Keep rockin the 808

6 weeks, it's been 6 weeks since I signed a lease on this other place to dwell. 6 weeks ago I signed away the life I had, for another. Maybe that's a dramatic viewpoint, but there's only 2 ways to look at it. On one hand, I left a difficult situation that had very little, if anything, left to work with, much to my dismay. That in and of itself, is a bitter pill I'm still trying to swallow. Acceptance is something I've always had a hard time with, specifically when it's about something I've failed at no matter what lengths I went to make every day better than the one before. It's humbling and it's a process of grieving and learning how to stand alone, again. On the other hand, it's an opportunity. An opportunity to see what else is, who else, is out there that may be better than the one before or the one before that, or the one before that. I feel calous as I write this, as if every relationship I've spent a significant amount of time, heart and energy in was a "thing". None of them were "things" or just phases in my life. I loved, I lived, and I felt pain and grief. There are degrees to those emotions and actions, and as I've grown personally and emotionally, the seperation of degrees in which I dwelt are significant.

In all sincerity I can say that nothing has ever hurt like this does, but I've also never dealt with the aftermath as well as I have this time. Part of that may be due to having the best part of my life still to come because of her, in my son. Maybe it's a sign that I really did know that we needed to be at this juncture in life, seperate. That's more than hard to look into for me, because I have never loved anyone like I loved her, and at the end of the day, it didn't make it any better. It scares me that I may never allow myself to have those intense emotions with anyone else, which in essence, really means that someone else in that role in my life should actually be receiving even more than anyone previous, right? It's going to take someone so amazing to pull that out of me, and will I ever deserve someone like that? I'm not trying to have a pitty party this morning, just speaking frankly, and I don't need to hear answers on that question. Just thinking out loud for the sake of thinking.

"808's and Heartbreak" on the iPhone this morning...interesting idea

I'm not having a rough morning, I'm not sad or screaming, I'm kind of numb today. I'm hurting inside for a lot of friends going through some really tough times, some that may even eclipse my own loss, and I'm thinking about you today. I know there are those of you feeling alone and lost and hurting like you've never hurt before, afraid it will never go away. Take peace in knowing it will get better and you are never alone. There are people who spend time thinking about you, praying for you, answering your calls in the middle of the night to sing you lullabye's and walk you home safe in the dark. If this is you, reading this now, you know I love you and regardless of what is happening in my heart, I'm still there for you, anytime, anyplace.

I'll probably have some more to say about all this later...feels like a multi-post kind of day

Stay blessed-

Wholeness is brokenness, owned

Short and sweet today, as it's been a long week already, this being Thursday, and tomorrow setting up the weekend. It's been quite an eventful week, as work has been at the forefront of my output, making each evening seem longer and longer and with less and less excitement or thought. Last night, for instance, I fell asleep on the couch about 8:30, waking up at 10:23 and wondering what the hell had happened to me. I flipped through the DVR and checked my laptop to see if my current update to SP2 was completed. Bean looked up at me from her bed next to the couch with a look that said "don't even think I'm getting up from this spot". As a side note, I love thinking that she actually could say something and I know she'd be as snarky and irritated as I am at times. Nothing on the DVR that had me intrigued enough to stay up, SP2 was done installing and I could barely keep my eyes open. So, in a dazed and confused stumble, I picked up the too comfortable chihuahua, turned off the TV, closed the laptop and hit the switch on the lights and headed to bed. Took me a few minutes to return to slumber, at least it felt like it did, and about 10:50 the crying in the next room jumped me out of my skin, sending Bean for a blanket ride. Jackson somehow posted himself up between the wall and his bed and wasn't awake enough to get out, exerting just enough energy to cry loud enough for me to save him from an uncomfortable spot. I scooped him up pretty quick and helped his head find the pillow. Back to crazy binky suction action, sound asleep, I wanted to just crawl into that little race car bed and sleep like a baby. I watched him sleep for a few minutes, wishing I could sleep like that and if I cried, someone would come scoop me up and put me back to comfortable slumber. I headed back to my nice warm bed where Bean had taken up the warm spot and slept through until the 5:15 alarm bell. Guess I really needed that sleep, I feel a million times better today. Hope this isn't a sign of age, needing more sleep. I love staying up late and being a kid. I also hope that never changes, enjoying what life is and being able to be silly and dreaming and maintaining hope.

My weekly sermon on the iPhone as I walked through the city streets to the train today. It was a good one, and one in which this post is titled after. "...wholeness is brokenness, owned, therefore new life...". I've said many times that I want to feel whole, feel comfortable and enjoy life. It seems like at times how broken I've been, I can never put it all back together, but hearing that phrase tells me that if what it is I want in this life, I have to. A new life, a new wholeness, owning the pieces that are broken and making them fit again. It's hard, right now, to think that's possible, but if witnessing my sons tears and screams in the middle of the night subsiding with a scoop and a pillow, I suppose anything is possible.


Keep loving one another.

Stay blessed-

Speak Up now or forever hold your peace

The fog hasn't quite lifted from my body yet this morning, as we approach the afternoon. The weekend was a tangled mess of fun and debauchery, chaos and beauty, laughter and tears, drinking and smoking, and family. I probably participated in all of the previous verbs, I say probably due to the multiple empty bottles of Hendrick's, Jameson, and Grey Goose I stumbled over 2 mornings in a row. As promised, I did not abuse any alcohol put before me, it was all treated to a nice and easy ride starting at the lips and making its way through the inner workings of my liver, stomach and eventually, the bottom of a urinal. There were no reverse routes made by said alcohol through the weekend, amazingly enough! But enough of my consumption, I'm sure my mother is going to love reading this, but she'll be happy to know that a great time was had by everyone.

Friday afternoon I headed out to on the road for what should have been about a two hour drive to the middle of no where, at the base of Mt St Helen's. Forty five minutes into my drive, I was 13.8 miles from home. I don't know why there is always so much traffic near Ft. Lewis military base. I'm told it's not always like that, I guess I'm just lucky enough to consistently hit it when heading south. During my sit through bumper to bumper military traffic, I took a few minutes to run through what I had packed for the weekend. Next to me in my truck was everything one could possibly need on a short road trip; laptop, iPhone, directions, 2 cans of Carb Free Rockstar, and a powerbar, a super hot 16 oz Quad Skinny Mocha in the cup holder to boot. A/C blasting away as the outside temp approached 90, phone in hand trading text messages with friends, anything to pass the time of traffic. I shifted attention from the front seat to the extra cab of my truck and ran the mental inventory of what I had actually packed up. Suit, dress shoes, dress shirts, bathroom bag, sleeping bag, shorts, t-shirts, flip flops...and then it hit me. The 2 dress shirts I grabbed were both black, perfect for an outdoor wedding in the blazing sun, and the most important part of packing for a weekend of fun, I forgot underwear. How do you forget to pack drawls? Sorry mom, I know better, but the good news is, I immediately formed a contingency plan. My mom is quite the shopper, which kind of turned me into one as well. The minute I realized I had no drawls other than the ones I'd been sitting in for a full day of work and now resting my arse in traffic, and was in need of a suitable dress shirt for a wedding, I immediately remembered the factory outlet mall about 30 miles ahead in Chehalis. A quick run through a couple stores with no luck landed me walking into Ralph Lauren. Yes, I went in and actually bought a shirt. Not only did I buy a shirt, the lady steamed it for me, put it in a garment bag and left it on the nice wooden hanger. Talk about service, well worth the 20 bucks I paid for an 80 dollar shirt, right? Next was a run into the Hanes store for a four pack of boxer briefs and I was back on the road. 18 min total shopping stop (would have been under 10 if the steamer had already been hot), something I learned from my dad about shopping, Get in, get out. I5 southbound, still an hour to go.

I rolled into the marrying spot about 9 o'clock and was greeted with beer and friends, in no particular order. The place was pretty cool, even in the middle of no where. Andersen Lodge is a Swedish replica of what I presume is the Andersen's place in, well, Sweden. Huge log cabin type place with multiple patio's, eating areas inside and out, a tennis court, volleyball court, and a fire pit with a stage built out like an amphitheater. All of this under the shadow of Mt St Helen's, sounds sweet yeah? It really was a fun place to have our group of friends. Over the next few hours, car after car full of the crew arrived. With every car load, was another hug, another laugh, and hell, another fresh beer. I don't quite remember when the bright idea to start in on liquor occurred, but by 3:30 am, my bottle of Hendricks Gin was empty and I was the only one drinking it.

Saturday morning started late opposed to my normal weekend wake hour, 9:00 am. I remember rolling over to check the clock on my phone and expected to see 5 or 6 am, so seeing 9 was a welcome surprise. Rolled out of bed and hit about 6 straight cups of Folgers out of last nights rocks glass, felt like college all over again, but in a good way. Much to my delight (yeah, I said it 'DELIGHT'), little by little, my crew of hardcore party people were all coming out of the same slumber ready to start all over again. There was talk of a liquor store run, but no one really felt up to the hour plus round trip, and of course, it's not like any of us came unprepared, we're all professionals here. By 11 we were all jumping into various cars; backpacks and coolers full of adult beverages, and heading to the lake. I have no idea what the name of this lake is, but can tell you that a state run park where alcohol is prohibited, is going to need more than an 80 year old in a golf cart to catch us being sneaky, like I said, we're pro's at this! We all hung out at the beach for a few hours, roasting in the sun, jumping in the arctic temperature water, pounding beers and pounding fists, laughing like kids. Something about being out of town together, with little responsibility directly in front of us, that takes me back to when I started this lifelong friendship with these folks. 15 years later, give or take, we're still as much fun as ever, despite the changes in many of our lives.

By 1:30, it was time for a nap. While I'm not sure I ever really feel asleep (Graham would dispute that I hadn't slept, apparently he was going to recreate the 'Cheesy Poof's Incident'), I did finally get out of my bed around 3:00. The wedding was starting at 4:00. A quick run down to the shower room in a towel and my bathroom bag through the Swedish lodge and into the smallest shower ever, complete with the coldest water that has ever been blasted across my body. Was worried someone might lose an eye at any moment if a nipple shot off, i kept my head down. Got the clothes together and knew better than to get dressed right away since the 90 degree air temp meant that inside the lodge it had to be another 10 degrees warmer, no sense in putting on pants. Plus, walking around in a towel and a tank top helped keep the college theme present (tried to influence a Toga theme for the ceremony but got overruled). By 3:55 I was dressed, wool sport coat and all, feeling good, ready to watch some great people get married.

Ceremony was short and sweet, Brooke looked amazing and Brent didn't let the nerves get the best of him. Our friend Jessica officiated over the nuptials, and I think she was more nervous than anyone. "I Do's" over, it's time to party.

Of course there was apps and dinner and drinking, great toasts and good tears. It was a really fun wedding. The rest of the night was as crazy as the previous, maybe more so. I'll spare the details here as I really am trying to maintain this stellar innocent reputation I know I'm regarded for. I don't know everything that happened, but I did hear about a broken arm bathroom incident, an axe landed in the bonfire, and well, it was 4 am before I finally crawled into my bed.

I'm happy this weekend was as awesome as it was, I needed that. I really needed that, it's been a long time since I've let it all out, and I almost forgot about that part of me. I don't know how many times I had someone tell me they missed me or was so happy to have me there. That meant a lot and means more than I can spell out in words. I think Bethany got to witness that first site Friday night as we talked and of course one of us had to get all emotional. She helped wipe my tears so no one needed to see me looking like a baby, she's seriously one of the coolest women in the world and I am lucky to have her as such an amazing friend. I had a couple more conversations that went like that, even with my boys, who still hug it out right after someone gets choked, it's how it goes. I'm proud to have the people in my life, that mean so much to me, and value our friendship beyond what most people will ever know. I'm lucky, lucky as hell to have the type of support and love that these guys put out.

So, here's to you! May God bless us all with many more years to come where we can drink and dance like we're 20, and still show up to work on Monday. love you guys

Stay Blessed-

Enough for now

Today started like every day, hitting snooze on the alarm 2 or 3 times, dog getting sick of me jumping out and crawling back in. She's funny, all sprawled out under the comforter huffing and snorting as I re enter my nice warm spot she tried to take up occupancy in as I made the alarm clock dive to postpone the inevitable. I keep wondering if I'll ever grow up to be the person who is stoked for the morning and hit's the ground chipper. But who am I kidding, why would anyone in their right mind be stoked that the morning is here, except to thank God for yet another day of living. I can dig that part, I am thankful 99.99% of the time for another day of this life.

Mentally preparing for another unification this year, my great friends are tying the knot near Mt St Helen's Saturday and it's about a 2 hour journey from my current residence in B-E-A-utiful Fife. I'm looking forward to the solo journey down there, giving my head some time to think (as if I needed anymore time) and jam out to whatever comes across the stereo. These are trips where having satellite radio makes all the difference in the world. 100's of channels at your fingertips with enough music to quench even a seasoned pallet of impeccable musical taste. I didn't pack last night, so of course there's that to do, as well as taking the Bean to the house and emptying the garbage before leaving for 3 days... last nights meat packing might not be smelling too hot after a weekend in what effectively will be a sauna once I close all the windows up. That thought in and of itself is making my stomach turn a little bit. There goes being hungry for lunch!

So yeah, I still have a few things to knock out before hitting the road, but I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with my family away from family. And since I have no where to drive home after, or any other responsibilities that require my sobriety tonight or the next, it's party Ryan time! Good sense and appropriateness be damned. That hasn't happened in a very long time and although I'm not a proponent of abusing alcohol, I promised I won't spill any...it'll all eventually be processed through my needy liver.

Stay blessed and enjoy your weekend, you know I will!

A view from the sidelines

So yesterday was a tough day, I can admit that. I have some good ones and some really bad ones. The balance between the two is fairly equal, although it seems like I have more good days than bad, but like all things, the bad ones are always more apparent and much easier to remember and write about. Yesterday I spent some time looking at what the triggers are, and for the life of me, I can't identify them, and you can be guaranteed that my therapist and I have some things to talk about and figure out, it's on my list for her to help me with. Knowing what it is that sets me off on the wrong foot in the morning is paramount to moving forward with the life of Ryan. Yes, I'm in therapy and I have no qualms talking about it. I think it's one of the healthiest mental choices one can make for themselves. I'm not there because of a court order or as something I agreed to with anyone, except for myself. I know my limitations, and one that doesn't resolve itself is what goes on in this head and heart of mine. Does that make me weak? I don't think so, it's just the opposite, admiting you have shortcomings and need help overcoming those obstacles. Like the alcoholic that goes to a meeting for support, my therapist makes me think and talk outloud about things I don't necessarily want to openly talk about. I know what you're saying, "There's things you don't openly talk about?" and you're right, I will openly talk about anything. She just asks the questions that I haven't thought about, and she's candid in questions, no punches held back, she asks it like it is. It's actually surprised at times, her questions and our conversations. I'll stay out of the details, but she has been able to make me blush (can guys blush?) with a question or four as she sits back with the same look on her face that she has with any other question, like she isn't asking something rather personal that isn't a bit uncomfortable for the person being asked. It can be a very surreal experience at times to be sure.

I didn't intend to write about my therapy or anything connected to it today, except to say that I can acknowledge the good days and the bad days and I'm working my ass off to overcome the bad and live a life poised for 98% great and 2% ok. I do want to be happy all the time and I do want to be comfortable. Getting down the road to that destination takes preparation and fuel, therapy is one of the preparations that I require. I think there's plenty of other people in the world that could benefit from it as well, it just takes the additional preparation of finding that right person to confide in and build that trust, it can be a cool thing.

Weezer on the iPhone this morning, been spending my guitar lessons learning some good tricky rhythms and picking, many that come straight out of Weezer records. I've always dug this band; not flashy or over the top attention seekers. They just come out and say what they needed to say and play some kick ass music at the same time...oops, laptop battery about to poop out... guess I'm finishing this from the office...be right back...(7:38 am)

Ok, so that took a little more time than expected. It's now after 10 am, and I've been to a couple meetings already. Yet another busy day in the office, but not too busy to wrap today's piece up. It's amazing to me how many people are dealing with so many of the same things I'm dealing with right now. 1 friend of mine is super down and trying to figure out what to do after an injury is postponing his employment. Professional baseball players being sidelined for 5 weeks in a season with only 7 weeks remaining has got to be a heavy blow, and add to that living in a foreign country where no one speaks your language. I can only imagine that feeling of being alone and having life on pause. Another friend just sold the house they've been renovating and living in over the last few years. After the blood and sweat and love to make it a home, they had to sit back and watch the new owners take measurements and decide what furniture goes where.

Being replaced or sidelined has to be one of the toughest moments that we as humans can go through, regardless of the context of the situation. The length of that emotion can last a lifetime, or 5 weeks, again, depending on the context of the situation. I guess the game plan has to be to focus on the things that are great and focus on changing the ones that aren't. For me, I take the bench every morning and play the best role I can from the dugout, one day at a time. Some days I hate it, and other days, I simply sit back and smile and thank God for allowing me to even suit up.

Stay blessed-

Le bonheur est juste en dehors de ma fenêtre

Being a romantic sucks, it really does. There's this picture in my head of how I want things to be, and it's just sitting on pause, a button push away from being deleted off the DVR connected to my life. It just sucks, today is one of those days where smiling and redirecting my attention keeps leading me back to the corner of Main and A Street, where the future looked so much different from this reality. I'm sorry there's no witty story or humor today in this post, it's just not there. What is, is the simple fact that I feel destroyed inside as the tears keep welling up behind these brown eyes as I sit in my dark office trying to maintain some picture of leadership while holding on tight to my humanity. That part of me that is grieving and remembering a life less confusing and tortured. Yes, I am tormented by the past, the mistakes that in hind site may have been what truly wasn't right about all of it, and I can't help wondering about the what if's, the pieces that looked like they fit and felt just right. And yet, I'm sitting here, alone, naked and scared with my heart on a wire. Did they fit, they sure felt like it. So maybe in my romantic rose colored glasses, I'm really just delusional and instead of seeing things for what they are, I turn them into what fits for me... Damn this all, take this all away is what I'm screaming inside this body today, cause it hurts more than I've wanted to admit and it's breaking me down. I don't want to be a pessimist, don't want to become hopeless, resentful and hurtful. I want to be the greatest version of me, the man that smiles because he means it, hugs because he needs it and loves because there's no life without it. Today I am sad despite my attempts to move past it. I could really use a hug...

And like all music in my life, 'Happiness' by The Fray just hit my ears. How timely right? Guess there's a reason for the genius playlists in iTunes...I probably wouldn't have added this song on it's own

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home

Stay blessed-

Lotion for face, Pomeade for Hair

Have my headphones today, thankfully one painfully quiet day without music was enough to trigger the mental reminder to throw them into my bag before heading to bed last night. Bed time came late, such a surprise. I had ever intention to hit the sack around 10:00 when lo and behold, it was more like 11:30 when my head hit the pillow with Bean snuggled in tight to my side. 5:15 am the alarm went off and I snoozed it just long enough to realize that damn, it's morning already! Another day, another opportunity to be something, be someone, or be something to someone. I never know what that something is going to be or who that someone is, but it's a shot, right? Maybe be something to me? So Adam Duritz sings his melancholy in my ears this morning against beautiful melodies of fiddles and pianos and guitars and I'm always surprised to hear these songs and layers within the music that I hadn't recognized before. Started off the play list with "insignificant" off the 'Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings' album which speaks to a topic none of us want to face. "I don't wanna feel so different but I don't wanna be insignificant" and I know that feeling all too well. Want to remain in this place of inspiration and hurt, but don't want to die knowing I didn't leave my mark. Scary thought, right?

So, as I ran through my morning routine, pre-coffee, pre-awake really, I powered through trying to beat the clock and knowing how quickly I needed to get my ass out the door. Shower, towel, deodorant, drawls, pants, shirt; so far so good. Toothpaste on toothbrush, 45 seconds per quadrant, done. Reached back into the drawer, toothpaste and deodorant dropped back in, pulled out the face lotion and pomade. Lotion in hand, hands in hair, rubbed it in good. Pomade fingered out of the canister, rubbed into my hands, hands to the face, rub in nice and deep...Wait, what the hell did I just do! Yeah, I did it, in my haste to hurry things up, and I can honestly say it's the first time I've ever done it, and let me tell you first hand, pomade is not a moisturizing agent. So there I am, hair looking like some kind of amazing and gooey sticky paste on my face, I so wish I had a picture for posterity. Bean just sat on the floor staring, I know deep down that could she have said something, she would have been cackling like Marge Simpson's twin sisters. I did have a quick laugh and got to fixing my error. 10 minutes and a whole lot of scrubbing later, I was out the door to the train station...talk about my life in a snapshot. Somethings have to be in the right place or else disaster ensues.

Question of the day (Pre-Pomade Incident): How can an introvert truly be lonely alone? In college I took the Myers-Briggs assessment, which is a psychometric questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions(Thanks Wiki). Believe it or not, and I do agree for the most part, I am an introvert. I get energy from being to myself and really am not comfortable in huge crowds. I'm more of an intimate scene kind of guy, a few close friends always preferred to a house party, chill bar or pub over a club. It's not to say I wouldn't go to either, just not my real cup of tee, and probably a good reason my circle of friends hasn't grown year after year. Back to the question though, how is it that in my isolation, where I should thrive, can I be this lonely? I know the obvious answers, but that's not what I'm asking. Where is the motivation I seek to escape this boredom? Oh yeah, I'm finding alone time super boring and a bit aggravating. Is this stir crazy cabin fever I'm approaching?

I tried smiling more yesterday, my day flew by, and I guess it did feel better than it had over previous days. I still feel like a cannon ball shot through the air, trying to learn to fly without the pin point accuracy of a missile and not knowing my target or trajectory. It's scary, not knowing what's next and the risk taker is burrowing his head in the sand, too afraid to see the results.

Damian Rice in the ears now, angry bitter Irish man who so eloquently and beautifully sings words that often pour out of my heart and my eyes "So it's not hard to fall, when you float like a cannonball". I'll keep trying to smile today, especially with the lotion and pomade in the correct places.

Stay blessed

Lundi sanglant, heure de sourire

Mondays, ugg. That means the week is here whether I want it to be or not. I really don't want it to be here already, can I have my Sunday back, please? yes, I'm whining a little. This week is going to be hectic, (UAT kicking off again on my project) too many things to accomplish or just get done, and well, I don't want to. I'm ready for the weekend already and there's 5 days of business first. Nonsense I tell you!

Got to the train station this morning and went into a slow panic as I realized I didn't have a set of headphones. Most days, there's at least 3 pair, today there are none. I know exactly where they are in my place too. The main iPhone headphones are sitting on my desk since I needed to sit on a few conference calls Friday, my big dogs are sitting in the kitchen, where they have been since I moved into the place and the 3rd pair are where they always are in case I forget one of the other two pair; in my other laptop bag that I haven't been using since I replaced it with this Ogio pack... Crap, no music on the iPhone to discuss today. Guess you'll have to come up with your own download of the day, but if you were waiting on my suggestion, check out any Van Morrison, Counting Crows or Michael Franti and Spearhead. That sounds about like what I would be listening to on this cold, wet, dark July Monday morning. Plus, I'm getting revved up for the Counting Crows show at Marymoore Thursday night. You haven't lived in the purity of music until you see CC live, especially this tour with Michael Franti and Augustana. From what I've heard, there is no true spot for the bands, they are winging it at every show, doing songs all together, songs just as a band and intermingling through 3 separate dare I say, "jam sessions"! Should be an amazing night, much like every CC show. I'm a nerd, I follow Adam Duritz on Twitter (http://twitter.com/countingcrows) and his updates are funny as all get down.

I haven't written in a few days now, mostly cause I've been lazy, but mainly because I was getting sick of talking. Talking about my depression, about my current situation and reading back over it was making me feel like all I do here is whine and commiserate, and that is not who I am. I've spent so much time thinking about being miserable and lost and alone, that I've not done justice to the awesomeness that is me. Ok, that's a stretch, I'm only kind of awesome, most of the time. Seriously though, I've been selling it short, mailing it in. We all (most of us, usually not so publicly) do that when we're hurt and feeling bad, and that's ok from time to time I guess, but it cannot become who we are and what we are all about. It's not good for anyone. I do believe that bad energy begets bad energy, meaning if you walk around every day feeling sorry for yourself and you carry this angst and hurt with you, you'll only attract more of that. Unless you live on the corner of nowhere and BFE, like I do, than you just hang out by yourself wishing you were somewhere else or someone else. I can say, that putting it all out there in this forum has led me to understand some things that I probably wouldn't have had I not. I'm surprised by how many other people are going through these same things, these disappointments, these life style changes, these same losses. It's sickly comforting to know I'm not the only one, but it really sucks that so many people are feeling the way I am. I will say this now, I do not want to be the flag waiver for the cause, the poster boy for this pain.

Phone call, please hold...

So the train was really empty this morning so not having headphones wasn't a total blow to my senses. No chatter boxes to annoy me and I think in the 10 months I've been commuting into the city every day, this is the first time I've walked through downtown listening to the city. Lots of sounds as I walked through construction at 2nd Ave and Seneca, forced into a single walking path surrounded my multiple smokers. Why is it that smokers look so sad in the morning? Except for this one girl I pass every morning at the bottom of the stairs heading down to the water on Alaskan Way, she's always smiling as she texts away, oblivious to the world around her, reminds me of my old roommate Chanda, always smiling. I'm going to smile more this week, even if I have to fake it.

Stay Blessed-

Father Time

"It's easy to retreat than to face yourself and let things fall in place. There's no words to describe the way I feel today but I still feel ok" I think that sums up my Thursday Morning, here's to moving beyond OK!

Once again, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about things. Trust was a topic of conversation from the previous day and I realized that I trust too much, trust too often and trust too easy. But that's me, right? I'm not about to go changing that part of me. I'd rather believe everyone than face them thinking they're lying or using me for something. I have succumbed to the fact, as my dad used to tell me, "people will let you down" even when they don't want to or mean to. It's going to happen. For me, it's how you handle the let down, the disappointment. I want to forgive and forget as often as possible and if only I could do the same for myself, we'd (me, myself and I) be in business and I'd be sleeping more. I'm not sleeping anymore

So to trust is a heavy topic and one I hadn't truly considered in some time, it's something I just do. Now I know I've said it many times that I don't just go trusting anyone, which is true, I don't just trust everyone. In fact, I think a lot of people aren't too genuine at the surface and it takes some time to crack that shell, which I guess is part of the trust building process. Even I have admitted publicly here that I have plenty of masks and walls that I build up to keep that building from happening. The problem, if you can call it a problem, is once I open the door and let someone in, I think about when the ball is going to drop. When are they going to disappoint me or let me down. That's not trust, that's fear, and that fear has held me back from living the life and building the relationships that really mean something. Again, don't get me wrong, I have some amazing relationships with some of the most amazing people, friends that I call family. They get to see 100% of me, uncensored, no edits, no holds barred. They wouldn't have me any other way, well, at least most of the time. Those are the people I trust unconditionally and respect without boundaries. Getting me to put my guard down outside of that "circle of trust" (i.e. DeNiro) is not so easy, despite the fact that I don't necessarily mind getting punched in the face from time to time. But in all seriousness, it's not so easy and I am not too quick on the draw to just let anyone in.

How do I change that or better yet, should I even think about changing that part of me? Am I missing out on adding to my circle or sparing myself from the let down of disappointment? and in turn, missing out from getting closer to awesome people or reconnecting with old ones? I guess you have to weigh it out and I have never been one to not take a risk, even when you know it's gonna hurt like hell when you land. That's how I'm built, I'm just really tired of being let down and jaded by all of it and maybe my expectations are too high. Wouldn't be the first time I've had to admit that I expect a lot because I put out a lot. No, not in that context you're running through your head at the moment, go ahead, have yourself a laugh and then come back to this, I can wait... you done yet... ok seriously...

Anyway, that's probably enough from me now that I've turned the topic upside down. I want to trust me than ever this year, open up to a point that there's no question about my devotion to this life I'm living and have a shot at dealing with the blows and keep moving forward, regardless where that road leads. And I hope you will too, as one of my favorite songwriters, the late Shannon Hoon wrote, "When you feel your life ain't worth living you've got to stand up and take a look around you then a look way up to the sky. And when your deepest thoughts are broken, keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die."

"words and music, my only tools"

Stay blessed-

**Post Script**
I do realize I contradict myself all over this post, just goes to show you how my brain is functioning these days. There's pieces I want and others I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want...

Cover Me

The iPod is full of new stuff this morning. New in the sense that I haven't listened to some of this stuff in years, and some I barely know. The Fray is on right now, but another band is heavy in my chest this morning. Kaiser Mansfield is a band from the early 90's that I'm sure still plays to this day. If you're a big fan of blues gospel/southern rock, they are worth the listen. As you well know, I've spent a lot (maybe too much) time thinking about life and love and those that have come and gone too early in my life. I struggle with death and life and letting go of things that are beyond my control and comprehension. I've said for a long time that I am not afraid of dying, it's going to happen someday, it's inevitable. At this age, I'm not ready, there's too much living still to be done, and there's another life that is counting on me living it with him. There's no truer moment than hearing that laugh or that cry in the dark during the early hours of the morning. He needs me almost as much as I need him.

Back to Kaiser Mansfield, the song below is one of those that from the first time I heard it back in high school to today, has the same defining impact on me. I am not the man I know I can be everyday and I am not the witness I know I should be. My faith has never defined me, but driven me to make impactful choices and show compassion in a world lacking both. And when I'm at my deepest darkest moment, my knees and my heart know where the conversation starts. I really am a long long way from my home, but until I get there, I'm going to live it because of grace and sacrifice for me.

Long Way from My Home
Tonight I am missin' you
Oh, tonight I am missin' you
In the light of day
I had lost my way
An' tonight I am missing you
Never thought I would come this far
I never thought I would come this far
I have come through such pain
in the strenth of your Name
Never thought I would come this far
I am a long. long way from my home
I am a long, long way from my home
I've been a pilgrim on this earth
since the day of my birth
I'm a long way from my home
Tonight I'm sittin' on this porch in the rain
Tonight I'm sittin' on this porch in the rain
But Hallelujah by and by
I will meet you in the sky
I'm still a long, long way from home

Stay Blessed all-

The To Do: list

Well here we are, starting the work week again. It's been a nice few days to get things in line; hang out with my little man, hang with friends, take in some sun, pose for some pics, drink for the sake of drinking and watch the silly fireworks explode for hours all around me. I had a lot of time, as well to think, which can be a double edged sword. Solitary time scares me, alone with my head and my heart in my hands, with nothing but me. Casually that sounds like a great time, a space to be productive and enjoy this life. Reality is, it can be a nightmare. I swear sometimes I think I have some stoner A.D.D. where my brain goes 10,000 miles a minute and I have all these lists made of things to get to, and then I stall. Remain in the same place knowing I should be doing something on a "list". The examples range from simple everyday stuff like emptying the garbage or the dishwasher and rotating laundry to hitting the gym and picking up the phone to touch base with someone. My 'on demand' button was getting the best workout between the two of us.

The weekend came and went faster than I wanted it to, it always seems to work that way when you don't need it to. Spent the day at a small lake in the middle of nowhere, with a name like "Floating Feather" or something like that. Small lakes are always warmer early in the summer and this one was, on the money exactly what I needed. A whole lot of empty cans, some soothing herbs and a BBQ rounded out the day at the lake and a few of us headed back to the booming metropolis of Monroe to watch the fireworks. I'm stoked there's so many stupid people in the world willing to have their homes foreclosed on so that they can blow shit up for everyone's amusement. Personally, if it was my money going up in smoke like that, I'd force people to pay to watch, or make them close their eyes. Gotta pay to play, right? So there we sat, in lawn chairs, in the middle of the road of a cul-de-sac and stared at the sky. Any time a car came through, it was a replay of the street hockey scene from 'Wayne's World', "CAR", "Game On!" It was amusing to say the least, and made me feel 10 years old again. Doesn't everyone want to look at the sky with the same amazement of those years? I can only imagine what went through the head of Jackson as he watched in wonderment with his mom 100 miles away. Is there anything left in the universe that can make me feel that way again, amazed? I'll add that to my list of 'things to amaze me'. Any suggestions, don't hesitate to fire them my way.

That's the abbreviated version today, it was much more in depth and emotional and real than all of this. I'm guarded today and not wanting to keep up with the truth that lives in me through these words. Pain is supposed to be temporary so I know at some point this will be different, today it's not. It just isn't no matter how hard I work at changing that. That's on the list temporarily titled, 'Shit that has to Change'. Thanks to those of you who saw me through this last few days, once again you're my lifeline and rocks.

Stay Blessed

Bleeding for a Dream

I added the 'Truth Failed' Demo EP to my iPod this morning, haven't listened to it in a long time. I'm still convinced that we could have been an awesome band, one that played great music and had lyrics and content that spoke to what was going on internally in me. Of course, inner turmoil within the band ultimately was what hosed us. None the less, hearing it again feels like a missed opportunity to do something that meant something more than getting up everyday and coasting through the day to day, being. Over the last 6 weeks or so, I've probably started writing at least 12 or 15 new songs and I've been looking for the right people to do this with. My office is full of muscians and although I do everything to keep business and personal seperate, there might end up being some blurring of the lines if the right situation shows itself. I just know there's more to life than simply getting through it and right now I'm just a sideline participant with no voice other than this blog and a few status updates.

Fell asleep on the couch last night about 8:30 and finally hit my own bed solo about 11:30, plus a bean. Got some much needed sleep after a strenuous gutar lesson earlier in the evening. Finally feel like my picking is coming along. Not playing any solo shows anytime soon but if that is the path, so be it.

NonP hit the iTunes store yesterday and I am so stoked for them. There's nothing cooler than seeing your friends faces on a single and getting to hear them and even better, know that anyone in the world connecting to the iTunes store can see and hear them as well. If you're reading this and haven't gone and checked them out after 1 of my 100's of posts about them, please go check them out (www.myspace.com/nonp). Good stuff coming out of Orange County via the PacNW!

So it's Wednesday and I get to be blessed with Jackson the next 2 nights! It's a totaly different world for me when he's not present and although the opprtunity to do stuff for me when he's not there is an option, everyday gets harder. I don't want to turn this post into another display of my depression or sadness or loneliness, but that is what it is, alone. I'm still learning how to deal with my current state and thinking about the road ahead and not knowing what's coming or worse, what's not. I'd be a fool to not spend some time thinking about that though, and preparing for where either road can lead to. Is cautious optimism setting myself up for failure? That's the question I asked the face in the mirror this morning, no answer.

Stay blessed

Take This

Well it was a weekend, wish I could say everything went to plan. It was tough, tough on me, tough on Jackson, and honestly, just tough. I guess you don't understand tough until your child responds to nearly every question with a "no" and especially when 'No' is not an answer you're used to hearing or even accept as an answer. In my day to day business life, that's not acceptable to a completely acceptable question or solution and such, I am not to accepting of hearing or being told 'no'. So when you're own child starts answering "no" to every suggestion and ask you make of him, it gets beyond frustrating. I have to take a few deep breaths at times before I respond. I hate this temper that I've spent years keeping in check and learning how to think before responding. It gets tougher when you're on less than optimal sleep due to the previous evenings sleeplessness of your child. The last 2 nights were much tougher than normal, and the more tired he becomes as the hours pass, the more "fun" he transitions to. It was into the 9 o'clock hour the past two nights, 2 hours later than normal, although I've noticed that bed time is slipping into the 7:45-8:00 pm hours as he gets older. Unfortunately, that's not keeping him from waking up at 6:30 every morning. Oh the fun of toddlers, this is just the beginning of his independent years. He'll be 22 months this coming Saturday, where has the time run off to?

Saturday, Jackson arrived at my place around noon after a morning with mom and the Little Gym. We did some lunch and took a nap. From there, we headed out to my old stomping grounds at the lake house on Lake Sammamish for some fun in the sun with the boys for part two of Brent's Bachelor party. His new life jacket was waiting his arrival and he fell in love. Mainly due to the rad hot rod on the front and back of it, but I think in part because it's a real big kid jacket. He's loving stuff that big kids get to wear. We hung at the lake with the guys for a little while, watched boats and seaplanes and "big kids" jumping and being thrown into the lake. It was good to say hi, slap some hands and chat for a bit with the guys. It's pretty obvious that I'm a dad first these days, such a weird shift for me when I'm with this group of guys who have always known me to be the first one chugging a beer, first one in the water and the first one talking shit. That's always been me, I wonder what they see? Did some exploring at Ross through the toddler section and the toys, of course, didn't find much but the new DC kicks I found little man are pretty sweet. God only knows why I think white shoes for a rough and tumble little guy are going to stay white. That's probably why he hasn't worn them yet, right?

Saturday night (Sunday morning) found Jackson at my bedside crying about 2 am with Tigger in one hand, a binky in his mouth, and his green blankie in the other. Wet diaper in tow, got him changed and into my bed where sleeping 4 (Jackson, Bean, Tigger and me) is becoming a trend I don't mind although restful sleep is out the window. So, I slept until 6:30 am when it was apparently time to play! I think I had finally made it to bed about 1:00 am, such a dumb ass for thinking he might sleep in once on a Sunday morning. Apparently in everything I'm losing, my brain is going too. And with this move, my coffee machine hasn't made the trek yet so it's 6:30 in the morning, I've had maybe 2 hours of real sleep, and there's no "go juice" to accompany Barney and Friends...Don't read more into this than is really here, I love my son and all his intricacies, I'd never change a thing about him in my life. There's just a few slight modifications that I would make to his sleeping patterns and reasoning.

Sunday was off to shot gun start and with trying to maintain consciousness in my sleep deprived state was becoming more difficult, we grabbed Bean and headed out to get some coffee and hit the park. Slide after slide, chain ladders and false ship wheels, this kid has no limits to fear. He's go go go right off the bat and the purity in the laughter of a child is the sweetest sound on a Sunday morning. An hour and a half at the park and some minor boo boo's is enough to induce a coma for most kids, except mine. He's ready for any adventure and that includes watching his dad try to make Mac N Cheese without all the proper tools. My kitchen is still lacking some needed utensils and oh did I ever take for granted the real purpose of a collinder and measuring cups. Have you ever tried to empty a pot of boiling water from noodles with a square plate? I can say I have now as I emptied the water from the pot like skimming off the fat from cooking hamburger in a frying pan, except square plates don't really hold back as much of the noodles as one would hope. It was an exercise in futility and eventually I won. Only to realize that 1/4 cup of milk was going to be eyeballed. There's nothing wrong with runny mac n cheese, right?

Nap time lasted an hour instead of 2 or more and Jack and I headed to the pool. He's been in swim lessons now for the past week and his kicking and comfort with the pool has improved two fold. He's really starting to get the kicking part down and seems to enjoy it, at least for 5 min. Jackson is really good at letting you know when he's had enough and swimming in the pool is no exception. In an instant he can go from laughing his head off in one breath to screaming it off in the next. The crying is something I'm still getting used to, many times it can be turned back into laughter pretty easily but when he has an audience comprised of relaxing sunbathers, there's no turning point. It's on and so there we are, leaving. Headed back to the confines of the apartment where Barney and Friends are an "on-demand" button away and his binky and trucks are at his fingertips. Comfort for my little guy.

So now it's Monday and I dropped him off at daycare, crying as I got into my truck to head to work. I won't see him for the next 2 days and it eats me up. I'd gladly give up my personal time and rest to never have a day without my little boy. I know he's safe and bringing joy and laughter to his mommy and getting to share his same "no's" and independence with her. It's just not any easier being without both of them. As I write this morning, these lyrics are pounding my heart to the point that it may flee my chest at any moment as the tears are building up behind the dam I've been building to get me through the daily operations of business. I don't know how to keep taking this everyday


I can't believe
How far I've come
Now watch me stumble
And come undone
If you take away
These memories
Then all that's left
Is just me

'Cause I don't want this
And I don't need this
And I don't feel this
It seems that even though she's with me
I can't shake this
And I can't fake this
And I won't take this
Anymore

So you choose
To break my heart
Should have seen this
From the start
I'm haunted by
Your apathy
All that's left
Is killing me

'Cause I don't want this
And I don't need this
And I don't feel this
It seems that even though she's with me
I can't shake this
And I can't fake this
And I won't take this
Anymore

Do you believe
That the way you choose to be
I've always had to see
The brighter side of this so I don't lose my faith
Now the sun has gone away
It's getting colder every day
So before I freeze to death
There's something I should say

I don't want this
And I don't need this
And I don't feel this
It seems that even though she's with me
I can't shake this
And I can't fake this
And I won't take this
Though you say you understand
You still won't face this
Can't erase this
I won't embrace this
Anymore

Stay blessed

Mmmmk, it's Friday

So no one needs to be reminded of the end of the work week, but I do. It means I have the next two days to be productive; have some fun, catch up with friends, get some stuff done at the place, and most important, hang out with my little man. It's also 2 days to reflect on things, a weekend of introspection, which if you haven't participated in for yourself lately, you probably should. It's well spent time.

I find a as many ways as possible to accomplish this. Most times, I write it out, whether it's here or in a written journal, I try and get it all out in words and make sense of it later. If you only knew the number of times I write something here and have to go back and clean up all of the nonsense crazy talk. I figure anything this public should have some creative limitation, otherwise you guys would be sending the men in white coats to find me for some further evaluation! No thanks. I like to think I'm a fairy well adjusted individual who is passionate about improving his situation and focused on dealing with the skeletons in the closet.

I had a very lengthy, very personal conversation last night with the most unexpected person, out of the blue. Unplanned and unexpected is always prefered for me. This life is so crazy and semi-predictable at times, that the unexpected is always a welcome change, at least in this instance. The conversation was heavy and left me feeling so thankful for having the friends in my life that I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with. As well, as honest as my friends are, it's beyond belief to me, that people see things you don't realize they are seeing and have real true feelings about. The perceptions we discussed were pretty spot on and some I hadn't consiously considered. Talk about awesome...to you I say thank you for calling me and thank you for checking in, I guess I didn't fully realize your awesomeness, you're rad.

Let's see, Mother Love Bone, Slightly Stoopid and Flogging Molly on the iPod this morning. Fairly random playlist of sorts, all with the same message, "Live Life". It's a short amount of time we get and the clock has been ticking. The weekend is consisting of time in the gym, guitar practice (after my lesson last night it's becoming obvious I don't practice enough) and a possible road trip out to Port Townsend to see my cousin and her family. That's just Saturday, and we'll see what Sunday looks like, hopefully the sun stays out and we can hit the pool.Of course, if you want to hang, call me

Enjoy the end of the week, stay blessed

Tuesday Train Ride

If life was easy, would it be worth living? I've been writing a lot of music lately as it seems that the only time I feel like I have something personal to say is when there's some tragedy or devastation in my life. I've been praying more than I think I've prayed in the last 10 years, and often times I ask, "Why can't this be easy? When is it my turn to have something right?" I don't expect that those questions are to be answered in a way I'll ever understand or even what I want to hear. Often times, we tell people what they want to hear versus what they need to hear. I make a valiant attempt in that situation to always be truthful and say it how it is, much to the chagrin of the questioner. But that is what's expected right? Truth

My youth pastor from way back in the day at Boise Friends is now the pastor of a church outside of Houston called Friendswood Friends and thanks to the powerful medium of the internet, I get to have my Sunday Sermon every Tuesday via podcast. Check it out at http://www.friendswoodfriends.com/podcasts.htm or via iTunes. I suggest going back as far as possible and listen to David talk. He's an awesome human being, a great adviser and through everything, an amazing friend. He's an old soul to be sure, traditional in his beliefs but progressive enough to be fair, which is not the norm in most churches today.

The Transplants and Augustana on the iPod this morning, great balance of angst and softness. Yeah, I could use a cuddle, I'm not too proud to admit it.

The other music playing heavy on me today is turning into the soundtrack of my life. Aaron Lewis acoustic is pure and spot on and if you think Staind has turned a corner from the hard rock band that they once were and mellowed out, you need to have a listen to the latest album and beg me to burn you some Aaron solo stuff. I think the only difference between he and I right now, is he smokes an ounce a day, but our hearts and minds are in the same places. Give him a listen and know that emotion you hear while cuddled into your couch is the same place I turn to. There's some comfort in sorrow and well, it's truth. It's where you are, it's where I am.

Stay blessed----

A week

I've had a week in the new place, it's not getting any easier, it doesn't feel like a home. I'm trying though, every day trying to add to it, make it comfortable, or as comfortable as it can become. It's an apartment, and it's apparent that I'm not into social living. Hearing footsteps above my head, doors slamming and floorboard heaters. I can't bitch though, it's a nice little community. It's gated so the riff raft stay out. Had Guinness with me on Sunday night, came into work and got a phone call about 12:30 to tell me that he hadn't stopped barking since 6:00 am and I needed to take care of it. Of course, I rode the train in so it was a $70.00 cab ride back to my truck before I could go get him and take him back to the house. Bean stayed with me last night, and she's at the place today. I didn't repeat the mistake, I drove into work today so we'll see if I get a 12:30 phone call about her. It's nice having at least one of the dogs there when Jackson isn't. Talk about a hand full though when there's a dog to get outside while trying to get breakfast together for Jack and get him ready for the day. Gone, for now, are the days of just opening up the back door and sending the dogs out to potty while going on about the morning. That'll be nice to regain from an efficiency and ease of use perspective. At least when he's not there, it's easy to put on a leash and go for a small walk.

Been listening to Street Sweeper Social Scene and the new Incubus record. Digging on both records right now, especially the acoustic version of "A Certain Shade of Green" from the debut album, great version.

It's quite different when I'm the only heartbeat in that place, it's nice having something there that needs me and wants to be near me. God knows I don't even want to be near me at times, something I need to work out in a session. Life is a weird thing though, the things we do alone versus who we are with others. My grandma once told me "Who we are in the dark, where no one else see's us, is who we really are." Underneath all of that outward persona and the mask we choose to wear, can be a scary face to, um, face. I look in the mirror and ask all sorts of questions, sometimes answered, and sometimes the questions are harder to ask than are hearing the answers that you know inevitably you have to deal with. And of course, I have a really hard time letting go of the hurt, the loss, the grief. I talk about it in this blog all the time, the personal hand grenades that explode my heart and shatter my spirit, only just as a reminder that I am still here. Tougher than I knew, resilient to the point that the mask can come off long enough to let people in close enough to understand. No walls at this point in my life, I've kept them really high for so long that when they tumbled down this time, I don't want to rebuild them. I've worn my heart on my sleeves all these years and it makes no sense to try and hide it now.

The Cats out of the bag...

I've been spending a decent amount of time over the past few weeks trying to find a way to talk about this with those of you that this is for. I've probably crafted 10-15 different emails, picked up the phone and started to dial, only to hang up, and started to say something directly and then stopped myself before uttering anything on this topic. I just couldn't find the right words, and when the words started to come, so did the tears and the emotions and the fear that I've failed. As well, in the middle of all of this, some of you were living in the brightest moments of your lives, getting married, getting engaged and preparing to have babies. I didn't want to play any role in diminishing your moments with mine. So when the words aren't enough to cover it all, keep writing.

This morning, I write this with much anxiety and sadness. Last Friday I moved out of my home and into an apartment nearby my house in order to be close to my son and be available if something were to happen and Jamie needed me. See, the thing is, Jamie and I haven't been working for awhile now, despite my best attempts to "fix" us and what I indirectly knew was wrong with us. Since Jackson came into our world, there's been 1 single focus, him. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, as a parent your child becomes the number 1 priority. The downfall in that is the focus of you as a couple takes a back seat and for us, it fell off the radar. We haven't been the awesome Jamie and Ryan that we once were in a very long time. I can't say that we did everything we could have to be better, there were things we could have done better or at all. We just didn't

I'm a firm believer that God will never give me more than I can handle at one time and right now, he's pushing me harder than ever. Through everything that I've faced in my lifetime, I don't think anything has ever hit me this hard or hurt this much, but I know this is what needs to happen. Time apart for some introspection and some me time.

So, as you read this, I ask for one thing, and that is your prayers and your love and support that has been ever present in our lives as friends and my family away from family. I need that more than ever, as does she. She's such an awesome woman and I am still deeply tangled up in her, that won't ever change. Whether we change the things about us that have fallen apart is left to us to work through and only time can tell us where our roads lead. For now, we have separate places and are doing our best to be awesome parents and people, separate but together. If your first inclination is to pick up the phone and reach out today, please hold back until later tonight. Jackson and I have plans and of course I'll be working my little arse off today. Hopefully I'll see a lot of you this weekend and we can hug like never before.

I love you all and thank you for being my friends and accepting me as I am, even with my faults and quirks. You're the people that have kept me going for all the years.
Ryan

GFY

I was shot out of a cannon this morning, well maybe not straight out of bed, but as soon as I got out of the shower... It's a Wednesday, just like any other Wednesday, or any other normal work day. Nothing crazy on my calendar, no out of town guests, no insane weather pattern or comets flying too close to the earth's rotation. A Wednesday like any other and yet, I'm on fire. Walking with a purpose through downtown and the whole time thinking "GFY" to nearly every person who crossed my path between the train station and my office. Even in my office, all I can think to just about everyone is "GFY, for reals...", even people I like and especially those I can't stand. I haven't taken my headphones off since I've been in my building and I couldn't wait to hit my facebook profile and update my status to say "Ryan says Happy GFY Day".

Now really, do you have to ask? Seriously, you don't know? If I really do have to explain than I think it's important that you spend a lot more time considering the author and the mood expressed within this little rant. EVERYONE has been annoying this morning (with the exception of my beautiful family), up to and including the people at daycare, the coffee stand ditz, the asshole in the POS Toyota Corolla that drove 30 in a 40 on a 2 lane road between daycare and the train station, the lady who gets off at the same place every morning that I do that seriously tapped my shoulder to tell me she was getting off (I just looked at her with the GFY face and turned my back to her), the 4 women smokers outside of Starbucks on 2nd and Seneca who insist on spreading out their fat asses and clogging up the entire sidewalk with disgusting smoke and even more insulting, the look of entitlement that is smeared across their caked-on post-menopausal make-up faces... The only real sense of joy this morning came when I got to 1st and Seneca and witnessed a taxi and a relatively similar POS Toyota Corolla stuck in the intersection with a city bus bearing down on them, horns ablaze. I think all the assholes that can't wait for the next green light deserve a good ear lashing from a city bus when they leave the ass end of their POS car out in the intersection, and the city busses don't give two shits, they will let you know it, and I love that!

So again, I ask, do I really need to explain the acronym? If the answer is yes, consider this my response, GFY, Seriously... Happy Wednesday

A Monday, dull shade of sad

There's an inherent darkness that follows my mood on Monday's. I've never quite been able to get my hands on it, I think my shrink would say that I set myself up for it and she may be right. There's something calming about laying on my own grenade, at least I know what the results will be rather than rolling the dice and allowing some other source determine my mood. She would also tell me that we, as people, have the ultimate control over how we feel. "No one else can determine your happiness or sadness" she's been known to utter. To this, I roll my eyes, as I know that I should pick how I feel like a tie from the closet, but the thing is, the tie should match the shirt, the belt, socks, you get the picture. If your heart hurts when you open the closet door, no matter what you want to pick out, the only color available is a dull shade of sad. So really, what choice is there? That's my Monday's, choice less-sad and amazed.

So the next question I ask myself is always, "why are you sad" and Damn it all, if I only knew. There's a lot of things to be sad about that haunt me everyday but rarely do they take over, except on Monday's. I let them, to remind me of what I'm missing and not to ever take it for granted that amazing people come and go. Hold on to the amazing as if your life depends on them. There's days where I know that mine did, they saved me enough times, and I couldn't do the same. Maybe that's the point, you can't save them all, might not ever be able to save any of them. Is that guilt or remorse or simply just missing the part of them that filled a part of my life that simply cannot go on without them in it and that's the part that screams on the street every Monday morning as I walk out of the bus tunnel and into the dark and windy cold of the city. I've had years to deal with these lost ones and everyday is the same feelings. Makes one wonder, will anyone feel this same dull shade of sad when I'm gone? I'm not looking for that answer, but God I hope that no one else close to me ever goes through the consistency in which the sadness crashes and learning how to navigate the overwhelming chasm of missing loves is an unreachable goal. You just learn how to keep going on and keeping the ghosts at bay 6 days a week, which is about the best I can hope for.

Smile like you mean it

I cried, I can admit that. I got teary in the moment, knowing that the ceiling had been broken. That we as a people had ascended above color and race, finally. It wasn't uncontrollable crying like Jesse Jackson, it was a few tears of joy and relief and knowing that this campaign and it's daily struggle was finally over and resulted in the best possible outcome for our country.

Today however, I am extremely saddened and disappointed. I'm friends with many different thinkers, a wide array of opinions and experiences, various lifestyles and geographies. I'm a tolerant guy who can usually agree to disagree if I can't be persuaded, which I'll admit, rarely happens, but it's not out of the realm of possibilities. Many of my friends are also friends with each other. The last few weeks have been tense between the various thought processes; left, right and in between, and passion has not been in short supply. I've had phone calls and emails and IM conversations that felt like food poisoning leaving me with a stomach ache and a broken heart. If there's anything I want to be remembered for in that last moment, is that I was a true friend; who loved and supported through the good, the bad and indifferent. And despite our differing opinions, ideals and political ideology, at the end of the day I was your friend and you were mine. I'm watching some of these crumble before my eyes. In the day and age of instant commentary despite distance and geography, having a say within 2 seconds of the last comment is allowing that same passion to be misdirected and putting friend against friend. It's ugly and it's sad.

I've been a strong INFORMED Democrat and began working on campaigns during the first Clinton run, long before I could vote. I did my research, found my way, on my own. Like all of my friends, I had the opportunity to choose for myself, for my family, and for my country. I'm overjoyed that my opinions and my voice was shared by the majority of this country this time. I've spent the last 2 presidential terms feeling much like my friends who don't share my opinion do now; upset and worried. To them I say this, I don't know what the future will hold. I know the direction and I pray, much like you do, that the direction and the destination deliver this country to a better place than it was on Monday, for you and me, and our children. There is no glory or honor in tearing one another down over this election, over someone's opinions.

Take care of each other