you're on less than optimal sleep due to the previous evenings sleeplessness of your child. The last 2 nights were much tougher than normal, and the more tired he becomes as the hours pass, the more "fun" he transitions to. It was into the 9 o'clock hour the past two nights, 2 hours later than normal, although I've noticed that bed time is slipping into the 7:45-8:00 pm hours as he gets older. Unfortunately, that's not keeping him from waking up at 6:30 every morning. Oh the fun of toddlers, this is just the beginning of his independent years. He'll be 22 months this coming Saturday, where has the time run off to?

Saturday, Jackson arrived at my place around noon after a morning with mom and the Little Gym. We did some lunch and took a nap. From there, we headed out to my old stomping grounds at the lake house on Lake Sammamish for some fun in the sun with the boys for part two of Brent's Bachelor party. His new life jacket was waiting his arrival and he fell in love. Mainly due to the rad hot rod on the front and back of it, but I think in part because it's a real big kid jacket. He's loving stuff that big kids get to wear. We hung at the lake with the guys for a little while, watched boats and seaplanes and "big kids" jumping and being thrown into the lake. It was good to say hi, slap some hands and chat for a bit with the guys. It's pretty obvious that I'm a dad first these days, such a weird shift for me when I'm with this group of guys who have always known me to be the first one chugging a beer, first one in the water and the first one talking shit. That's always been me, I wonder what they see? Did some exploring at Ross through the toddler section and the toys, of course, didn't find much but the new DC kicks I found little man are pretty sweet. God only knows why I think white shoes for a rough and tumble little guy are going to stay white. That's probably why he hasn't worn them yet, right?

Saturday night (Sunday morning) found Jackson at my bedside crying about 2 am with Tigger in one hand, a binky in his mouth, and his green blankie in the other. Wet diaper in tow, got him changed and into my bed where sleeping 4 (Jackson, Bean, Tigger and me) is becoming a trend I don't mind although restful sleep is out the window. So, I slept until 6:30 am when it was apparently time to play! I think I had finally made it to bed about 1:00 am, such a dumb ass for thinking he might sleep in once on a Sunday morning. Apparently in everything I'm losing, my brain is going too. And with this move, my coffee machine hasn't made the trek yet so it's 6:30 in the morning, I've had maybe 2 hours of real sleep, and there's no "go juice" to accompany Barney and Friends...Don't read more into this than is really here, I love my son and all his intricacies, I'd never change a thing about him in my life. There's just a few slight modifications that I would make to his sleeping patterns and reasoning.

Sunday was off to shot gun start and with trying to maintain consciousness in my sleep deprived state was becoming more difficult, we grabbed Bean and headed out to get some coffee and hit the park. Slide after slide, chain ladders and false ship wheels, this kid has no limits to fear. He's go go go right off the bat and the purity in the laughter of a child is the sweetest sound on a Sunday morning. An hour and a half at the park and some minor boo boo's is enough to induce a coma for most kids, except mine. He's ready for any adventure and that includes watching his dad try to make Mac N Cheese without all the proper tools. My kitchen is still lacking some needed utensils and oh did I ever take for granted the real purpose of a collinder and measuring cups. Have you ever tried to empty a pot of boiling water from noodles with a square plate? I can say I have now as I emptied the water from the pot like skimming off the fat from cooking hamburger in a frying pan, except square plates don't really hold back as much of the noodles as one would hope. It was an exercise in futility and eventually I won. Only to realize that 1/4 cup of milk was going to be eyeballed. There's nothing wrong with runny mac n cheese, right?

Nap time lasted an hour instead of 2 or more and Jack and I headed to the pool. He's been in swim lessons now for the past week and his kicking and comfort with the pool has improved two fold. He's really starting to get the kicking part down and seems to enjoy it, at least for 5 min. Jackson is really good at letting you know when he's had enough and swimming in the pool is no exception. In an instant he can go from laughing his head off in one breath to screaming it off in the next. The crying is something I'm still getting used to, many times it can be turned back into laughter pretty easily but when he has an audience comprised of relaxing sunbathers, there's no turning point. It's on and so there we are, leaving. Headed back to the confines of the apartment where Barney and Friends are an "on-demand" button away and his binky and trucks are at his fingertips. Comfort for my little guy.

So now it's Monday and I dropped him off at daycare, crying as I got into my truck to head to work. I won't see him for the next 2 days and it eats me up. I'd gladly give up my personal time and rest to never have a day without my little boy. I know he's safe and bringing joy and laughter to his mommy and getting to share his same "no's" and independence with her. It's just not any easier being without both of them. As I write this morning, these lyrics are pounding my heart to the point that it may flee my chest at any moment as the tears are building up behind the dam I've been building to get me through the daily operations of business. I don't know how to keep taking this everyday


I can't believe
How far I've come
Now watch me stumble
And come undone
If you take away
These memories
Then all that's left
Is just me

'Cause I don't want this
And I don't need this
And I don't feel this
It seems that even though she's with me
I can't shake this
And I can't fake this
And I won't take this
Anymore

So you choose
To break my heart
Should have seen this
From the start
I'm haunted by
Your apathy
All that's left
Is killing me

'Cause I don't want this
And I don't need this
And I don't feel this
It seems that even though she's with me
I can't shake this
And I can't fake this
And I won't take this
Anymore

Do you believe
That the way you choose to be
I've always had to see
The brighter side of this so I don't lose my faith
Now the sun has gone away
It's getting colder every day
So before I freeze to death
There's something I should say

I don't want this
And I don't need this
And I don't feel this
It seems that even though she's with me
I can't shake this
And I can't fake this
And I won't take this
Though you say you understand
You still won't face this
Can't erase this
I won't embrace this
Anymore

Stay blessed

Mmmmk, it's Friday

So no one needs to be reminded of the end of the work week, but I do. It means I have the next two days to be productive; have some fun, catch up with friends, get some stuff done at the place, and most important, hang out with my little man. It's also 2 days to reflect on things, a weekend of introspection, which if you haven't participated in for yourself lately, you probably should. It's well spent time.

I find a as many ways as possible to accomplish this. Most times, I write it out, whether it's here or in a written journal, I try and get it all out in words and make sense of it later. If you only knew the number of times I write something here and have to go back and clean up all of the nonsense crazy talk. I figure anything this public should have some creative limitation, otherwise you guys would be sending the men in white coats to find me for some further evaluation! No thanks. I like to think I'm a fairy well adjusted individual who is passionate about improving his situation and focused on dealing with the skeletons in the closet.

I had a very lengthy, very personal conversation last night with the most unexpected person, out of the blue. Unplanned and unexpected is always prefered for me. This life is so crazy and semi-predictable at times, that the unexpected is always a welcome change, at least in this instance. The conversation was heavy and left me feeling so thankful for having the friends in my life that I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with. As well, as honest as my friends are, it's beyond belief to me, that people see things you don't realize they are seeing and have real true feelings about. The perceptions we discussed were pretty spot on and some I hadn't consiously considered. Talk about awesome...to you I say thank you for calling me and thank you for checking in, I guess I didn't fully realize your awesomeness, you're rad.

Let's see, Mother Love Bone, Slightly Stoopid and Flogging Molly on the iPod this morning. Fairly random playlist of sorts, all with the same message, "Live Life". It's a short amount of time we get and the clock has been ticking. The weekend is consisting of time in the gym, guitar practice (after my lesson last night it's becoming obvious I don't practice enough) and a possible road trip out to Port Townsend to see my cousin and her family. That's just Saturday, and we'll see what Sunday looks like, hopefully the sun stays out and we can hit the pool.Of course, if you want to hang, call me

Enjoy the end of the week, stay blessed

Tuesday Train Ride

If life was easy, would it be worth living? I've been writing a lot of music lately as it seems that the only time I feel like I have something personal to say is when there's some tragedy or devastation in my life. I've been praying more than I think I've prayed in the last 10 years, and often times I ask, "Why can't this be easy? When is it my turn to have something right?" I don't expect that those questions are to be answered in a way I'll ever understand or even what I want to hear. Often times, we tell people what they want to hear versus what they need to hear. I make a valiant attempt in that situation to always be truthful and say it how it is, much to the chagrin of the questioner. But that is what's expected right? Truth

My youth pastor from way back in the day at Boise Friends is now the pastor of a church outside of Houston called Friendswood Friends and thanks to the powerful medium of the internet, I get to have my Sunday Sermon every Tuesday via podcast. Check it out at http://www.friendswoodfriends.com/podcasts.htm or via iTunes. I suggest going back as far as possible and listen to David talk. He's an awesome human being, a great adviser and through everything, an amazing friend. He's an old soul to be sure, traditional in his beliefs but progressive enough to be fair, which is not the norm in most churches today.

The Transplants and Augustana on the iPod this morning, great balance of angst and softness. Yeah, I could use a cuddle, I'm not too proud to admit it.

The other music playing heavy on me today is turning into the soundtrack of my life. Aaron Lewis acoustic is pure and spot on and if you think Staind has turned a corner from the hard rock band that they once were and mellowed out, you need to have a listen to the latest album and beg me to burn you some Aaron solo stuff. I think the only difference between he and I right now, is he smokes an ounce a day, but our hearts and minds are in the same places. Give him a listen and know that emotion you hear while cuddled into your couch is the same place I turn to. There's some comfort in sorrow and well, it's truth. It's where you are, it's where I am.

Stay blessed----

A week

I've had a week in the new place, it's not getting any easier, it doesn't feel like a home. I'm trying though, every day trying to add to it, make it comfortable, or as comfortable as it can become. It's an apartment, and it's apparent that I'm not into social living. Hearing footsteps above my head, doors slamming and floorboard heaters. I can't bitch though, it's a nice little community. It's gated so the riff raft stay out. Had Guinness with me on Sunday night, came into work and got a phone call about 12:30 to tell me that he hadn't stopped barking since 6:00 am and I needed to take care of it. Of course, I rode the train in so it was a $70.00 cab ride back to my truck before I could go get him and take him back to the house. Bean stayed with me last night, and she's at the place today. I didn't repeat the mistake, I drove into work today so we'll see if I get a 12:30 phone call about her. It's nice having at least one of the dogs there when Jackson isn't. Talk about a hand full though when there's a dog to get outside while trying to get breakfast together for Jack and get him ready for the day. Gone, for now, are the days of just opening up the back door and sending the dogs out to potty while going on about the morning. That'll be nice to regain from an efficiency and ease of use perspective. At least when he's not there, it's easy to put on a leash and go for a small walk.

Been listening to Street Sweeper Social Scene and the new Incubus record. Digging on both records right now, especially the acoustic version of "A Certain Shade of Green" from the debut album, great version.

It's quite different when I'm the only heartbeat in that place, it's nice having something there that needs me and wants to be near me. God knows I don't even want to be near me at times, something I need to work out in a session. Life is a weird thing though, the things we do alone versus who we are with others. My grandma once told me "Who we are in the dark, where no one else see's us, is who we really are." Underneath all of that outward persona and the mask we choose to wear, can be a scary face to, um, face. I look in the mirror and ask all sorts of questions, sometimes answered, and sometimes the questions are harder to ask than are hearing the answers that you know inevitably you have to deal with. And of course, I have a really hard time letting go of the hurt, the loss, the grief. I talk about it in this blog all the time, the personal hand grenades that explode my heart and shatter my spirit, only just as a reminder that I am still here. Tougher than I knew, resilient to the point that the mask can come off long enough to let people in close enough to understand. No walls at this point in my life, I've kept them really high for so long that when they tumbled down this time, I don't want to rebuild them. I've worn my heart on my sleeves all these years and it makes no sense to try and hide it now.

The Cats out of the bag...

I've been spending a decent amount of time over the past few weeks trying to find a way to talk about this with those of you that this is for. I've probably crafted 10-15 different emails, picked up the phone and started to dial, only to hang up, and started to say something directly and then stopped myself before uttering anything on this topic. I just couldn't find the right words, and when the words started to come, so did the tears and the emotions and the fear that I've failed. As well, in the middle of all of this, some of you were living in the brightest moments of your lives, getting married, getting engaged and preparing to have babies. I didn't want to play any role in diminishing your moments with mine. So when the words aren't enough to cover it all, keep writing.

This morning, I write this with much anxiety and sadness. Last Friday I moved out of my home and into an apartment nearby my house in order to be close to my son and be available if something were to happen and Jamie needed me. See, the thing is, Jamie and I haven't been working for awhile now, despite my best attempts to "fix" us and what I indirectly knew was wrong with us. Since Jackson came into our world, there's been 1 single focus, him. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, as a parent your child becomes the number 1 priority. The downfall in that is the focus of you as a couple takes a back seat and for us, it fell off the radar. We haven't been the awesome Jamie and Ryan that we once were in a very long time. I can't say that we did everything we could have to be better, there were things we could have done better or at all. We just didn't

I'm a firm believer that God will never give me more than I can handle at one time and right now, he's pushing me harder than ever. Through everything that I've faced in my lifetime, I don't think anything has ever hit me this hard or hurt this much, but I know this is what needs to happen. Time apart for some introspection and some me time.

So, as you read this, I ask for one thing, and that is your prayers and your love and support that has been ever present in our lives as friends and my family away from family. I need that more than ever, as does she. She's such an awesome woman and I am still deeply tangled up in her, that won't ever change. Whether we change the things about us that have fallen apart is left to us to work through and only time can tell us where our roads lead. For now, we have separate places and are doing our best to be awesome parents and people, separate but together. If your first inclination is to pick up the phone and reach out today, please hold back until later tonight. Jackson and I have plans and of course I'll be working my little arse off today. Hopefully I'll see a lot of you this weekend and we can hug like never before.

I love you all and thank you for being my friends and accepting me as I am, even with my faults and quirks. You're the people that have kept me going for all the years.
Ryan

GFY

I was shot out of a cannon this morning, well maybe not straight out of bed, but as soon as I got out of the shower... It's a Wednesday, just like any other Wednesday, or any other normal work day. Nothing crazy on my calendar, no out of town guests, no insane weather pattern or comets flying too close to the earth's rotation. A Wednesday like any other and yet, I'm on fire. Walking with a purpose through downtown and the whole time thinking "GFY" to nearly every person who crossed my path between the train station and my office. Even in my office, all I can think to just about everyone is "GFY, for reals...", even people I like and especially those I can't stand. I haven't taken my headphones off since I've been in my building and I couldn't wait to hit my facebook profile and update my status to say "Ryan says Happy GFY Day".

Now really, do you have to ask? Seriously, you don't know? If I really do have to explain than I think it's important that you spend a lot more time considering the author and the mood expressed within this little rant. EVERYONE has been annoying this morning (with the exception of my beautiful family), up to and including the people at daycare, the coffee stand ditz, the asshole in the POS Toyota Corolla that drove 30 in a 40 on a 2 lane road between daycare and the train station, the lady who gets off at the same place every morning that I do that seriously tapped my shoulder to tell me she was getting off (I just looked at her with the GFY face and turned my back to her), the 4 women smokers outside of Starbucks on 2nd and Seneca who insist on spreading out their fat asses and clogging up the entire sidewalk with disgusting smoke and even more insulting, the look of entitlement that is smeared across their caked-on post-menopausal make-up faces... The only real sense of joy this morning came when I got to 1st and Seneca and witnessed a taxi and a relatively similar POS Toyota Corolla stuck in the intersection with a city bus bearing down on them, horns ablaze. I think all the assholes that can't wait for the next green light deserve a good ear lashing from a city bus when they leave the ass end of their POS car out in the intersection, and the city busses don't give two shits, they will let you know it, and I love that!

So again, I ask, do I really need to explain the acronym? If the answer is yes, consider this my response, GFY, Seriously... Happy Wednesday

A Monday, dull shade of sad

There's an inherent darkness that follows my mood on Monday's. I've never quite been able to get my hands on it, I think my shrink would say that I set myself up for it and she may be right. There's something calming about laying on my own grenade, at least I know what the results will be rather than rolling the dice and allowing some other source determine my mood. She would also tell me that we, as people, have the ultimate control over how we feel. "No one else can determine your happiness or sadness" she's been known to utter. To this, I roll my eyes, as I know that I should pick how I feel like a tie from the closet, but the thing is, the tie should match the shirt, the belt, socks, you get the picture. If your heart hurts when you open the closet door, no matter what you want to pick out, the only color available is a dull shade of sad. So really, what choice is there? That's my Monday's, choice less-sad and amazed.

So the next question I ask myself is always, "why are you sad" and Damn it all, if I only knew. There's a lot of things to be sad about that haunt me everyday but rarely do they take over, except on Monday's. I let them, to remind me of what I'm missing and not to ever take it for granted that amazing people come and go. Hold on to the amazing as if your life depends on them. There's days where I know that mine did, they saved me enough times, and I couldn't do the same. Maybe that's the point, you can't save them all, might not ever be able to save any of them. Is that guilt or remorse or simply just missing the part of them that filled a part of my life that simply cannot go on without them in it and that's the part that screams on the street every Monday morning as I walk out of the bus tunnel and into the dark and windy cold of the city. I've had years to deal with these lost ones and everyday is the same feelings. Makes one wonder, will anyone feel this same dull shade of sad when I'm gone? I'm not looking for that answer, but God I hope that no one else close to me ever goes through the consistency in which the sadness crashes and learning how to navigate the overwhelming chasm of missing loves is an unreachable goal. You just learn how to keep going on and keeping the ghosts at bay 6 days a week, which is about the best I can hope for.

Smile like you mean it

I cried, I can admit that. I got teary in the moment, knowing that the ceiling had been broken. That we as a people had ascended above color and race, finally. It wasn't uncontrollable crying like Jesse Jackson, it was a few tears of joy and relief and knowing that this campaign and it's daily struggle was finally over and resulted in the best possible outcome for our country.

Today however, I am extremely saddened and disappointed. I'm friends with many different thinkers, a wide array of opinions and experiences, various lifestyles and geographies. I'm a tolerant guy who can usually agree to disagree if I can't be persuaded, which I'll admit, rarely happens, but it's not out of the realm of possibilities. Many of my friends are also friends with each other. The last few weeks have been tense between the various thought processes; left, right and in between, and passion has not been in short supply. I've had phone calls and emails and IM conversations that felt like food poisoning leaving me with a stomach ache and a broken heart. If there's anything I want to be remembered for in that last moment, is that I was a true friend; who loved and supported through the good, the bad and indifferent. And despite our differing opinions, ideals and political ideology, at the end of the day I was your friend and you were mine. I'm watching some of these crumble before my eyes. In the day and age of instant commentary despite distance and geography, having a say within 2 seconds of the last comment is allowing that same passion to be misdirected and putting friend against friend. It's ugly and it's sad.

I've been a strong INFORMED Democrat and began working on campaigns during the first Clinton run, long before I could vote. I did my research, found my way, on my own. Like all of my friends, I had the opportunity to choose for myself, for my family, and for my country. I'm overjoyed that my opinions and my voice was shared by the majority of this country this time. I've spent the last 2 presidential terms feeling much like my friends who don't share my opinion do now; upset and worried. To them I say this, I don't know what the future will hold. I know the direction and I pray, much like you do, that the direction and the destination deliver this country to a better place than it was on Monday, for you and me, and our children. There is no glory or honor in tearing one another down over this election, over someone's opinions.

Take care of each other

Falls Here, Cozy time

I don't know exactly when it happened, but it seems like overnight the leaves changed colors and started falling to the ground. Nearly every morning, I pass a grandmother and her 2 year old granddaughter heading up Seneca as I make my way down to my office. She has to be one of the happiest babies, always smiling as she walks uphill in the city holding tight to grandma's hand. This morning her smile was bigger than ever as her free hand proudly displayed a giant yellow maple leaf for all passers by to see. She waved it at me and laughed, which of course made me smile. Not a bad way to start the day. Happy Thursday

I've been on the brink of tears for about 24 hours now, and I'm not sure where it's coming from. It's an overwhelming feeling, like damned water on the verge of overflowing it's levee. As much as it may seem that I enjoy the interior torment, i promise that I do not. Yes, it occasionally fuels these rants, er, writings I pen, but trying to decipher the "why" when there isn't anything weighing heavy makes me a little nutty.

We went to church yesterday, it was the first time Jamie and I had ever gone to church together and Jackson's first time ever being in a church. I'm debating if my attendance has been the tear driver, an overwhelming guilt of not attending a Sunday service in over 10 years? If my grandmother was still here she would tell me it's God's presence returning to my heart, although I didn't know I'd ever asked him to leave. In fact, I'm pretty solidly sold on the fact that his presence in my heart, and head, is what has kept me alive all of these years. I've done some pretty dumb shit, outright stupid at times, and through it all I have still been blessed with a pretty awesome life. Who can say they been in the bottom of the 9th, staring at the end of the season, down 3 runs and knocking the ball out of the park to live another day? The self generated hand grenade factory went out of business awhile back and I do believe that it was the grace of God (along with a good therapist and the love of a very patient woman) that has led me to this place of awesomeness. Again though, where is this welling of emotion coming from?

I had another thought this morning how unfair goodbye's are, especially if you never got one. Pat's been gone now for a few years and yet everyday still feels like it just happened. I wonder if I'm the only one still dealing with his death, seems like it. Maybe I should be over it but not a day goes by that I don't look for his advice and his laughter. How is it that people like that just go? Wish I could be an arrow shot into the nights sky and pierce that fallen star that is my friend and stop that decisive moment. That moment past, but it catches up with me everyday and I can't help but acknowledge it.

The Seahawks lost again last night, 1 and 7! Holmgren's last season here and this is how they send him off? That really does make me sad but not enough to cry, I'm over it and just keep hoping they get healthy and salvage some sense of pride through the rest of the season.

So there I am, still not sure this rainy Monday morning why I feel like crying. Part of me thinks it's a combination of the above, and pieces of my previous post, that are all combining for a recipe of waterworks. Now, if I can just maintain until after work.

Have a great day kids

Welcome Back

So I've been thinking about writing again for a while now. I guess it's odd to have to think about doing it and actually needing to plan to do it. That is my reality though right now; if it's not planned for, I'm not doing it. Not that I may not want to do it or that or the other, just that I don't have any time to do it. Thus begins this new ongoing dialogue I'll be having here, assuming I can set aside the time to consistently do it.


I quit my job 6 weeks ago, shocking I know. 10 years of history became nothing more than a giant highlight on my resume, and a revelation that I hadn't given much credence to prior to leaving. I spent nearly 1/3 of my life at the same company, something I thought I would never do. I can honestly say though, there are a lot of things that have happened that I said "never" to. The list is long and unless I run out of other clever things to write about, I'll spare you from reading them now. I'm sure they aren't too far off from your own list of "nevers", what other explanation would there be for why we're friends?



So, there's no more AT&T for me, at least not in the near future (Again, trying not to say "never"), and I'm managing a new product for a small startup company in Seattle. It's been quite the culture shift for me, none of the impersonal stark realities of the corporate giant, but an eclectic mix of tech geeks, homeless sheik and magniloquent metros trying to be individuals in a sea of individuality. Maybe I'm not being fair describing the people within this company of less than 300 employees, but I'm a firm believer that perception is reality. My perception is a little skewed though; I spent the first 6 or 7 years swimming against the corporate current, and the last few just "being". Being disenchanted and disengaged, being overwhelmed at one moment and under whelmed the next. Simply put, I was discontent with just being a part of that corporate antiseptic that was slowly turning me into an old man. Wouldn't you?



The trip into the city every morning makes me feel like a champion for the environment and a grown up all at the same time. I park the F150 every morning and saddle up to a commuter train, followed by a quick walk to a hydrogen powered bus ride, directly into the heart of the financial district. 4 downhill blocks, an elevator ride and the swipe of a badge lands me in this place I now call my office. I love the last 4 blocks of my walk in each morning. Even if it's raining, I am afforded the opportunity to overlook the Puget Sound as I make my way down Seneca and under the viaduct. It's beautiful and a great reminder of why I fell in love with this part of the country and why I'll probably never really leave it. That beauty, and a nice pretty paycheck, however, comes at a pretty steep price for me, (You can start your "Whaaa" Cry now). I leave the house with my son at 6:00 am and drop him off at daycare. Not a huge ordeal, but getting home after 6:00 pm most nights means I might get an hour to spend with him before bed. 5 hours from Monday to Friday blows, especially at this period in his life. It's amazing how different the priorities have become for me, I feel like a grown up and it's weird.

A New Chapter for Life

At 8:36 pm Sept 4th, 2007, my son was born. After more than 24 hours of contractions, IV's, epiderals, tears and sleeplessness, he found his way into the world. It was a process, one that I don't think Jamie and I will ever want or desire to go through again, but one that has been the most worthwhile and meaningful "process" of my life. I won't speak for Jamie directly, but my senses tell me that she would concur with that thought. Just looking at her now, here in this hospital room, holding our new son, patiently waiting to give him his first bath, having slept a total of maybe 2 hours in the last 48, she looks as content and peaceful as a vacationing millionaire in Brazil. She did so awesome and continues to amaze me. She was a trouper through it all and I have to admit, it's a damn good thing that men are not responsible for giving birth. After everything I witnessed yesterday, and I know some of you can confess to this as well, I would never ever want to be the one in the bed, I wouldn't have made it through. Jamie on the other hand, took everything in stride, breathing through the contractions, being poked and prodded and being interrupted by a new nurse, anesthesiologist and OB doc every other 5 min. I was amazed at how she kept her cool, I on the other hand, probably would have started shooting, no doubt. And even after all of the pain of contractions, she ended up having a c-section, yet another "process" that she took in stride, almost a smile.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for the text messages, phone calls and emails. The prayers, although unheard on our end, have definetly been answered and I appreciate all of you for doing so. More pictures to come soon.

God bless-
Ryan Scott

37 Weeks

That's right, we hit 37 weeks today! That means we're full term, although the due date is still 21 days away. Should we go into labor though, they are not going to stop it. I'm about to become a dad! Holy Crap…

21 days, yes I am counting down! Who wouldn't be at this stage, hell, I've been counting down since month 1. I think it really started to sink in for us when I told Jamie one night, "Guess what? We have less than 100 days to go, we're finally in double digits!" That was a crazy feeling that has continued day in and day out, gaining acceleration as each hiccup and belly kick occurs from within the belly oven my best friend has been carrying for the last 35 weeks. What a unbelievable time this is. There are so many unknowns, a multitude of questions without answers, volumes of information at our finger tips and many more firsts for us.

We've always acknowledged our firsts; First Kiss, first day trip, first over night trip, first time in a car together, first date. I can remember vividly each one of those firsts and I love to remind her of that first movie we watched together or the first time we laid on the couch by the fire with a bottle of merlot and as much as those firsts will always hold a place in my heart, I'm starting to wonder if the new list of firsts will overcome the existing one? The first scream from our son, the first time in a car seat, the first feeding, that first smile or first step. Are the firsts that we hold so close in our hearts going to succumb to his firsts? I'm scared to death to become that parent that initially still hangs out with the single non-parent friends and only talks about the kid and then slowly but surely gets weaned out of that circle of friends and brought into a new circle of friends that all have children and all they talk about is their kids. Comparing the number of steps their kids took or whose kid can take more consecutive steps without crashing to ground in tears. I have a sincere fear of becoming that dad, not that I don't want to have conversations and gloat about being a father, more that I will further isolate myself from my long time friends who do not understand parenthood or don't want to be constantly reminded of what their lives could eventually look like.

Personally, I love my life, what's not to be loved? A wonderful woman and best friend whom I can share everything with, who allows me to be myself in all of my ups and downs. She knows I fart and poop, knows that I have late night cravings for shit food that would put a normal man in a coma, knows that I have ghosts that torment me and my sleep and all the while openly talks me back to calm. She is the perfect ying to my yang, and for that I am in love. I could spend days simply writing out all of the reasons that I love this woman, but I'll save that for another chapter entitled, "Try not to get sick from all this lovey dovey stuff".

We also have an amazing house that I am proud to call our home. We've put a lot of us into this place that started as a typical brand new suburban sprawl home in the middle of nowhere. You know those neighborhoods that seem to pop up where there used to be a field of weeds and nothing more, where every 5th house looks the same. Everyone has the same landscaper, local milk delivery and matching garbage cans that come out like clock work on Tuesdays. Everyone is a part of the home owners association and takes pruning and yard work far too seriously. You know that neighborhood, you probably live in one or drive by one on a daily basis and wonder what it's like to live there, it's cute and fun. Did I just say cute? Must be the new daddy coming out a bit prematurely. I've learned all sorts of new skills in this new home, the kind of skills that women find quite necessary in husband material. Like using a mitre saw to put up wainscoting, new base boards and a chair rail in the dinning room, hanging mirrors, painting, changing lighting and installing a back yard. Who knew back yards were so delicate from the beginning and so much work to prepare for? I had no idea what I was getting myself and my friend into. Needless to say, it's all done and looks quite nice! Those tasks are things I guess I never quite thought of as common sense type things or husbandly duties, but hell, I know how to do them now and it's a lot of fun making things our own.

As we approach this date in time for another "first", I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the babies that came into our lives before our son. Our dogs, Bean and Guinness, have been providing us lots of laughs, days at the dog park, and neighborhood walks, as well as plenty tears and frustrations from those "bad dog" moments that are quickly dismissed with sideways runs and plenty of licks. Our dogs have been our babies for sometime now. I remember the night Jamie brought Bean home. She fit in my left hand, the size of a coke can, weighing in at a gigantic pound. She couldn't have possibly been any smaller at 8 weeks old, resembling a hairless rodent that you couldn't help feeling sorry for and just wanting to keep close to your body in a very light cuddle. She's now a whopping three and a half pounds at 2 and half years old. What else would you expect from a teacup Chihuahua? And then there's the "Buddha" or "bubba" as we like to refer to Guinness. He's a tank at 14 pounds, part Chihuahua and part Terrier, maybe even part human. He has more character than any other dog I've even been around, understanding some key words like outside, treats and goodbye. Both of our dogs are pretty smart actually. At night or any time we leave the house without them, we ask them to "hustle up" and they run straight to their crate. They know the deal. Bean even understands the Spanish language, from anywhere in the house the simple mention of "queso" gets her ears to perk up and she runs straight to the refrigerator. They both LOVE cheese, and not just because it's food. If you say to her, "Bean, do you want some cheese (or queso)" she will do a 360 and head to the kitchen. She'll sit there and stare at you until you get it out of the lunchmeat drawer. I once made the mistake of asking her if she wanted some and found that we didn't have any; she peed on the kitchen floor directly in front of the fridge when I went back to the living room and turned on the TV. Oops! We have loved our dogs as children for over 2 years now and the idea that we are brining another child into our home to compete for our attention is not going to bode well for them. That's something else I'm very nervous about. Where's the dog whisperer when I need him?

One Year has Past

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same" -Anonymous

I started writing about this 40 some odd weeks ago, knowing that no matter what I did, no matter what I tried to do, it would still be on my mind, pouring out of my fingers, running out of my eyes. I knew that I had hit a moment in my life that would forever be remembered. You know there are so many things in this world that mean very little and somehow we as people get so caught up in them. We can talk trash about anyone, argue about the smallest things, say hurtful things in the heat of the moment and for what? What does it all matter in the end?

I've been worrying about that a lot lately, "the end". I know in the last year I've written a few things a long those lines and maybe it's just my internal clock ticking a little louder each year, but I've honestly finally realized how precious this time is that I have. It took losing my closest friend to understand how much I've been afforded in this life of mine. Why do I spend time bitching and moaning about this and that? Why don't I take moments every day to just smell the air, feel the ever present NW Weather on my face? Why not just drive somewhere new, accidentally misses a turn and just go for awhile. Roll the windows down in the cold and just be thankful I'm here?

I've had a year to think about a lot of things and my words of wisdom are as follows:

- If you think it might hurt, do it. There is no reward sweeter than the one thing you risked everything for.

- There is nothing more important than your family and friends. Do your best to repay their support by being better to everyone else in your life.

- There is no shame in asking for help, there is always someone ready to listen. I've always got an ear if you need it. It's cheaper than what I pay my therapist.

- Don't be afraid to cry, it just feels better to let it out. Even I do it

- Let music into your heart and lead your soul, be open to anything, you may find beauty in the strangest of melodies.

- Love bigger than you ever have

- Never ever give in to the darkness

One of the many things I learned from Pat is one of the simplest thoughts that we all ignore far too often, "be sure to try something new every day. You never know when your last day will come." I pray that I have plenty of days to come, I still have a lot of things to do. Make sure you don't waste this time either, go do something. Go snow shoeing, skydiving, bungee jumping. Do something this weekend that you said you'd never do, that you were afraid to try. Remember, pain is temporary, glory is forever. I don't want to die wondering what if, so I'm going to do my damndest not to.

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus

My Friends

Every morning at 6:30 am I get a little text message from MSN Horoscopes. Usually something random, sometimes right on the money, sometimes very stupid. I normally give them a once over, every once in a while just delete them. This past week, almost without question have had something very specific to say about something I had already been thinking about. Friday morning's said "The workout plan you are starting tonight is one you will stick to". I thought maybe someone was sharing my discussions with Jamie to the all seeing internet, as we had planned to begin working out daily that night! Whoa!! So, there is something to be said about my daily horoscope text message and application in my life.

Now, to the point of this blog today. This morning's text of insight read "Don't let friends slip away just because you haven't seen them lately". How timely this was. Over the last month I have dreaded February 28th. That is the day that 1 year ago I lost my best friend, my confidant, my brother. Still to this day, the pain I felt the day I found out hasn't gotten any better, the anger has not subsided, the loss I feel has not been replaced, nor could it. His life impacted me to an extent that I cannot portray in words, but his death can be seen on my face by simply mentioning his name. Day in and day out, there is not one that goes by without me thinking about him, his swagger, his confidence, his leadership, his smile, his love. The impact I feel, is felt by many of my and his closest friends. His death brought many of us together, just as he did while he was with us. Almost immediately following his death, many of us who hadn't spoken in years were suddenly together, talking, hugging, crying, remembering old times. It was an attribute I always wished I possesed, being able to simply bring people together because of you. Pat had that in life and in death, he showed us once again, he still had it.

Almost a year has gone by and many of those same people have lost touch again. I must admit that even I have let life get the best of me and take over from reaching out to those same friends, putting in a call, stopping by when I'm in town to say hello. I try to call Jared and Jr about once a month, usually hit their voice mail, but I try. I call Pat's mom whenever I can, usually hit her answering machine and I know she smiles when she hears me say hello. I talk with Tyra and my beautiful God Daughter at least 2 or 3 times a month. It's so hard not hearing back from them all though, not taking the initiative to call me or call me back. They never were really good at that anyway, but it's hard. It's hard to talk about how I feel with people who can only sympathize. My friends who have gone through life with him can get upset and angry along side with me, feel the same pain and share their stories and that grief with me. I need that, even nearly a year later I still need that.

I've found that there is certain music that sets this off in me. Last night while driving to Jamie's my ipod landed on a Counting Crows song. Pretty much anything off of "August and Everything After" can set me off down this Lonely Road of Grief and Pain. "Raining in Baltimore" nearly kills me everytime I hear it and I know I should just skip it, but it is that pain that tells me I'm still alive. I was told that "to remove the pain from death would be to remove the love from life" so in some comfort to me, I'm supposed to feel this way. But for how long? Are my friends feeling this as well?

Pride always keeps a man from crying on the phone with other men, but on this topic I don't care. I can cry to anyone about this, I want people to know what a great man is missing from this earth. I also want people to know how I feel about suicide and what it does to the people who are left here asking "why". If that stops someone from putting their friends and family through what my friends and I have gone through and continue to go through because of it.

So my friends, this is me trying to stay in touch, trying to tell you how I'm doing, what I'm thinking about. I love you all and miss talking to you. I'm sorry if I haven't picked up the phone enough, keep trying and start answering.

Lucky is as Lucky Does

This morning i'm sitting here thinking about how lucky i have been in my life. Lucky to have met certain people, lucky to have the career i do, lucky to have loved and been loved and being in love. i started to wonder why all of those things are luck, don't they just make me fortunate? Maybe it's a perspective rather than a fact. i decided to ask Jeeves, "What is Luck?"; the answer from a definition standpoint is:

1. noun: your overall circumstances or condition in life (including everything that happens to you)
2. noun: an unknown and unpredictable phenomenon that causes an event to result one way rather than another
3. noun: an unknown and unpredictable phenomenon that leads to a favorable outcome

So from that perspective, everything that has happened to me has been luck? Such as meeting some people 8 years ago when I first moved here who have become my lifeline, my other family here in Washington. It may have been lucky I was there to have been introduced to them, or is that fate? Was I lucky to have been raised in such a way that I was capable of being friendly and social enough to have made friends with them? Or was that just the nurturing and nature of things... Now I'm frustrated, why did I even start thinking about this?

Fate as a definition says:

1. noun: an event (or a course of events) that will inevitably happen in the future.

2. noun: your overall circumstances or condition in life (including everything that happens to you)

OH SHIT, look at that!!! Fate and Luck have the same definition?? What the heck? So whether I am lucky or not, Fate is going to decide what happens anyway... So then, is it lucky to have good fate? Does fate determine if I will be fortunate enough to have a lucky life?

I think I may drive myself crazy over this one but hell, it's been too long since I've pondered such ridiculous ideas such as Luck, Fate and Fortune. The bottom line is this however, I am so LUCKY to have the love of my friends, FORTUNATE enough to have the the love of the greatest woman in the world, and thanks to FATE, they are in my life!

Maybe I'll atempt to expand on all of this more later... Feel free to add to this discussion, I always love good banter about things we cannot see or hear, but believe are there, eh!

Blind, Stoned or just plain Stupid?

Last Saturday I spent the day in the "Big Apple" walking around Manhattan, checking out the situation on the East Coast. I have to say, the city is much larger than I had imagined, TV and the movies do it no justice when it comes to relative size. None the less, I finally made it into the city. In all my trips out to the Garden State of NJ, I had never actually ventured into the city. After a few hours of holiday hustle and bustle, taxi's wanting to run my ass over in cross walks, wind burn and sore legs, I realized why hadn't. I am a West Coast, laid back, surfing and drinking kind of guy. Not as high strung as most of the locals I encountered. That's a whole other story in and of itself.

Anyway, as we planned out where we wanted to go and see, Ground Zero came up on our list. Having seen just about every last TV special around 9/11, including documentaries, endless news coverage, etc. I wasn't sure I actually needed to go to the site to "see for myself". I wasn't exactly sure I had any right to do so. Being with my friend who used to take the train in every morning to Tower 1, we went. He wanted to share his history with me, his recounting of that day, his pain. Normally I would say "tough shit, that's what therapy is for" but this time was different, closer to home. So we went.

As you cross the skywalk looking over the huge hole in the ground, it's almost unbelievable to think of what happened there. I felt sick to my stomach as he recounted and pointed out the train tracks that used to drop him off at his building. I was ill. We continued walking, me listening to his stories, feeling worse every step. We came out to the front memorial to the site, to the people who lost their lives. Thousands of people still to this day crying, memorializing and protesting. PROTESTING?? Even the 1st amendment doesn't stop certain clowns in this country from saying what they want to say. Here I stood, ready to vomit with people all around me and two men holding a sign which read, "9/11 was an Inside Job" and "Look at what we did to ourselves". I was shocked, how could anyone stand there and be more selfish to promote such bull shit. Even I don't like George W. but come on now! My sick stomach turned upside down, now I was just mad.

It's like President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran saying that the holocaust never happened! Are these folks completely out of their minds or just so fucked up that we have to just let them be? I'm not a proponent of the death penalty, nor do I think we should go kill anyone. However, there are times when I have to ask, what the hell is wrong with people? Why would anyone find any amusement out of preying on the misery of others? Don't get me wrong now, I'm all for fucking with people as often as possible, but when we are talking about the death of thousands like in NY or Millions in the case of the holocaust.

My dad always told me that as humans, we're not perfect and people will always let you down. I'm very disappointed in people, especially in New Yorkers that can stand there with their agendas and add salt into the wounds of those still grieving. I'm all for freedom of speech, it allows me the freedom to write my thoughts down here, speak freely to you all. This was one of the times where I wished that along with the 1st amendment, I had the right to kick the crap out of these guys. I was very surprised there wasn't an all out riot amongst the mourners and the clowns. I continued my walk and no longer felt sick by the empty crater where the towers used to stand, but sick that people prey on the emotions of those in grief.

With that said, what would you have done? Would you have said something to these guys? Thrown a punch? Let me know, I'm interested in hearing your side.

Who Get's What in the End??

So, it's the end of the year and I'm faced with all sorts of wonderful paperwork and decisions. Open enrollment for insurance forces me to pick a plan, life insurance benefits and beneficiary(ies), W2 deductions/exemptions, etc... Such a pain in the ass... Looking through all of this has forced me to think about some cryptic shit though, like if I died, Who is going to make sure I get burried in the right place, who is gonna hide/take my porn collection so my parents don't get embarassed, who'll take the rest of my DVD's, who's gonna clean up my computer of anything embarassing, make sure everyone I'd want to know, knows? Why do I ever think about this stuff? Does anyone want that responsibility? Do I really care about any of this if I'm dead?

This is pretty lame I know, especially at our ages, but if not now, when is the right time to think and talk about this stuff? I'm not getting any younger... So, should I be thinking about a "living will" or setting up a trust? I feel really weird writing this stuff right now, but I can't help but think about it. It's not that I think I won't be here tomorrow or anything, but knowing that we have no control over when our time is up, I can't think that I have not prepared for death and know it would be a huge burden on so many of my friends and family. And, parents don't need to find porn DVD's, right? What if they ahd the same one's? GROSS!!!! (That's my feeble attempt to be funny in this very dark discussion)

So, from the peanut gallery, thoughts? What have any of you done if anything, or are you in the same boat I'm in and done nothing? I'm interested in hearing if anyone else has even contemplated this, I know we're all pretty young still but seriously, are any of us going to live forever?

Sit the Hell Down Already

Quite frequently I find myself flying, mainly for business purposes, and I've noticed an epidemic that is becoming worse and worse each time I travel.

The media and airlines have somehow convinced Americans that no one is flying anymore as well... That's bullshit as I stand in line to get through security, only to consistently get pulled aside, strip searched, cavity checked and then sent on my way limping toward my gate. The walk to the gate is always a little bit longer when you've recently had someone's fingers up your ass looking for drugs or bombs or whatever else they may think you've shoved up there to travel with... But I digress

My issues really come from the boarding and unboarding experience. You get to your gate, have a seat cause your ass hurts still from the previous moments rectal exam, and you wait. You wait and wait and wait... Announcement comes over the Public Address system, barely audible, and a mass migration of folks sitting and waiting all jump off their fat asses and start pushing toward the gate. I see this everytime I fly. The cattle drive to board the plane almost makes me feel like I have to get up with them and stand there waiting instead of resting my very sore rear end. So I get off my tired sore ass and stand there and wait, constantly being pushed forward by the other heffers behind me. On especially hot days, that usually happen in Newark and Phoenix airports, when the AC isn't working, many of these larger folks actually smell like cattle, quite surreal... But I digress. So this drive begins moving forward, people acting like if they don't hurry up they may not make their flights. Yeah Right, you're pushing me forward so we can go from standing in one line to standing in another one on the jetway.That is quite simply because the assholes ahead of us cannot seem to find where on their ticket the seat assignment is and the corresponding number on each row will eventually match up! Seriously folks, figure it out and sit your ass down! Mine still hurts and I would appreciate you getting the fuck out of my way so that I can sit and watch you fuckers roam around aimlessly trying to squeeze a full size suitcase into a full overhead baggage area!

That's my next big gripe; people not checking their luggage and thinking it'll fit overhead. It goes hand in hand with how long it takes to board and unboard the plane. Listen folks, this isn't the era where luggage disappears all of the time, unless you've packed a lot of drugs, guns or bombs... Your shitty knock-off Louis Vuitton luggage will be waiting for your pretentious ass in the baggage claim area, you don't need to carry it on so everyone can know you're a phoney. We get that by your matching handbag, wallet and cell phone case you're carrying on as well. Seriously, check that shit, no one is gonna steal it, everyone else can afford it as well, check it! Now, if your seat number is in the front of the plane, put your shit in the overhead compartment near or directly above your head. Don't put it way in the back. No one is going to let you walk back there once the plane is done taxiing back to the gate, we all want off the plane and are not allowing you to hold us up. Make it easy, check anything that doesn't fit under your seat so we don't have to spend an extra hour waiting for you!!!

Now, when the plane gets back to the gate and it's time to get off, GET THE FUCK OFF. You've already had at least 4 or 5 hours to stare at the seat in front of you and if you don't already know the person sitting next to you, now is not the time to introduce yourself. Way to waste all of that time buried in the Wall Street Journal jackass, we still aren't impressed that you can read and guaranteed my Playboy read was much more interesting anyway. Why didn't you say hello earlier? I really do not care to know you now, nor did I before or during the flight, but now just is not the time. Just get off the plane, I have to pee now.

Overkill, Overboard and Underwhelmed

So, here I am, sitting in my office attempting to waste another 20 minutes writing down my thoughts as it seems no one else in my company is working anyway today. Apparently there was snow, I barely see it now, but it scared enough people into not coming in today, whatever. I’m just being irritated that I didn’t have the foresight to see how easily I could have claimed being fearful of driving on wet roads and staying home. Either way, I would still be working from there so all that changes is that I had to shower before noon and get dressed to come to work. Enough of that thought.

We got some snow, not real snow that stays around for days on end, but enough to look pretty for a few brief moments. I swear though, out here in Washington you’d think people are used to seeing precipitation fall from the sky, but no! Even when it rains here, folks feel the need to slow down and lose their minds on the road. Are there that many California transplants that have never seen snow or rain? I’m a transplant, but even I know that rain is not going to damage the clear coat over my paint if I drive the speed limit! There should be a test for competency and common sense when they allow anyone to drive a car, not just the legal test, but an actual common sense test that can determine if you’re smart enough to operate as a human being. And just think, they allow people to drive, drink coffee and talk on a cell phone all at the same time; I swear that should be illegal! If you are so afraid of the snow, then wait until its safe. Do you even know if it’s not safe to drive? If you don’t you have two choices:
1) Watch everyone else out driving, if they start slipping and sliding like bumper cars, it’s slick, stay home.
2) Go out and drive so other people can watch you and decide if it’s slick as you ram bumpers with other morons on the road, your choice.

Anyway, back to the topic. In my line of work, I’m responsible for keeping things running regardless of what Mother Nature, the phone company or a random act of stupidity does to slow us down. When there’s a chance that snow or hurricanes or a tornado will impact one of my centers, we plan and we plan and we plan to keep the ship a float so that it is seamless to the customer (Seamless, a great corporate word). We hold conference calls in order to plan and we talk about shit a lot. We have more documents about what to do “if”, then I care to ever explain. It’s quite fascinating at times. So, we got some snow here, nothing serious, although very pretty personally. I love how quiet the word becomes when it snows. Sometimes, even with all of the planning, it does require that you access the situation at hand, that may be mid-afternoon or the middle of the night. When those of us at my level in this company took our jobs, we knew once that our roles would have no normal operating hours and that as leaders; it would require a conversation at 2:30 or 3:30 in the morning, that’s just the way it is. Keep on trucking, eh!

This morning we had one of those times where it required national presence to discuss the underwhelming Washington weather issue and make adjustments as needed. 3:30 am comes and it’s time to make some determinations as to whether the weather will allow us to be open here or delay the opening or be “Business as Usual”. That’s just part of our jobs. I had a director from New Jersey ask me if I thought that pulling everyone together in the middle of the night was overkill. I nearly fell out of my bed laughing (YES, I do take conference calls from bed in my undies at that hour). I couldn’t believe I was being asked this question by someone on the East Coast, it was 6:30 am her time and knowing this lady, I know that all of her upkeep gets her started on her day much earlier than that, in order to be present physically by 9 or 10 EST. Again, common sense is missing in the business world as well these days. How can it be overkill to plan ahead in order to keep the business running smoothly? I was ashamed to have even heard her ask the question, although my lack of respect for her is no longer able to reach any lower. It was just sad

So there it is, my rumblings for today. I’m sure I’ll find something else to grumble about later.